Hilary

hi :] i'm hilary.
i am takenemotionalcrazyquiet&weirdinterestingbroken & fucked up
i don't: drinkuse peoplesmokewhore around
i don't like scary movieswhoresswingerscreepy bugssuperficialitystupid stuff
i am just a girl on a mission
i know that i'm not any better than you.(i don't think i'm anything special)i try to live life abundantlyand not take any moment for grantedall i want to do is love people(not just the romantic kind)i want to show this hurting world that there is Hope.
i want to be apart of something that is bigger than myself.
This is the man I love the most.He left me..My heart still bleeding for him,yes I still love him,I don't believe in any relationship and I dont want so called better guy and I m not about to have sex with anyone anymore.Yeah It's weird but that's just me.He said he'd never break my heart,but it's a lie..He said he didnt mean to hurt me..I have nothing to say,I hope when he think happiness,he will think of me.He means too much to me,I still love him in my own way.. People Keep telling me I will change my mind oneday,I will find a better guy later..I am just too young etc..But shut up!It's my life,Truly I will find a way for myself and dont want anyone to judge.It's better to have loved and lost..."..Than never to have loved at all." Or so says master Shakespeare, at least. But is that true? Many people have asked me recently why i dislike long term relationships, shy away from committment and avoid 'love' in general. Simple answer is, "I don't believe in any of it." Now don't get me wrong, I want to, i really do. And God knows, I've tried. But the simple fact is this; nothing lasts. I know what you're thinking, because i've thought it myself. "It's all her fault" "She didn't try hard enough" "She was looking in the wrong place". All fair critisisms I'm sure. True, once upon a time i had such little faith in relationships that i actively had fingers in several pies, rather than just make the effort to focus on one. And i hurt a lot of people, including myself. So i tried it the other way. Starting with Fallen Angel and all the way upto BB, i put everything into a relationship, but still ended up pulling my hair out, in one way or another. I look around me, and all i see is broken relationships, broken hearts, broken dreams. Family, friends, neighbors, teachers, students; everywhere i look i see people lost, lost to a hope, a desire, a wish for a love that will never come, a love that was never seen, a love, that never really existed. People have said to me that they love me. People have said that they will always be with me, that i am all they will ever want, all they ever need. But then the seasons change, day becomes night and the demons of a persons secret inner soul are revealed. And what is shown, is that you were but a moment, a solitary second in a life time of opportunities.I did meet a man i love,Rob's so amazing etc I tried my best and for fuck's sake he said bye..I hope that life will lead him to my door,I know who I want and this man is different..he asked me "do you ever think about the future,what do you see?"I didnt answer...He's gone now..but I wanna tell him "I see you"is it too late?I want him to be my last one and I dont want a relationship or sex anymore. Someone tells you that they love you today. But what will they say to you tomorrow? You can stand in a church of God, in front of your family and friends, and declare your eternal love for the person standing next to you. But what does it mean? The next day, or 20 years later, it can still turn to ash, scattered into the sea of lifes uncertainties. Do i hold any ill will against those people? Do i blame or curse the people i have met? Of course not! I have said as much as heard, and know that is simply the nature of humans. Not lies, not deceit, simply a temporary illusion that clouds the heart and mind. Some transend the clouds sooner than others, but i for one no longer wish to live, to search among them. Sure, to live there is easier, just wandering blindly about, hoping that the next "BUMP!" will be the right one, but i just can't do it. I can't look anyone in the eye anymore and tell them those most treasured of three words 'I love you', without wondering at the back of my mind "Did i truely mean that?" or "But how will i feel tomorrow?" Is love a waste of time? For some, i guess not. Like religion, alcohol, food or a myriad of other things, its a support that many people base their whole existance on. And they need it to stay alive, to stay motivated and capable of living in the harsh world that we do. But like any other addictive substance, it controls us, weakens us, makes us less than we could be. Simply ask yourself; "How would i be without his/her love in my life?" If the answer is "Destroyed/dead", then is that really something you want to be relying on, dependent on? And if the answer is "Fine/i'd still carry on no problem", then i guess you were never really in love in the first place. So, is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I'll let you draw your own conclusions. You will anyway.