I am Tony Clifton, The one and only "International Singing Sensation"
I am the ONLY man who has sold more records than Elvis AND The Beatles combined.
Lately, I have been performing internationally. Basically, Third World countries that don’t know any better. I advertise them as evangelical healings. It fills the place. I’m talking about 18,000-seat soccer stadiums. By the time they realize no one’s getting cured, I’m across the border doing it all over again. Don’t get me wrong. I put on one hell of a show. Those people walk out feeling much better than they did walking in. So they still got a clubfoot. At least now it’s keeping time.
Then, of course, three or four years ago I starred in Man on the Moon. My co-star being that comedy guy, Drew Carey. You know, the Pet Detective guy. I launched a campaign to change the name of the film from Man on the Moon to Tony on the Moon. I made my case at one of Universal’s bigtime press junkets and created havoc. Drew Carey ran for his life, and I was escorted off the premises, which is why I’m now banned from the Four Seasons Hotel. I’m also not allowed in the Beverly Hills Hotel, because I poured a glass of water over Talia Shire’s head when she wouldn’t re-create the end of Rocky with me. What a loser! Here she was, sitting in a room filled with high-powered movie producers, and I ask her to show some of her acting skills! Maybe she would have been spotted and gotten a job out of it, not have to keep depending on her brother for work.
Contrary to what many people think I wasn’t beaten that much by my parents. Two or three times a day at most. I don’t blame my folks, because I was a bed-crapper. Like a bed-wetter, but worse. So they burned me now and then with a cigarette, but I hold no grudge. I’m a big believer in “Spare the rod, spoil the child.†Or, in my case, “Spare the Lucky Strikes.â€
Mariah Carey has an eight-octave range, which is considered phenomenal. I have a nine. And, when I’m feeling up to it, I hit an occasional 10. And the octave meter is what we use to warn the audience. Believe me, you don’t want to be sipping your Jack Daniel’s when I’m hitting the 10th octave — there’s a good chance the glass will shatter. We warn people to remove any eyewear.
So how ya doin? You havin' a good time?
Time. Climb. Lime. Dime. Them's some words that rhyme with time.
And speaking of time. You're gonna have a good time seeing my new movie, "Tony Clifton : Chamber of Horrors"!!
Don't aks me about no Andy Kaufman. I don't know nothing about Kaufman, except he's a dead guy tryin' to ride my coattails. He was ALWAYS trying to use my good name to get places!! Look where it got him now! This is the Tony Clifton Show, not the Andy Kaufman Show. If people want to see Andy, I suggest they buy themselves a flashlight and a shovel.
I'm the freaking 8th Wonder of the World!!
I'M OUTTA HERE!!
THIS IS A GODDAMN WASTE OF MY GOOD TIME! WHERE'S MY JACK? WHERE'S MY CHICKIES??
HEY! WADDA YOU LOOKIN' AT?
HUH?
