You Dont Know Me

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I love life. Life is a beautiful thing that most people take for granted. I care about everyone. I hurt when I know others are hurting. I want to help solve and fix things I know I cant change. I wish I could feed the hungry, clothe the clotheless, mother the motherless, love the loveless, heal the hurting, listen to the crying, warm the cold, teach love to the cold-hearted, shelter the homeless, help the helpless, save the dying, soothe the suffering, end the violence, befriend the friendless- Save or change the world -even if only one person at a time.
I was born April 10 1984 in Dade County Florida to my mother Brenda & My Dad Donny. I was named after my moms middle name & my dads first name. We moved here (hendersonville, nc) when I was I was a baby & ive spent mainly my whole life here. My mom was born & raised here & she moved us here when she got tired of Miami. I spent my childhood taking Ballet & Piano Lessons, Youth Basketball, Cheerleeding, Summer Camps, Rock Climbing, White Water Rafting, Swimming & Hiking. Just some of my favorite pastimes.
I was raised in Christian Faith (Nazarene/Baptist)in churches & Christian Schools most of my childhood. When I hit my teens, I ran from God hard- really hard. My family life as a child was extremely complicated, and I was very hurt by it all.
My dad left me & my little sister when I was about 9 years old & I havent seen or heard from "daddy" since. I miss him so much- I wonder if he misses me? I wonder if he misses being my daddy? I wonder if he misses his grandkids he has never met? I wonder if he misses my 2 weddings he never went to? If he misses walking me down the isles? Does he miss my birthdays like I miss him being there? I miss him through all those things that you go through in life- that your family (you daddy) should be a part of. I just hope he knows how much he is missing & how much he is missed. I hope whatever he is doing is making him happy & that one day he comes home. I hope God blesses him & keeps him safe & in good health. I hope he has someone there with him who loves him as much as I do & who is taking care of him as much as Id love to. I love you Daddy.
Despite the best efforts of my mom to try to help me through my painful childhood, I was hurting & unreachable. My mom remarried a guy who turned out to be an angry (& sometimes violent) alcoholic but is now a wonderful man who quit drinking a few years ago & is a great step daddy to me & my sister. In & Out of many schools as a child my mom tried to help. She eventually settled on homeschooling me. I ended up with my GED at 16years old & I packed my bags & left home. This decision almost cost me my life. I met total strangers traveled many states across the USA & I seldom (most times never) contacted my mom for 2 years. During that time- I drank heavy, did every drug I could get my hands on & got pregnant with my first son. During my pregnancy I never used drugs or drank more than a total of 3 glasses of wine (which was ok with my midwife). However I was living in a dangerous relationship. The guy I was engaged to was much older than me & very abusive. While my pregnancy was totally fine & I thought I knew it all- my heart broke into peices when he beat me severely for the last time-while I was almost 5 months pregnant. A few days later, my water broke & 36 hours later in a birthing center in muskegon michigan all alone except for the nurses & doctors- I delivered my son Raymond Terry 5 months premature after a long painful natural labor. He never survived. A week later I was released from the hospital & I couldnt look into the face of the man I thought I loved- I hated him. I called my mom for the first time in several months & told her I wanted to come home. I packed my bags & she drove all night to meet me & pick me up. I will never forget how she saved me that day.
I came home & got jobs & my own place, but inside I was struggling to live with the loss of my son. I met a girl I worked with whom I later called a friend & she became my roomate. I started drinking heavy & doing everydrug I could get my hands on again. Except this was the worst I had ever been. I never did a single thing sober. I went to bed high or drunk (many cases both) & woke up to drink or get high- I showered drunk or high, everything-including driving I was wasted. I didnt realize it then but I was slowly killing myself. I couldnt bear to face my pain sober. I eventually spent all my money on drugs & couldnt pay for my house any more & moved back into my moms.
I had actually managed to meet someone in all this who in a way saved me from my self driven path to destruction. I quit doing drugs. We were married & after a fairly normal but slightly complicated pregnancy- I later gave birth to my daughter Sydney. That guy turned out to be yet another big painful joke in my life. Turns out the whole time we were together he was in love with his ex who he is now with. Our relationship went bad pretty quickly after our first anniversary when I was noticing him exhibiting cheating behaviors. He lost his job for stealing a buttload of money (which to this day- I never saw & have no clue when he stole it or what he did with it). I was forced to work in a gentlemens club as a dancer to help get us through the winter. He filed a nasty exparte order which over-night without warning ended everything in my life. My marriage & my strong relationship with my daughter. For the many months that followed I tried desperately to hold on to what was left of my marriage & my family. Im not sure why I cared about my marriage so much though- I wasnt ever really happy.
Out of crisis & desperation to find a solution & myself amongst all this I joined the army. 3 months later I was honorably discharged on a medical chapter. The army was one of the best things to happen to me even though my stay was short-lived. I did manage to find inner self. I wasnt so dead after all. I was broken, in pain, tormented by my emotional past- but I was there. I found the strength to let everything go. I came home & told my ex where he could go. I was sick of his crap. I then began the process of picking up the peices of my life & fix what I could.
When I wasnt looking Mario walked into my life. He rescued me in ever way a man can rescue a woman. He loved me for who I was. He didnt care that I was a dancer. He loved my daughter. He understood me. He never held my past against me. He listened to my dreams & loved my heart. Kissed my tears & freed me from my pain. He held my hand through the rough times & the happiest. He was my best friend & I realized quickly I wanted to spend my life with him. The feeling was mutual & just a few days after my divorce was finalized we were married.
We continued to fight for primary custody of my daughter- a battle we are still fighting as of today.
I found God again- submitted my life to his will & what a beautiful relationship it has become. He has blessed us with my beautiful son Jax. I learned to except the person I was inside. I embrace who I am & how I feel. I never cheat myself anymore. I love those who are around me & have a new found passion for living. I realize Ive been through alot (some things Ive put myself through), but my living has just begun. I look back & im glad I managed not to kill myself in the process. I believe I have a purpose here & I look forward to God showing me what that purpose is & using me how he sees fit. I love my kids- When I look into their eyes, I want to make their life happy- I want to be the best mom I can be.
Ive learned alot of things, met alot of people & I realize- Im still learning everyday.