About Me
I like the American-Canadian border, 'cuz if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cuz first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole."I went to the doctor; all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr.Acula.Dr.Scholl makes foot products, and he's a doctor, so he went to school for a long time, but it doesn't take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion will be more comfortable. That guy wasted lots of time at school. 'Cuz I would've bought that shit from a Mr.Scholl... Maybe even a Se,,or Scholl.
I have a belt on that's holding up my pants, and my pants have belt loops that holding up my belt. I don't know what's really happenin' down there. "Who is the real hero?"I called the hotel operator, she said,"How can I direct your call?" "Well, you could say 'Action.' And I will begin to dial. then when I say goodbye, you an yell 'Cut.' And if you want, you can wear a beret and knickers."Hey, man, if you are a fish, and you wanna be a fish stick, you have to have very good posture. You can't be a slouchy fish, or you will be a fish clump.
I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.Hey, if you sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals; you will run out.Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"Tha^y's 14 Precepts:---------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------"Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. All systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth. ********
Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to receive others' viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout our entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times. *********Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness. ************Do not avoid contact with suffering or close your eyes before suffering. Do not lose awareness of the existence of suffering in the life of the world. find ways to be with those who are suffering by all means, including personal contact and visits, images, sound. By such means, awaken yourself and others to the reality of suffering in the world. ********Do not accumulate wealth while millions are hungry. Do not take as the aim of you life fame, profit, wealth, or sensual pleasure. Live simply and share time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need. *******Do not maintain anger or hatred. As soon as anger and hatred arise, practice the meditation on compassion in order to deeply understand the persons who have caused anger and hatred. Learn to look at other beings with the eyes of compassion. ************Do not lose yourself in dispersion and in your surroundings. Learn to practice breathing in order to regain composure of body and mind, to practice mindfulness, and to develop concentration and understanding. ********Do not utter words that can create discord and cause the community to break. Make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.************Do not say untruthful things for the sake of personal interest of to impress people. Do not utter words that cause diversion and hatred. Do not spread news that you do not know to be certain. Do not criticize or condemn things you are not sure of. Always speak truthfully and constructively. Have the courage to speak out about situations of injustice, even when doing so may threaten your own safety. *********Do not use the Buddhist community for personal gain or profit, or transform your community into a political party. A religious community should, however, take a clear stand against oppression and injustice, and should strive to change the situation without engaging in partisan conflicts. ***********Do not live with a vocation that is harmful to humans and nature. Do not invest in companies that deprive others of their chance to life. Select a vocation which helps realize your ideal compassion. ********Do not kill. Do not let others kill. Find whatever means possible to protect life and to prevent war. *********Possess nothing that should belong to others. Respect the property of others but prevent others from enriching themselves from human suffering or the suffering of other beings. *********Do not mistreat your body. Learn to handle it with respect. Do not look on your body as only and instrument. Preserve vital energies (sexual, breath, spirit) for the realization of the Way. Sexual expression should not happen without love and commitment. In sexual relationships be aware of future suffering that may be caused. To preserve the happiness of others, respect the rights and commitments of others. Be fully aware of the responsibility of bringing new lives into the world. Meditate on the world into which you are bringing new beings. ************Do not believe that I feel that I follow each and every of these precepts perfectly. I know I fail in many ways. None of us can fully fulfill any of these. However, I must work toward a goal. These are my goal. No words can replace practice, only practice can make the words. ************************************************************
*One of the greatest comedians who ever lived died recently, Mitch Hedberg. He thinks the way I do...but not as much cuz I dont do as much drugs as him...but if I did...I would do jokes like him...just not die at age 37....RIP Mitch!....Get your Pope Jokes ready....!!!*************************** When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.*********************************** I hate turtle necks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtle neck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy... all day. And if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.**************** I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible.********************* I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.****************** Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flier it's kinda like they're saying 'here - you throw this away.'
