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I AM CHARLIECABRA!!!
Here is my story, as told by some idiot
Charliecabra, a name that instills fear into the heart of every man, woman, and child south of the border. Not to be mistaken for Chupacabra, the goat-sucker. No, no, Charliecabra’s viciousness is rivaled by none. It is believed that Charliecabra came to be around approximately 1000 BCE, during a Mayan ritual in Tikal. The Mayans were praying for forgiveness to Chaac, the God of Rain. They believed that their cornfields were being wept out by flash floods because of a great injustice done to Chaac. During this forgiveness ritual, the Mayans would gather around a pool of liquid obsidian, which would be used to make scythes once cooled. On one fateful night, however, the ritual went terribly wrong. Chaac was very displeased with these Mayans for reasons unknown, and conversed with Yum Cimil, Mayan God of the Underworld, to create a monster to punish these Mayans.
Yum Cimil called forth Charliecabra from the pool of obsidian, and Charliecabra ate the souls of 5,000 Mayans gathered at this temple. This genocide of biblical proportions was, quite obviously, not written in the bible because no one cared about South America until we found out how fun scuba diving was. According to legend, Charliecabra stared at these Mayans with his evil eyes, killing them instantly. Then, it would proceed to sucking their souls through their chest. The Mayans fought desperately against Charliecabra, but its skin is made of pure obsidian, and thus impenetrable by mortal weapons. After the bloodshed, Charliecabra sank into the Earth, and was not heard of again for thousands of years. However, many unsolved disappearances in the Latin America region have been credited to this monster over the millennia.
Although there is no documented evidence, Charliecabra is believed to have mystical powers. These powers may include, but are not limited to: Laser vision, instant death to all who look into its eyes, can defy gravity, can pass through solid objects, and can instill fear to all even when wearing a ridiculously flashy sombrero.
In the past few decades, there have been a few “sightings†of Charliecabra. The authenticity of these sightings, of course, is disputed. But to those who claim to have seen it, there is nothing more horrid than a visit from Charliecabra. Supposedly, the first indicator that Charliecabra is coming is the repugnant odor of burning children coming from a small hole in the ground. Upon further examination of this small hole, an onlooker would hear a cochlea-crushing growl from the depths of the burrow. This stunning sound is normally the last thing someone who sees Charliecabra will ever experience. What happens next has not been proven, but apparently Charliecabra grabs its victim by the throat and pulls him or her into its lair, and expelling the skinned, charred corpse sometime later.
Despite all this talk of evil deeds and all that mambo-jambo, I happen to enjoy Parker Jazz, Pedicures, Manual pencil sharpeners, senile physics teachers, fine cigars, and totally rocking out at guitar. Flamenco is probably my favorite. If you don't know where I am, go to the boardwalk. If I'm not there, try L'auberge. If I'm not there, then you suck
Things I like:
America
lemonheads
steak
Beer.
Jazz music.
Coffee (but not starbucks),
Fine Cigars
eating innocent children
devouring souls
A few things I don't like:
Hippies
Communists
Cheesburger macaroni
People who cut themselves
Hunting
Over-Zealous Potheads
Radical Conservatives
Ridiculously racist bigots
Mayans
The call of the warrior goose
I am the fabled and feared CHARLIECABRA.
Want to know more? IM me at:
iambaretb OR amibaretb
Matthew 6:5-8