Shadow Boxer

My life is a comedy of errors. I took two girls to homecoming my junior year and went home alone. I will engage you with my letters and entertain you with my stories, but I will disappoint you in person. I daydream about what I will say at my parent's funerals. I hate the irony in hating people who hate everything. I enjoy the company of people who read and dance. Gabriel Garcia Marquez makes my ribs hurt and Chan Marshall makes my pants tight. I have an unhealthy fear of sharks. It haunts me in pools. I have been called a secret asshole. In second grade I wrote the word "ass" on the mirrors in the boys’ room with a bar of soap. Everyone blamed Ronnie Phillips. No one suspected me because I am not the type of person who would do that. Ronnie dropped out of high school and I became the senior class president. I referenced the tooth fairy and Ferris Bueller in speeches during my term. In middle school and into high school I had a secret romance with a girl who lived down the street. I would sneak out to her house in the middle of the night to engage in some heavy petting and a little face sucking. When she graduated from high school she received a boob job as her graduation present. She recently tracked me down and told me that my lack of PDA had a negative impact on her psyche. Butterfly effect? I believe that you should never trust anyone who liked high school. I have unruly ear hair and I will often describe things as fantastic. In seventh grade a girl wrote, “ps. you have a nice butt in my year book." I still do. I beat the shit out of my brother unmercifully growing up. My brother has had sex with the love of my life on several occasions. Each time they have been caught post coitus. The last time my mother mocked them during breakfast for keeping her up all night with their raucous man love. I think hyperboles and double entendres make life more entertaining. I will seek out the foreign and obscure when renting movies from Blockbuster. Nine out of ten times I can't finish the movie. Best Joke Ever: Chicken and Egg are lying in bed, Egg is smoking a cigarette. Chicken says,” I guess we know the answer to that question." Ho Ho Ho. I have a girly voice and latent homosexual tendencies. This often leads to the advances of unwanted suitors and hillbilly assumptions. I drink my coffee black and put sweetener in my unsweetened tea. My friends are funnier then yours, but your friends can probably beat my friends up. I have premonitions of dying in a car crash. This usually happens when I am driving. Bon Jovi's "Young Guns II" soundtrack and Boys II Men's Cooleyhighharmony were my first two tapes. My mother called me a son-of-a-bitch several times growing-up with sincere loathing. I have recently been told that I am not good at keeping secrets. But, if you trust me I am willing to work on it. After graduating college I enlisted in the Marine Corps. I did it for the story and to prepare myself for the inevitable zombie invasion. In Iraq, my buddy Fish would sing Jack Johnson songs to us before we went to bed. When he was done we would turn out the lights and fall asleep to porn. I think I should have found a better source for my stories. But, you best believe I could seriously mangle the undead. I have a tattoo of a fish and a fist respectively. My brother and I were caught watching playboy when we were little kids. I was asked if I wanted to speak with my father about it. I said "no." Playboy was discontinued shortly after. I get incredibly anxious if I think I will miss the previews before a movie. I tend to go to movies alone because of my anxiety. I read books written for girls and I like girls who read books. You should never read a book with embossed lettering or pictures of dragons on the cover. Unless you are 15 or in an airport; then its okay. I carry a picture of a priest in my wallet so I can say Jesus was with me everywhere I go. The Jesuits were my favorite professors, but I don't think I believe in god. I played Magic the Gathering. I am hoping to sell all my old cards to finance my retirement as a fisherman on the Mediterranean. I fear the hereditary nature of my father's gut. I am slowly coming to realize that I will probably marry a woman who can not cook as a well as my mother. This will be good for my gut. Madonna makes me insanely happy. I had a gun held to my head outside a bar in Alabama and by a fry cook at a diner in Baltimore. Dave Matthews Band was my first concert. I do not like Dave any more. Video games are lost on me. I have been dropped in to the Shit, I have searched for the Beach and I walked with the Naked Indian. I was disappointed in all my pursuits. I played the French horn for two weeks in the fourth grade. My father said it was cool. My father listens to classical music and wears bow ties. Only bow ties. I am a two week affair; a passing whim. I am the boy that keeps getting you in trouble with your girlfriend.