The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™ profile picture

The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™

I am here for Friends

About Me

A chance encounter betwixt a light socket, an anvil and a toothbrush led to my conception, luckily the toothbrush had previously been in David Bowie's anus-gifting me with his copious nanog genes. Incidentally, Gary Numan had been staring at the light socket whilst eating an electro sandwich full of flying saucers and space raiders-gifting me with electro poncifications and sandwich-wrangling skills. The anvil isn't saying anything and will, no doubt, take his secrets to the grave...


My Interests

Art:making wanky art films, dangerous edged weaponry and painting stuff...and..things. I also like making stupid songs, messing around with my hair-and associated products, photography, comedy, sword fighting, prancing like a tit, cutting the sleeves off of things, shoes (who doesn't have a shoe obsession?), clothes and sandwich. I have an affinity with sunglasses: they understand me, dancing like a twat (the initiated amongst you will know that this is VERY different from prancing like a tit), and people. People are fascinating- I'm lucky enough to know some of the best people in the world and yet the streets of every town seem to be full of slack-jawed morons and raving yahoos. Luck or fate? Go figure. I also believe that we can learn a lot from owls- to whit: to woo (eh ladies?)

I'd like to meet:

Will Self, Hunter.S Thompson, Stephen Fry, Miyamoto Musashi, Tom Waits, Jonny Depp and Byron- considering that three of them are dead, I'm well prepared for disappointment. I temper this with also wanting to meet my friends- even though I've met them before, but if I didn't want to meet them again it'd kinda be a waste of time being friends, wouldn't it? I met David Bowie once at an exhibition I was helping a friend to prepare- I didn't know who was behind me giving me advice, but the screen I was lifting was REALLY heavy, so I told him to fuck off- NOW I AM THE MASTER.

Music:

Too many to name but including: Tom Waits, David Bowie, Robots in Disguise, Iggy and the Stooges, Bauhaus, Adam and the Ants, Siouxie and the Banshees, New Young Pony Club, The Sharons(Oi!), Miss Nicuragua, The Knife, The Personnel, Dali's Car, Aphex Twin, Art Brut, Arnold Schoenberg (dischord a go-go!), The White Strpes, Peaches, Gary Numan, Blondie, Duran Duran, Ladytron, Parliament, Ivor Cutler, Goldfrapp, Le Tigre, The Faint, Wonk Unit, Ladytron, Marilyn Manson, Pixies, The Smiths, Schubert, The Ramones, Simian, The Lilt Man, Siouxie and the Banshees, White Rose Movement, 80's Matchbox B-Line disaster, Japan, The Cure, Dogshit Eye-Blindness Disease, Protocol, Hot Chip, Kate Bush, Nick Cave, P J Harvey, 2 Many DJs, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Thomas the Tank Engine(the Felix Da Housecat mix) etc..etc... But in all fairness, the sweetest sound in the world would be the sound of Robbie Williams, The Pussycat Dulls, Girls Aloud and all those of their ilk, in a skip- on fire.

Movies:

Blade Runner, Cyrano de Bergerac, The Hudsucker Proxy, George Romero's 'Dead' series, Ghost in the Shell, Nightwatch, Natural Born Killers, Crybaby, Pi, Downtown '81, Pandora's Box, Belle DuJour, The Hunger, Happiness, Storytelling, Before sunset/ Before sunrise, Fear and Loathing, Footloose etc. etc. etc... I seem to be able to watch any number of shitty low-budget films- there always seems to be something, no matter how infinitessimal, in them that makes them worth watching...maybe I'm just a masochist. I hate the general Hollywood romcom-There's nothing wrong with romance, or sentimentality-and if it's handled well I'll cry like a weeping motherbitch. The trouble is that people are growing up on this boiling crap and it becomes an ingrained expectation that life's going to be like that and everything will turn out fine in the end. It won't: we all die alone, upside-down in a pub toilet, so deal with it-yer lily-livered, caramel kidneyed land-lubber! YARR!

Television:

Family Guy, The Mighty Boosh, Snuff Box, Brass Eye, Jam, The Day Today, Lee and Herring, Garth Merenghi's Darkplace, Vic and Bob, The IT crowd, Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe, Green Wing, Peep Show, Black Books, Futurama, Nighty-Night, old spider-man(it's rubbish!), the Stone Tape, The Tomorrow People, Felicity Smams, Monkey- that's about it-realistically, I've got most of it on DVD so I don't have to actually watch TV. Which is good because you can take 'reality' tv shows (a contradiction if ever I heard one) and too cool for school, slick american dramas with laconic voiceovers and SHOVE THEM UP YOUR FUCKING ARSE.

