Pontiff No Return

You want to know about me, about my life? Well, I don't know how interesting a tale it is, but here goes....Day 1: We're in a hospital delivery room, thirty-five hours of labor have passed and I am still holding out strong. Another hour passes. I say fuck it, put out my cigarette, and decide that this womb has really become more of a tomb (yay, fun with words!). To be quite honest, I was starting to feel a bit cramped by that point anyway, as if I had outgrown my vaginal homeland. When I emerge into the staggeringly brilliant, albeit slightly smelly, light, I was immediately beset upon by katana-wielding ninja nurses and their doctor overlord. There's thirty seconds of my life I'll never get back. It may have been the first assassination attempt against me, but Mecha-Jesus knows it wasn't to be the last by any means. Feeling a bit put out, I descend into a peaceful repose, which was the first of seven times I have ever slept in my life. It was pretty nice.DAY 2: I master seven languages in as many hours. Seven hours later, having been distracted with solving the mystery of Old Man Henderson's Haunted Sink Drain, I manage to forget all of the languages I had just learned.DAY 3: I remember how to speak the languages again, but promptly lose them in a poker bet that night.DAY 4: It is discovered that I am the last dragon, and in fact possess the glow. This is pretty awesome, and something I could never, ever forget.DAY 5: I read the morning paper whilst reclining atop the massive pile of the corpses of my enemies, namely barbarians, pirates, robots, Mormons, and other mythical creatures (or so they want you to believe...)DAY 6: Jesus stops by and hits me up for money once again, God I wish the son of God would get a job. And not a Job, as I recall, he already had one of those, even though he didn't treat it very well... PS: Hey Jesus, still waiting on that seven bucks there bro.DAY 7: I become 85% sure that I should have remained a pre-gestate spirit in the Hall of Guf, as it becomes increasingly obviously that people are far too stupid for their own good. Begin to wonder who was behind this whole human concept, and just how well this plan was thought out.