I think these things are good: Belly laughing, dead Russian authors, pub crawls where you don't stop until you either find fifth Beatle George Best or die (sadly this is no longer possible since the inspirational hero/wife beating drunk died), Sarth Efrican accents, made up words like Confusement and fdpgkhjf, the R & B singer called Kleshay, the subtle innuendo in the name of Palm Springs "massage" parlour in Romford, that one of the Dagenham postcodes is RM8 (Aaaaaaah mate), the things that would happen if Stephen Hawking caught dyslexia and then Tourettes, when foreign people call me "my friend!", that John Barnes talks like he's rapping and raps like he's talking, that Dodo is Portuguese for "fool" - that's like chickens being called "idiots", that "Gav" is Russian for "woof" and the idea of Russian dogs walking around going "Gav! Gav! Gav!", that lisp has an S in it, playground insults like div and gom, old black blokes, the George Foreman grill, so good he put his name on it (everything he owns has his name on it and his wife has it tattooed on her forehead), that the guy who owns Max Factor is actually called Max Factor, the words "Gleet" (trust me, look it up) and "Wallop", a good ellipsis...
I think these things are bad: Brushing your teeth and then drinking orange juice, being little and biting soap because it looks like it should taste nice (and we've all done that more than once), the bleep test, that Michael Jackson's blonde haired, blue eyed, white milky bar kids are clearly not his children and nobody says anything about it, people who use the word "random!" to describe anything that's even slightly out of the ordinary, the Burger King advert with the cow that has a Burger King logo on it - that animal can not possibly comprehend how much it's having the piss taken out of it, Denver the last Paedosaur ("He's our friend and a whole lot more"? Nonce), love songs, kids singing, cartoons kissing (for some reason it makes me really uncomfortable and I never know where to look), that my parents won't grow up and move out, soapy pint glasses, The Daily Mail and particularly Richard LittleHitler, self consciously wacky people that stop you in the street and try and get you to give money to sick kids...Birmingham is bad, I lived there once, and Farnborough is even worse, I lived there for a year and it's like Groundhog Day in the Twilight Zone. In case you were wondering, like. The sound technician didn't have any ears. I mean come on...Anybody who's read this far gets a prize. ..This profile was edited with Thomas' myspace editor™ V2.5
