Cruelty and violence. Especially against helpless people. Yesterday I took my brother's wheelbarrow and put sand in the grease around the axle. Now every time he pushes it, he is wearing out the axle and he doesn't know it. Spiteful or what? Hah! And why? Cos I'm a right mean sonofafish!I once threw a clothes peg at a child and made him cry - man, I'm a wowzer! Two weeks ago I came across a lady who was lost and i gave her the totally wrong directions. Instead of going to the gas station, I sent her to the library. Ha! An' befo' that I was round my neighbour' house and when he wasn't lookin', I took his cheese-grater and I blunted all them little holes, so now he can't grate cheese over his salad, he has to use big chunks instead. No wonder Ah'm on the tv news.
Anyone really nasty. Bullies especially. Thugs too. People who come right out of a comic book also. I recently met a guy who could bash his own end with a hammer - that was reeeeeeal impressive. Turned all purple - flat but swollen at the same time, if you can imagine that.I would like to meet that chick who does the tv weather. I hear she has a nice magazine rack. I'd like to hide some sandpaper in it so it scratches all her interior design magazines.A neighbour of mine can crush a cat with his eyeball too! Tha's cool. And my Aunt Haggis can open a can of beans with her eyes shut. That ain't easy, man.What I really need is a gooooodplastic surgeon .I picked up this little scar down my byoootiful face (won't tell you how, though honestly I'm not ashamed) and I need to get even more pretty for Mr. Han's chicks to go for me. I'm not saying I'm a virgin, but I did hold a lady's hand once (does that count?).
I enjoyed the sound of screaming last week. This dude had borrowed an old Jonhhy Mathis LP off me - a 12 inch record if you can remember them. Anyway he scratched it, wouldya believe it!?!? Weeeeell, I ain't havin' that, man, you know. So I took off to his house while he was at work - he's an geologer or something, you know, one o' them dudes that directs the traffic when it gets busy. Anyway, I sneaks into his gaff and paints all the light bulbs black. So then I sits round the back and when he comes home he switches on the lights and lo and behold - the room gets totally dark, just like that. He thinks there's an eclipse! Calls up some witchdoctor dude to lift this curse and ends up costin' him about 50 bucks and a whole heap o' worry. Stays up all night sleepless and treads on the cat next morning as a bonus. Yeaaaaah! What a laugh.I also like anything where you can hear the sound of breaking bones. I like to play Boxcar Willie while I break chicken bones - they're pretty inflexible, you know. I also like yodelling records. I had some yodelling lessons (private, like, so no-one thinks I'm a wimp, see) from this Swiss dude. He wears those leather shorts, which i thought was a bit dodgy but I gave him the benefit. Then I caught him behind the fridge with this big trumpet thing, about twenty feet long, making these honking noises. He said it was some religious thing in Switzerlandland where the cuckoo clock is their national emblem or something. Then I found out that all their Swiss cheese, in Switzerlandland, right, has holes in it. The yodelling dude said it was so they could put bread in the holes when they make their sandwiches. Bread inside the cheese? Well as he was about four feet tall, cos all the Swiss are real short, see, cos of the extra gravity living up a mountain, I thought I'd stick the nut on him. But I thought better of it when I saw he had a fish in this round tank thing. I figured it was a piranha fish, cos they can stand all the high altitude in the rainforest, about two and a half inches long and a very bright orangey gold colour, all going around in circles, so I hung off. Then when he wasn't looking I rubbed my end on his curtains cos it hadn't been washed for week or so. That'll teach him, huh.
Anything with blood and violence, especially against those who can't defend themselves. "A day in the Life of Hong Kong's Chief Postmaster" has no violence as such, but there are lots o' shots of them real pretty postboxes. I use the same colour scheme in my lounge you know.Top movie ="Beating Up the Wimpy Daffodil-selling Old Lady Outside 35th St Tube Station".
Gangsters are always a good laugh. And anything with dreadful 70's hip lingo, man. I picked up a dvd at my local jumble sale and it gave me some real inspiration. It was called "Snow White and the 7 Dwarves". There's this real bad-guy bitch witch and these tough little shits called The Dwarves. Man, they ain't so tough - I'd take any two any time.Fave tv show ="Midget Bashing, Presented by Jimmy Wizmulla" .
I bin readin' some o' this here philosophy shit, man. This Jean-Paul Sartre, he sounds like some French fag but he got some real goooood ideas. Existentialism, man, that's where it's at. An' I got this new book on how to match the colour scheme in your hall with that in the kitchen. 400 pages but some lovely pics of flowers and stuff.
Mr. Han. Also Stanley Manley from Hanley.