The Real Remote Control

My life sucks. I sit in some one's hands and they toss me, they abuse me, they lose me. My only freind is the tv. People watch porn, masturbate to it, and then handle me (UNSANITARY). Plus, I have to sit and watch (which isn't too bad)... I get stuck in the couch cushions all the time, and i get butt cheeks in my face WAY too much. No one ever seems to care about me, until they need to change the channel...I find that rather depressing...I've contemplated suicide, but what is a remote to do? Fall off the couch and hope my batteries pop out? Get lost forever in the couch cushions? Be positioned just under a fat dudes butt as he flops down? I've tried it all....So I just kick back with some fatties and some beers and watch the remote controlettes take their covers off.... Call me Emo and Die!