Books:

Will Self, Hunter S Thompson, The Argos Catalog, Milan Kundera, Thompson Local, William S Burroughs, Agrippa, Poppy Z Brite, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Miyamoto Musashi, P.G. Wodehouse, Edward Gorey, George Orwell, Kurt Vonnegut, Jean Paul Sartre , Stephen Fry and Dr. Seuss are among my favourites- though if you have any suggestions-let me know. I crave the wood-pulpy goodness of the written word- it helps with my insomnia.

Heroes:

As bowie said "we could be heroes, just for one day"-of course he was already a hero by then and as for the rest of us, well...he was just off his tits at the time. His heart was in the right place though...and he's a bromley boy after all. However, if he'd been riding on battle-cat from he-man at the time, I would've fallen down and declared him our saviour. Aside from that: Mr.Tumnus-In a boob-tube, on a choirmaster's lap. Baah!

My Blog

Food and cinema

An area I feel I may have overlooked somewhat in my perambulation of comestibles is the grande dame of sparkly dreams, or the modern-day opium den that we know as cinema. Tilting my fedora at a wry an...
Posted by The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™ on Sun, 17 Jun 2007 08:13:00 PST

The sandwich I made today that was amazingly delicious

As 'It' (the tiny weatherman that lives in my basement) was threatening rain today, I decided to spend my time cleaning out my mental attic. Aside from accidentally erasing one or two aquaintances and...
Posted by The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™ on Wed, 13 Jun 2007 11:06:00 PST

Attack of the subs-or:send in the subs, they're already heeeeere.

After my recent experience with the Hag of the dribble at the bromley south Subway (apologies to ms. dribble, it should of course have been hag 'o' the dribble- so apologies again for that), I thought...
Posted by The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™ on Tue, 12 Jun 2007 02:44:00 PST

Meanderings of a gastro-gnome

I was parambulating bromley's fine high street the other day, It was a fine day to be in such an auspicious hub of consumerism mixed with a piquant hint of gross provincial ignorance and the hoi-poloi...
Posted by The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™ on Mon, 11 Jun 2007 08:29:00 PST

Sandwich-the next generation

Yesterday I had a meatball sandwich from subway, on honey and oat bread with lettuce, tomato, onion(red, there was no option for white), green pepper, olives, jalapenos, carrot and black pepper. I ask...
Posted by The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™ on Wed, 06 Jun 2007 11:22:00 PST

Sandwich

Today I had a roast beef and mustard sandwich, The beef was good and the mustard plentiful. Red onions were good, but alas- the brown bread was damp and had the texture of an old man's face, reeking o...
Posted by The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™ on Tue, 06 Mar 2007 07:43:00 PST

MY FANTASY LEISURE PIRATE CREW!

In my very favourite fantasy pirate crew:Captain: Yours Truly.First Mate: Hunter S Thompson- to scare the shit out o' the scurvy dogs!Second Mate: Stephen Fry-to be 'mr nice' to Hunter's 'mr nasty'Boa...
Posted by The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™ on Sat, 29 Apr 2006 03:10:00 PST

Rocks vs. Conkers- which is funnier?

Well, after some deliberation I turned this thorny subject over to you, my public. See, personally I think the brevity of the word 'rocks' is inherantly funny- though, coming from the country that gav...
Posted by The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™ on Fri, 13 Oct 2006 07:49:00 PST

Spaff's Own Wine!

Whilst cruising the skies aboard 'the saucy jake' the other day, Oi happened upon a hitherto unknown island in the middle of the lake where st.mary's cray used to be. Arising like the very grand preci...
Posted by The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™ on Mon, 25 Sep 2006 02:27:00 PST

Goode ship skip sank-Goode Zepellin Saucy Jake takes flight

Following the sinking of the Goode Ship Skip by an unscrupulous ntl repair man, I've been un-netted like a margate slapper at closing time. Not to worry though eh? Hopefully I should soon be back onli...
Posted by The Bromley Leisure Pirate ™ on Sun, 30 Jul 2006 01:57:00 PST