OK, SO LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT RIGHT OFF. I DON'T TRUST TECHNOLOGY. I'M NOT AT ALL COMFORTABLE WITH THE INTERNET AS A CONCEPT. AND I DON'T GET ALONG ESPECIALLY WELL WITH OTHERS. THAT'S WHY IT STILL ASTONISHES ME, EVEN AS I SIT HERE TYPING THIS SHIT, THAT I'M ACTUALLY JOINING THIS MYSPACE THINGY. I TOOK SUCH PRIDE IN BEING ONE OF THE LAST HOLDOUTS. YOU DO KNOW THAT ONE DAY THEY ARE JUST GOING TO COME IN AND DROP A BIG NET OVER EVERY ONE WHO'S SINGED UP TO THIS, RIGHT? MARK MY WORDS. WE'LL BE THE FIRST ONES WHO'LL GET THE CHIP IMPLANTED IN OUR SKULLS. AND NOW I WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO STAND OUTSIDE POINTING AND SAY "I TOLD YA SO."
THAT SAID, HOW YA'LL DOIN???
I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS NEW-FANGLED CRAP WORKS, SO BEAR WITH ME. I'M GONNA ASSUME THAT IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU EITHER AT LEAST KINDA KNOW ME, OR YOU'RE JUST LOOKIN FOR SEX OR COMMISERATION. I MAY BE WRONG.
BUT IF NOT, FIRST LET ME ADDRESS THOSE OF YOU WHO DO KNOW ME. YOU MUST ALL BE WONDERING WHY I FINALLY BROKE DOWN AND SOLD MY SOUL TO BIG BROTHER. YOU KNOW WHAT? SO AM I, REALLY. SINCE I FLED THE SOCIAL INCEST, PETTY CRIME AND CRIPPLING TAXES OF BEAUTIFUL PHILTH-ADELPHIA, I'M LIVING HERE IN THE DEEP PINEY WOODS OF SOUTH JERSEY WITH NO REAL SOCIAL INTERACTION TO SPEAK OF. UNLESS YOU COUNT THE GUY WHO WORKS WEEKENDS AT AUTOZONE. THE ONE WITH THE BAD TOOTH AND THAT THING ON HIS CHIN THAT LOOKS LIKE A COCO PUFF. (I THINK IT GROWS THERE.) SO ANYWAY, IT OCCURS TO ME, IT WAS EITHER MYSPACE, OR START TAKING IN STRAY CATS AND PRETENDING THEY TALK TO ME. WHICH DOESN'T SOUND SO BAD AT FIRST BLUSH. BUT THEN I'D HAVE TO MAKE THEM LITTLE OUTFITS, AND COOK DINNER FOR THEM EVERY NIGHT... NOT TO MENTION THAT THEY WOULD NOT HESITATE FOR A MINUTE TO EAT MY CORPSE IF I DIED IN MY SLEEP. AND WHO NEEDS GRATITUDE LIKE THAT? NO. EVEN IF AN ACCURSED COMPUTER IS INVOLVED, IT STILL IS BETTER TO KEEP A FEW HUMAN FRIENDS AROUND. THEY MIGHT OCCASIONALLY NEED TO BORROW MY TRUCK TO MOVE, BUT THEY WOULD DEFINITELY NOT RESORT TO CANNIBALISM. (UNLESS TIMES GOT REALLY TOUGH... I DON'T TRUST ANY OF YOU FUCKERS...) BESIDES, THE INTERNET IS A GOOD PLACE TO MEET (ALIENATE ?) NEW FOLKS.
WHICH BRINGS ME BACK TO THE OTHERS OF YOU WHO'VE NEVER MET ME, BUT HAVE CHOSEN TO READ ON THIS FAR INTO MY LUNATIC RANTINGS ALL THE SAME. IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR LOVIN, TOO DAMN BAD. GRAVITY AND CYNICISM AND COMMON SENSE HAVE LONG SINCE DERAILED MY LIBIDO. I'M JUST TOO OLD AND SURLY TO GO ABOUT HOUSEBREAKING YOUR FERAL ASS AT THIS POINT.
AND NOW IF YOU STILL JUST WANNA BE MY FRIEND, YOU BORED MASOCHISTIC FOOL, THAT'S FINE BY ME. AS LONG AS YOU AREN'T SECRETLY A ROBOT, AND YOU HATE ALL THE RIGHT PEOPLE, AND YOUR SHOES ALWAYS MATCH YOUR HANDBAG. HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING. (ABOUT THE MATCHING HANDBAG ANYWAYS...) JUST DON'T CALL ME A "ROCKABILLY" GIRL OR OFFER TO HELP ME WHEN I'M CHECKING THE OIL IN MY CAR.
FURTHER DISSENT AND MORE RIGHTEOUS OUTRAGE TO FOLLOW. STAY TUNED.....
