David profile picture

David

nothing but one big fiesta for illegal aliens and homosexuals

About Me

I'm packed with iron and I'm now available in soft chews for those of you with sensitive stomachs!I have broken down five doors. Two were out of anger.I'm only half sasquatch on my father's side, but I'm three-quarters on my mother's, thus making me 1 and 1/4 sasquatch.I own one outfit made entirely of McRib.The Navy once planted a flag into my back and commissioned me as the U.S.S. Rock-a-Saurus Sex.Whenever I sneeze, any nearby metallic objects are instantly magnetized.I can see sarcasm. It looks kind of like pudding.I once had a number one pop hit called "Do The Bump" but lost it when I changed apartments.

My Interests

fast cars, weird music, sportbikes, computer science, guitar, humor based on cruelty, cooking, spicy food, tequila, the color maroon

Music:

the decemberists, guster, the postal service, the shins, pink floyd, calexico, neutral milk hotel, hendrix, clapton, bowie, buffet, modest mouse, metallica, death cab for cutie, tenacious D, johnny cash, they might be giants, american analog set, the protomen, underworld, and william fucking shatner

Movies:

no romantic comedies

Television:

stephen colbert, jon stewart, house, 24, alton brown, scrubs, entourage, deadwood, veronica mars

Books:

hhgttg, wheel of time, dune, ender's game, george r.r. martin, asimov, sagan, king, feynman, anything by brian greene or steven hawking. fantasy, scifi, history, books on chess and C++ and guitars and the universe, dave barry and calvin & hobbes

My Blog

what if God was your socks

he is with you always, warming your feet and absorbing sweatand when you walk, there is only one set of footprints because he is carrying you (by holding you one sock-thickness off the ground)
Posted by David on Thu, 22 Mar 2007 02:18:00 PST

I now drink Coke Zorro

i open them by cutting a Z into the can with my sword
Posted by David on Thu, 22 Mar 2007 02:16:00 PST

Question concerning how female Kool-Aid men give birth

Assuming that the baby kool-aid man bursts out of its mother screaming "AW YEAH" how does the mother kool-aid man keep from fracturing in a thousand pieces and spilling her contents all over the midwi...
Posted by David on Thu, 15 Mar 2007 08:31:00 PST

reminder that there is a new show about vampires on the lifetime channel

http://www.lifetimetv.com/shows/bloodties/index.php after devoting their programming to woman getting beaten seeing women getting bitten seems like a huge step forward in the feminist movement...
Posted by David on Sun, 11 Mar 2007 08:39:00 PST

Miles O'Cock would be a great name for an irish porn star

top of my penis to you
Posted by David on Sat, 10 Mar 2007 09:52:00 PST

everything i know about sex i learned from the hokey pokey

you put your right hand in you pull your right hand out you put your right hand in and you shake it all about
Posted by David on Fri, 09 Mar 2007 09:46:00 PST

I'm starting an Iliad-themed whorehouse called Men'll Lay Us

check back here later for a joke here about trojans failing 5% of the time
Posted by David on Wed, 07 Feb 2007 06:22:00 PST

i upgraded to windows vista yesterday

here's my review: looks cool, got so much security that you basically can't do anything
Posted by David on Mon, 05 Feb 2007 05:02:00 PST

i just invented a new extreme sport called Hot Dog vs. Jello

you drop a bunch of hot dogs in a pool along with a bunch of Jello powder and you have to swim around and eat all the hot dogs before the jello solidifies, trapping you inside it
Posted by David on Sat, 03 Feb 2007 11:39:00 PST

Batman should get an answering machine for the Bat Signal

like if trouble is afoot and the city of Gotham shines the Bat signal and Batman isn't around he should have a machine in the bat cave that shines "I'M NOT HOME RIGHT NOW PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE" right...
Posted by David on Mon, 29 Jan 2007 01:52:00 PST