The weekly tabloids; eating; TAXIDERMY, and hanging out at the shop paying my dues there as I start at the bottom and learn the trade; hanging out alone; decoupage; surprise hook-ups out of nowhere; 70's Sears & Roebuck style; UNO; collecting unique friends and interesting stories; girls who let me go further than kissing; camping; tinkering on my '67 Yamaha Trailmaster, thinking I know what I'm doing; Jesus, Elvis and UFO's; people watching; big hair and Aquanet; breast implants; tight clothes; peep shows; thriftin'; sewing; Zombies!!!; platform shoes; carnivals and corndogs; midgets (they're so neat!); Police 911; being naked; chopping up my own hair; swap meets, yard sales, second-hand stores, antique malls; karaoke (I am so bad I should be embarrassed); miniature golf; Burlesque and tassles; analingus (giving and receiving); guys with big sideburns oh-my-gawd it makes me so hot...; having fun at my own expense; pencil-thin mustaches; cooking; big hips and tiny waists; masturbating; listening to records and watching bad movies; knives, boots and mini skirts; sexy, hefty cheesecake models from the 50's/60's; BBQ'n; traveling (domestic and international); lesbian prison sex; oral sex; pretending I'm the star of my own movie; remote viewing (I totally believe that crap); and of course helping O.J. find the real killer.
Oh-my-effing crotch..this guy. I know he's dead, but...I mean, really... Is there anything hotter than a junkie-thin rockstar?? I think not. Well, maybe an anorexic punk rocker. And where's Bruce McCulloch? I want him to walk around my apartment and say 'its a pill..that gives worms..to ex girlfriends' like, every five minutes. I would wet my pants all day long. Almost anyone who wants to play a game of Zombies!!!. A bunch of dead guys- Serge Gainsbourg, Keith Moon, Stiv Bators. Iggy Pop and Keith Richards, before they LOOKED dead. My twin. Dolly Parton, pre-90's. Ric Ocasek, in the 80's. Jeff Goldblum, tonight. (This is starting to sound like a 'Who I'd Like To Do' list.) 'Floyd', the roomate. Matt Stone. (Is he not TOTALLY EFFEN HOTT? I want him to show up at my place as 'Dave'.) Lewis Skolnick. Agent Cooper. Someone to teach me to throw knives. This 'figure it out yourself' crap is for the birds. Friends who are comfortable enough to go through my fridge without asking first. Someone smitten with me. Someone to make out with on my lambskin rug while we're listening to 80's lite rock, like Sergio Mendes or Air Supply. Someone genuine. Someone who can't wait for the next time they see me. Someone who's actions speak louder than words. Someone who feels the same way about me that Billy Joel must have felt about the person who inspired him to write 'Just the Way You Are.' Yeah, someone like that. Someone who wants to be with me, for me, not just because they don't want to or can't be alone. (I stole that from 'Golden Girls'.) Someone who doesn't go out on the weekends expecting to get laid. Like thats what Friday's all about, ya know?? Someone to take me places. Someone who doesn't mind having to hear my terrible, flat voice singing on road trips. Someone who doesn't make a mess with the toothpaste tube. Someone who doesn't leave crumbs in the butter. That really grosses me out. Someone to like me for who I am, and appreciate me for MY qualities and not wish I posessed someone elses. If Edith Massey wasn't dead, I'd ask her to be my best friend. But really. I want to meet you if we have similar lowbrow interests, or you are interesting enough to hold my attention for a few minutes. My ADD only allows 30 seconds to get interested or I move on to something else. Don't ask to add me to your friends list for your popularity contest. Honestly, who needs, or can keep up with 847 friends? How's that for being a c-word?
