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MY TRUE IDENTITY IS CHUCK NORRISChuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Originally, Jawbreakers were in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game Uno.
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his motives.
They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.Jeeves asks Chuck Norris.
When driving in his SUV, Chuck Norris always swerves out of the way if a squirrel is in the road. Not because he finds their antics amusing, but because it gives him a chance to run over pedestrians.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.
Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the crap out of them.
Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris realized that if you change the "d" in "wand" to a "g", the Harry Potter books become a whole lot more interesting.
As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.
If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take crap from anyone.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the heck off.
Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".
Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Objects in Chuck Norris's rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.
Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.
Chuck Norris once killed 5 people in less than a second. The only thing he said after this incident was, "Darn it, when Chuck Norris doesn't want Girl Scout cookies, Chuck Norris doesn't want Girl Scout cookies."
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life. Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.
Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing go-fish.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.
