Ghem

I used to be a rebel and a weirdo i suppose....partying and clubbing hard, smoking and drinking til i dropped, bingeing!! hurting people i care and dont care about, beating up my mama`s dog when she tells me off and nags non-stop!(well, i know dat was really bad, but that was the only way i could get my mama off my back!!) poor chips (dat was the dogs name) -am so sorry! may dat dogs` soul rest in peace!amen! ...ehm, watelse? hmmm.....i think this is the worse ive done - drug abuse!....at first, just occasional hit and jamming with friends u can trust and back then it was still a hush-hush thing (dont tell!),but then years went on...i was totally bang-on-it! i dont score lil " i had grams!" but then no one wants to hit n jam wid me anymore waa!(dey got scared of the amount i had and dat i was out of control!) but when i con or force them to jam with me, i feel like they were trippin aftawards and i got para at the end! so i gave up on dat, instead i went out of my way to jam with people i didnt know - met a lot of bitchess n suckers!(even jammed wid my enemies!!so let them trip on me instead - i tot 2 myself) i suppose i knew i could handle that, cos first and foremost, i didnt give a shit about them! secondly, i was well prepared if they wanted trouble (cos really that was i was looking for!) i wanna fight i wanna fight! i was hurting so much inside I wanted to get hurt even more! trouble maker me thats me! (shame i know - if I couldnt get any of that though, I locked myself at home (alone) and cut myself instead - but, i couldnt feel anything cos I felt numb and yea I felt nothing) hmm that was my trip at that time - kool! trip on me!! trip on me! and ill trip on u! but only in my head! k? (mental!!) mind games!! but! but! at that time dont admit ur trippin on me (no eye contacts, only indirect "third person" conversation that i can over hear k? cos no good if u tell me ure trippin, that will be the time ill trip hard and ill go mental and break ur jaw!) anywoo, but things changed(thank god!)at the end, got married with three handful but beautiful kids which was a life changing i guess. I feel so lucky that I have overcome all that mental shit cos I really did hit rock bottom! Flat on my face dude!! Voices shouting, screaming and worse of all whispering in my head!(creepy, crazy, stupid!) I was so out of control before that I had no control and direction in my life, ended up going all over the place in which i came across a lot of different weird set ups of mental torture and out of this world experiences (paranoia! thats what they told me and still telling me! - dont believe that, sorry!) but whatever it was that made me stop all those crazy shit, i surrendered cos I couldnt fight it anymore(scary mofos!) they were f*ckin everywhere! secret messages i followed a long way to fight only to face my own demon(which ever way i turned, it haunted me.....) And at the end, I had to stop! I was tired......I couldnt take it anymore....my mind was battered left and right and my body was sucked up dried. I had no more tears left not even a drop of blood when I cut myself to show Im still alive. No more drama as Mary J Blige would sing it when I play the cd. I mostly got into a lot of set up situations where I got into a lot of trouble and heartaches AND head aches!!!Too much drama it had to run out! I even came down to a point where I cannot have normal conversation with anyone anymore and was ignored to a full max! damn it! no drama, no actions, no comics but only silent freaking movie!! silence! only my head was in chaos! then i was branded paranoid! ( sumtimes i still get dat now u know!) like certain situations now gives me flash backs! and they`d still tell me im para!( wtf! i been clean like a freakin virgin for nearly 3 years man! - i think) and im patting my back right now cos I am proud that Ive been clean. then this da killer, when i get into one of those horrid panic attacks!brrrr "cant breathe" need air" resuscitate me"i dont wanna die"moment!(but hey, i think ive faced all mah demons already that if i do get flash backs im able to deal with it now in a more calmer way - OK! *PHEW) well, inspite of all that....you can say ive matured quite a lot although a bit too late (30`ish??!!)yea damn!! lol but yo! Ive learned a lot from those shits!(its like i went to a special school or sumthin)I gratuated woo hoo!! Any regrets? hmmm...lemme think....ehm, i would like to say "no regrets" cos ive changed a lot soo much that if those things didnt happen to me, id probably still be acting the same way. In saying that though, they said that if u dont show remorse or that if u do not regret the things that uve done wrong in the past, then it means you have not acknowledged and embraced the reasons to change, or you may end up doing the same shit again? hmm i dont know....i know i regret some things ive done wrong in my past, but i wouldnt wish to turn back time and change it cos i like the person that i have become now. ( a selfish psycho bitch with a little consideration and respect to any slugs alive haha just kidding!) seriously, im a real softie now, wouldnt hurt a fly really! =) no for real, try me....try punching me now....see what ill do! =) i know i had big issues few years back eg: anger management,violent, addictive personality, depression, PMS,spoiled lil brat! and many many more! but realizing my problems and actually acknowledging that I have a problem really helped me a lot to deal with turning my life around. Not 2mention, my kids play a big part as an inspirational factor for me to stay alive, not only to be a good mother but to set an example to be a good person. So now, if I have to describe myself.....hmmm, I would say Im a recovered new born (adik? - hurts my ear man!)ok, id use the word lost sheep. Wait, dat didnt sound right...its my english its so bad haha ...im only human, and i turned the wrong way and got lost but now im found! party on!! lol well, seriosly, if anything....i turned out OK and where Im at now - I am very happy and very content. =) take me to tesco and im happy jumping up and down already hehehe sad huh? lol hmm I really consider myself lucky for overcoming the trials and hopefully I still have enough energy to face those oncoming bullshit that life will throw on the way in the near future. Im ready! I really think I am fully prepared to go on a straight narrow, anything to keep this peace and simple life for the sake of my love ones and my insanity. =) (INSANE!!) haha ok ok ...for the sake of my sanity! happy now? =) (sorry, i was talkin out loud! my brain was telling me to correct that so yea i had to type dat out sorry sorry) =)next time im gonna write this in tagalog it`ll be a lot easier for me to tell a story lol}