The original soundtrack from 'Enter the Dragon' is the newest house LP. It hasn't left the turntable since it's arrival. Serge Gainsbourg, ABBA, Descendents/ALL, Bowie, Oingo Boingo, Motley Crue (pre-Dr Feelgood), DEVO, 1960's go-go and spaced out lounge sounds, LA Guns, Sugarcubes/Bjork. TOTO, because I can't rock 'Hold the Line' enough on the jukebox... The Cars, black Michael Jackson, Rolling Stones, Pat Benatar, Sex66, Maiden, Iggy/Stooges, Pixies, Kinks. Metallica (pre-black album). DIO, NY Dolls, Judas Priest, The Last, Lionel Ritchie, T-Rex, AC/DC, Dead Boys. If Sebastian Bach isn't on vocals, it isn't Skid Row. Go-Go's, Duran Duran, Depeche and all of that 80's new wave and Mtv hits we know by heart. GNR's 'Appetite'. They shoulda stopped there. I still love 80's/early 90's big hair and eyeliner bands. Bread, Neil Diamond, Hall and Oates (and no, I am not the slightest bit embarrassed), Carpenters, Carrie Nations/Kelly Affair, Deep Purple. Any and all bad 70's and 80's top 40 and lite rock hits (Anne Murray, Eddie Rabbit, Glen Campbell, Ronnie Milsap) that I own on vinyl... Jeezus, just about anything I can sing along with- this list could go on and on and on.Glenn Danzigs voice just makes my kitty PURR. And no Zeppelin, please, unless its Zeppelin IV, side one, and we are gonna be makin' out. (Thanks for the tip, Damone.)
BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (and any other Russ Meyer flicks); Star 80; Female Trouble; Desperate Living; Polyester; Mask (with Rocky Dennis, NOT Cameron Diaz!); Barbarella; Boogie Nights; Basketcase, Frankenhooker and most Frank Henenlotter stuff; Repo Man; Taxi Driver; True Romance; Earth Girls Are Easy; Bladerunner; The Jerk (duh!); They Came From Within; Revenge of the Nerds; Fast Times; Invasion of the Bee Girls; Breast Men; Blue Velvet; Barfly; Wild at Heart; Orgazmo; Evil Dead 1&2; Robocop; Texas Chainsaw 2 ('sure took care of my hems'); Pulp Fiction and of course, Reservoir Dogs; Like Normal People; quotable 80's comedy movies (oh, there's plenty...); Incredible Mr. Limpit; original Planet of the Apes movies; Short Circuit 2; Dreamscape; Anna to the Infinite Power; Double Agent 73 (and any other bad sexploitation flick with big, naked tits); Can't Buy Me Love; Night Patrol; Taboo Iⅈ chicks in prison flicks; Milo and Otis; gory Tom Savini-esque bloody movies; anything with hacking off limbs and fake blood; 70's/80's horror; early Troma crap and lots of other 'movies' that most my friends cant get past the first 15 minutes of.
Star Trek (TOS), Twin Peaks, Simpsons, Diff'rent Strokes, Hunter, Quantum Leap, Golden Girls, Vega$, Penn and Teller: BULLSHIT!, Mama's Family, anything on E!. Documentary crap, forensic crime shows ('real' stuff, not Hollywood), History, Discovery channel... I don't have cable so I'm stuck watching FOX. Now there's some quality programing. Television. The cheapest, most effective lobotomy.
Kathryn Dunn, 'Geek Love'; John Waters, 'Shock Value'; David Icke, 'Biggest Secret' and 'The Truth Shall Set You Free'; any true crime (preferably with gory pics and details); any scandalous celebrity BS; juicy, unauthorized biographies, as well as autobiographies; Alternative 3; 'non fiction' books written about how Jesus was really from outer space, or the space station on the dark side of the moon, or anything on UFO abductions and human hybridization, or Nikola Tesla's far out discoveries, or anything on brainwashing and the MK-Ultra program, or esoteric Freemason/New World Order stuff, secret societies, world control, reptilian shapeshifters, microchipping, and anything else that might red flag me as a loon and have the government keep an eye (or that laser on the moon) on me. Real? I dont know. Possible, but far fetched? Totally. It always makes for good reading. And on a last note, none of this would be possible without the one book I can't do without: the dictionary.
"We are anything but common."Ronnie 'Z-man' Barzell; ED209 and Johnny 5 ('I think robots are sexy'); Snake Plissken; Bruce Campbell. Murray Langston. Clarice Starling. She's sassy, mouthy, and she ate human brains. My kinda broad. Laura Dern, for doin' it with both Jeff Goldblum and Billy Bob Thorton (when he was hot). Some girls get all the luck.