Well, to start off, my name is Alison.
April of 1987 I was born in the Congo to two anthropologists who were tracking a gang of Swiss speaking gorillas. My birth could not have come at a more inconvenient of a time. All of my crying and fussing caught the attention of these oversized mammals, and became aware of my parents tracking. Realizing that a child was probably a bad idea, they decided to leave me in the jungle for Mother Nature to nurture. Luckily for me I wasn’t left there alone for too long. The next day a traveling band of snapping turtle swallowing shamen came wandering through the rivers of this tropical forest in search of more turtles for their show. One of these men gently stalked over to where I was strategically hidden by my parents seeing what he thought was one of the precious turtles. Much to his surprise what he found was not a turtle at all, but a chubby, very upset baby. Puzzled by this discovery, the shamen didn’t know whether to eat me in their show, or raise me as their own. Luckily, yet again, they chose the latter.
I became their child prodigy. We made frequent trips to Europe and the United States participating in Side Shows and Carnivals; although, we spent most of our time searching for these fucking turtles. When I reached the age of 16 I decided that eating meat was no longer for me, therefore the shamen banished me from their tribe and show. They were far more offended by this decision than I was anticipating, instead of letting me go quietly, the forced me into a box that was far too small for my 5’6 frame, nailed me in [poorly I might add], and smuggled me onto a large cargo ship headed west. This is where I ran into Edward.
Now, Edward is not who you think he is. He happens to be my best friend, as well as an aardvark. He has a nasty little habit of whispering government conspiracies in my ear while I am trying to sleep. On the cargo ship I began to feel a bit claustrophobic, considering the size of my confinement, I managed to kick the top off with excessive force and crawled out of the box. Once I was out I noticed I was smuggled onto a ship transporting exotic animals to the states for various zoos. I heard a scuffling from behind me, and some mumbling about Watergate. This was Edward.
With much stealth we both managed to sneak off the ship unnoticed. Not to mention we had cover of darkness on our side. We made our meager living by posing as live statues on various street corners and public parks during the day. At night we would quench our thirst with our good friend PBR and argue over religion, politics, and pop culture. Other nights we would discuss classical art and bad poetry. Edward would often have me sneak books out of the public library for him. He said he would go in himself, but there is a sign on the front door that states 'No Animals'. He likes to call this discrimination. I feel a bit uncomfortable checking out some of the romance novels he requested, but he threatened that he will roll himself into a ball and continue to throw himself at my face. As you can see I had no choice but to do as he requested. Asshole.
Edward and I are now looking forward to living the American dream; attending monster truck rallies, owning a cell phone, and beating up our spouses...
