Once upon a time in the land of Fuck, a creature of unexplainable origin rose from Poopie Pond Lake. His name was the Crack Habit Rabbit and he had nice hair. Anyway, the Crack Habit Rabbit began tearing Fuck apart; tagging up the great statue of Bugs the Barber, sodomizing the mayor's daughter with various fruits and vegetables, farting in the great Bunny Church, you know fun shit. The residents of Fuck where powerless to stop the great C.H.R. so they sent for the great magician Hooptiefunksterstein. He came, the two fought, and Hooptiefunksterstein came out on top and banished the Crack Habit Rabbit to a shithole planet, in a shithole solar system in a shithole galaxy,EARTH! (DUM DUM DUUUUMMM!) In a ball of fire and smelly poo like gases, the Crack Habit Rabbit fell to Earth, landing in the middle of a Ku Klux Klan rally. "Dur durka dur doo!" The rednecks screamed as their flesh melted from their backs and their balls exploded from the force of the impact. "I don't know anything about this planet, but I know I don't like you." The Crack Habit Rabbit said to the mass of wailing Klansmen as he pulled out his Ultra super cool hick killin sawed off shotgun with the thingy that makes it go boom! For the next two hours those Klansmen that hadn't been killed in the inital impact, died from a gunshot wound to the asshole. "What the hell happened?" A handsome young man with a heart of gold and pants full of manly, female pleasing genitalia, came upon the scene. "I was gonna kill those fucking red neck peices of shit."
"Well tough. Should've done it sooner." CHR snorted.
"Well fuck you dude. I'm $yco $ikko $tabbo N8 the $exy money makin playa from the west side, and I don't take kindly to that sorta disrespect on my home turf G. So you must die." The two fought for what seemed like decades, but it was really only twenty minutes before they both collapsed and needed a smoke.
"I've never fought someone as strong as you." CHR said.
"Well, fuck you. I just want to take a crap." N8 took a drag from his cigarette.
"Well, eat my ass. We should start a band."
"I already got a band."
"This band will be cooler."
"Okay."
So the two got up and started roaming the countryside for people to join their band. They came upon a clearing, filled with cows grazing on lush green grass. "OOOOH!! Lookit the moomoos!" CHR squealed with borderline gayness.
"HEY! Asshole, I'm not a cow." One particularly strange cow spoke.
"Holy shit, I guess you're not a cow if you can talk." N8 walked up to the cow. "Hey you smell nice for a cow."
"I'm not a cow. I'm a drummer dammit. and that squirrel says you're looking for people to join your band."
"But how can a cow drum?"
"I'm not a cow, an evil bitch turned me into a cow becuase I couldn't find her a tampon that fit right."
"ew. How can we turn you back?" N8 asked.
"I can turn him back into a human." CHR raised his hands screamed something in latin and POOF! the cow turned into a man of sorts.
"Damn. Cool. My name's Pauly and I'm the seventh best percusionist in the universe."
"Cool, I'm the Crack Habit Rabbit and this is N8. Let's go find some more bandmates."
The trio resumed their search and came upon a house in the middle of nowhere. Inside the threesome could hear a strange grunting and groaning.
"What's goin on in there?" Pauly pondered.
"Hm...probably something we can take pictures of and put on the internet for lots of money." N8 stated.
"MONEY! Yay bitches lets go see what's happening." CHR broke down the door, camera in hand *he's a magical creature, the camera appeared magicaly you fuck* "Show me your money shot!" CHR was shocked to find a lone figure standing in the corner with pants around its ankles, molesting a three foot tall monkey.
"What the fuck!?" The figure dropped the monkey, pulled up his pants and grabbed a gun sitting on the table. "You god damn tweekers aren't stealing my hot peice of ass!"
"We don't want your fuck monkey!" N8 screamed at the gangly figure, then noticed a bass behind him. "Do you play bass?"
"Yeah. I learned from the hot lesbian bass player Miss Analscraper."
"Well shit!" Pauly picked up the monkey. "You should join our band!"
"YEAH BITCH! JOIN OUR FUCKING BAND OR I'LL STAB YOU IN THE CHEST!" CHR pulled out a knife and moved closer to the bass player.
"OKAY! Shit. My name is Dan. Basement Dan."
The rest of the party introduced themselves. "Why do they call you Basement Dan?" N8 asked.
"Um...it envolves my mother and some neighborhood kids that went missing a few years ago...I don't really want to get into specifics."
"You disgusting bastard. Okay let's go."
So three became four, and Pauly broke the monkey's neck before they left.
About two hours later the group came across a pair of guitarists arguing on the road.
"It's a G Cookie!" A blonde dwarf with a wily beard was screaming at a chunky person. "Dammit Cookie!"
"Hey, fuck you man." The chunky man said to the angry little dwarf. "This is gonna be epic."
"Die!" The dwarf jumped the chunky man and they started fighting.
"HEY!" N8 yelled at the two who imediatly stopped. "Wanna join a band."
"Okay. My name is Kyle and this is cookie." The two got up and exchanged greetings with everyone.
"I should make you taller." CHR said to Kyle then muttered some latin and POOF! Kyle was taller.
"Now I look like a real person!" The group cheered and started practicing.
Animals fled the forest, children cried in their beds, husbands blew their brains out in front of their wives, wives and daughters masturbated for hours in the blood their dead husbands and fathers, the countryside was ripe with carnage and carniality. Everyone was either fucking or fighting. THe chaos spread, and everyone soon learned the name of it burns! the greatest fucking band in the universe.
I know this doesn't make much sense but, I don't care becuase the actual bio is boring, and this isn't. So fuck your mom.
p.s. Check out Born in a Bodybag since it burns! is dead now. =P
