you can comment here if you're so inclined.
Massive appreciation to the following:
AIDS: I have a very strange obsession with AIDS. And that's all you really need to know. Oh, that and it makes for wonderful dinner conversation. Seriously.
Abortion Clinics: I figure abortion clinics are a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck? Exactly.
Alcohol: "I never was cool with James Dean, but I be hangin' tough with my man Jim - Beam." Only alcohol can make you appreciate Kid Rock lyrics.
Blondes: Are my one true weakness. Damn you blond girls and my insatiable lust for you.
Cleanliness: I have this huge problem with being dirty. Which is ironic because I absolutely hate washing my hair.
Conversations about nothing: Especially if they involve discussing dolphins and the length of their "cum shots". Fourteen feet - can you believe that? Or how ostrich has less fat, but you eat more of it. Or how awesome having shoehorn hands would be. Or how all certified mail is registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
French Manicures: Nothing does it more for me than french tips. Goddamn. Nice hands are such a turn on.
Grammar: Actually, the above was a lie. There is nothing more attractive than good grammar. Nothing. Not even tan, blond girls, with brown eyes, french manicures and neck tattoos.
Hair Metal: And speaking of tan, blond girls, with brown eyes, french manicures and neck tattoos. More of them need to fancy this stuff. Seriously. Fancying ridiculously bad eighties hair metal is the fastest way to my heart. If we can share laughs about how Vince Neil killed Razzle or how fat Jani Lane has gotten, I might just love you forever.
: Yes, I like Hello Kitty. Fuck you if you don't. All real badasses have to rep' the sanrio.
Hooters: Wings + Alcohol + Girls = Heaven. If only there were pool tables. Fuck, then I'd probably never leave.
Kelly Ripa: For being married, thirty-something, and having too many kids, Kelly Ripa is fucking hot. And everyone seems to disagree, but seriously, fuck them, she's hot. And I'm convinced she'll never not be hot. Watch.
Meat: Pigs are food, not friends. For every animal you don't eat, I'm eating ten.
Seinfeld: Sometimes I feel like my life is like one big, long, running, Seinfeld episode. All that's missing is the funny bass lines, and the studio audience. If you noticed all the Seinfeld references littered throughout this profile, let's get married. Seriously.
Southern Accents: I've decided that I love southern accents. There's nothing quite like the way southern girls say "y'all" and "darlin'" and "suga'". Or "y'all darlin's want sum sugaaa'?". Fucking hot, dude.
Star Wars: If I had to choose between Star Wars and girls, I'd pick the galaxy far, far, away in a heartbeat. Princess Leia is the only woman I need. Goddamn, I love Star Wars. You really have no idea.
Strip Clubs: I love how people always tell me, "you know, those girls only want your money." as if one, I was born yesterday and two, I really care. Fuck all you naysayers, I love stripping, I love strippers, and I love strip clubs. Girls, Girls, Girls, what can I say? Artificial love is better than no love.
Texas: Paul Wall has a song called "They Don't Know" which pretty much explains why Texas is the greatest place ever. But if you need one solid reason: Dr. Pepper was conceived here. Fuckin' a. Texas motherfucker that's where I stay.
Velvet: I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.
Specially huge amounts of hatred and cess ridden filth to the poor downtroden victims that follow:
Bro mosh douchebags who think guys wearing tight pants and makeup are gay: "Just because I'm wearing lipstick doesn't mean I can't kick your fucking ass." Nikki Sixx said that once. No truer words have ever been spoken. Not "Ask not what your country can do for you...". Not "That's one small step for man...". Not even "Luke, I am your father...". Seriously. Nikki Sixx You.
California: Fuck you, California.
Cinnamon: Cinnamon literally has the power to end my life. Therefore, I avoid that shit like the plague.
Cops: Until I, personally, have benefited from the help of a police officer, I have to say that I hate the fuck out of cops. Seriously. Instead of giving me tickets for bullshit like "not making a complete stop at a stop sign" or "changing lanes without using a turn signal", how about you try something like, I don't know, say, FIGHT FUCKING CRIME?! How about that? Call me crazy but somehow I think that's a tad bit more important.
Fat girls: Looks aren't everything, but fuck, dude, there's a limit. I should at least be able to wear your clothes. AT LEAST.
Fun size candy: THERE'S NOTHING FUN ABOUT LESS CANDY!
Girls who can't get over their ex-boyfriends: They're called EXES for a goddamn reason, dude. I'm so sick of trying to explain that to these dumb bitches. Nobody seems to understand. Ugh.
JELLYFISH: They almost stole my life once. NEVER WILL I EVER GIVE THEM THE SATISFACTION OF TRYING TO STEAL IT AGAIN. (See Swimming).
Lousy drivers who don't bother giving me a thank you wave after I let them in my lane, or let them pass, or do some other good driving deed: Goddamn, that pisses me off. In fact, I hate that probably more than anything else. I like to think that's the reason why Hitler hated jews so much. They were probably shitty drivers with no manners. If that's the case, genocide was a mere slap on the wrist.
Onions: Always sneaking into my food, you motherfuckers. And it wouldn't be so bad if you were always in like ring format, like at Wendy's, but it's places like McDonalds and Whataburger that chop you up into little tiny unscoopoutable pieces that really fuel my hatred for you. Ugh. Fuck you, onions.
Ovaltine: The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it ROUNDtine. Assholes.
Pepsi: Pepsi is the fucking Milhouse of sodas. Everything Coke does, Pespi has to do too. The diets, caffeine-frees, vanillas, lemons, limes, and so on. Everything Pepsi has tried to do on their own failed miserably. Anybody remember Crystal Pepsi? So yeah, fuck you, Pepsi. Coca-Cola forever. And while I'm at it, fuck Mr. Pibb, too. You know, the replica of Dr. Pepper. But its a bullshit replica because dude didn't even get his fucking degree.
Private profiles: Because putting a PRIVATE profile on a PUBLIC website makes a plethora of sense. Yeah, totally.
Sluts: I fucking hate sluts. If you've slept with more guys than you have fingers, don't fucking speak to me. Unless of course you're a slut who comes bearing gifts. Then we'll see what happens.
Swimming: Thanks to fucking jelly fish, I now have a have a terrible fear of anything water/pool/swimming related. If you can get me within a mile of a body of water, congratulations, I'll probably be proposing to you soon. Act surprised.
