The Talent - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I'm 10 feet tall and can bench press Vermont. I am co-owner of a successful International House of Pancakes franchise that doesn't exist and can remember when time began. I constantly need to know when it is 11:30 and no longer require a vest for being German. My past is checkered and involves a 4 year gap where I was an explorer on a mission to space that ended up in a garage in the Central District and required three long shoreman to complete the task. Sentences aren't my "thing" and if there was any other way of computing than with a keyboard I would do it in a second. I suggested we use a rope and pulley system powered with our minds but I was laughed out of the meeting by the other geese and pigeons that had assembled by the bench. I won the Nobel Prize for leisure and always need to be assured that things are "alright". I once argued with a Spaniard for 11 hours about the origin of the marshmallow before realizing it WAS a marshmallow and probably knew better than I did where it came from. I am made of magic.

My Interests

"I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who cares if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists. It still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in The Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."

I'd like to meet:

The Claw.

Music:

Fran and the Fran Frans, Johnny and the Haircuts, Billowy Coat King of Pain, Car Phone Jones and the Salamander Spelling Experience, Mushroom Sally and France.

Movies:

Any drug induced animal food fight involving two protagonists of certain moral fiber that requires them to conduct themselves in a particular demeanor that will typecast them for years to come.

Television:

Monster trucks pro-wrestling. No, not monster trucks wrestling each other you big stupid. I like to watch monster trucks AND pro-wrestling. Well, not monster trucks, but pro-wrestling is boss. In fact, when was the last time you actually saw monster trucks televised. You idiot. That was a trick question. Oh wait... I didn't use a question mark. I guess the jokes on me!! What about lobster truck rallies? OH ME!

Books:

Flatbread for Dummies, Cooking With Gas, The Big Book of Definitions: An American Tale, Where's The Beef: The Clara Peller Story.

Heroes:

Mr T and The Funky Bunch (not Marky Mark. He crazy)

My Blog

Costa Rican Pizza Party: ending day 1, beginning day 2 and on to day 3 (with preface)

(preface)There's very little on this planet that can get me out of a hammock (quote me). Few things can stand up to a piece of cloth, able to support my weight, strung on some sort of hook or though a...
Posted by The Talent on Sun, 15 Apr 2007 12:54:00 PST

Costa Rican Pizza Party Day 1

NOTE: I am writing this under extreme duress. Please excuse any spelling, grammatical or EXTREME punctuation errors. I will welcome your comments and suggestions upon my return and will edit it as I s...
Posted by The Talent on Fri, 13 Apr 2007 07:32:00 PST

New years Cage Match

Well it's that time of year again. The time of year where I either stare out the window or do something weird. Staring out the window serves its purpose, but ever since they started leaving the Wingdo...
Posted by The Talent on Mon, 01 Jan 2007 02:49:00 PST

The one about the end of the movie.

I want to be included in the end scene in a movie or a book. Preferably a movie. The scene would be as follows:A song like When in Rome's "The Promise" or "Forever Young" by Alphaville or "Cum On Feel...
Posted by The Talent on Thu, 07 Dec 2006 04:21:00 PST

The first thing I ever wrote: The Story Of Thunder: An Apology

I wrote this in the ninth grade whilst living in Jackson Hole, WY. I'm not proud of this. It was ill conceived and juvenile. But I was in the 9th grade living in Wyoming. I was bored. Really bored. Se...
Posted by The Talent on Sat, 14 Oct 2006 02:02:00 PST

Bar Food Wilderness (or how i learned to love time travel)

I wrote Sussudio. Me (Gabe Morgan). Phil Collins had nothing to do with it (besides releasing and singing it). Well... what happened was, I wrote the song, got drunk, went back in time and lost the ri...
Posted by The Talent on Thu, 14 Sep 2006 11:50:00 PST

THE F'ING WATER COOLER IS F'ING BROKEN

So I show up to work my standard 20 minutes late due to me not being able to find my hair dryer and then remembering I don't OWN a hairdryer, sit down after stealing a few pens/ paper clips from the A...
Posted by The Talent on Wed, 23 Aug 2006 10:34:00 PST

The chronicals and follies of that which exists to vend

I am posting this in a more permanent blog "solution" for documentation purposes:Most of you already know this if you've spent more than 3 minutes with me in the last month, but I've been having MAJOR...
Posted by The Talent on Fri, 05 May 2006 11:10:00 PST

My quest for the truth

So apparently this weird berry "acai" has more antioxidants than pomegranate juice. Why do I care? Because now I can drink as much alcohol as I want and never, EVER die. I didn't believe that this ber...
Posted by The Talent on Fri, 21 Apr 2006 11:44:00 PST

A horrible glimpse into the future

My ex-wife (wonderful girl by the way... I'm a real asshole) found out the hard way that I wasn't ready for homeownership... at least not in that medium. The nuclear family was something that I wasn't...
Posted by The Talent on Fri, 24 Feb 2006 11:47:00 PST