c a r l o s - ProfilesArchive

About Me

Oh, why? You wanna hang out? Well, this is kinda about me:
I use a range of emotions you've never even heard of, let alone felt. This is possible because my brain has its own heart which has its own vagina. It's all very fucked up and scientific and I'm in no mood to go into it. My brain-heart feels bloated and bitchy... therefore, I'm experiencing an emotion which kinda feels like how one would feel if they were teetering on a cliff, about to fall, while trying to hold in a fart to save from embarrassment from the surrounding rocks on the cliff who may be watching. Do you know what that feels like? No? Well, get a brain with a heart with a vagina and maybe you'll know how it feels, you jerk.
Now, imagine the exact opposite of a mountain. Do you imagine a large valley or crater? You could fill that void you're imagining with the grand expansion of how wrong your imagination is. The opposite of a mountain is the period at the end of this sentence. <---Did you see that period? That period and that period alone is the exact opposite of the mountain whose opposite you imagined. I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm just an asshole.

My Interests

My son, Kaidyn, and I are writing an awesome movie. It's called "Hot Wheels Movie". It's about this Hot Wheels car that falls off the arm of a sofa and gets stuck between the cracks of the sofa's cushions. Cut to: Inside of the Hot Wheels car. Two guys are stuck inside. Two very tiny guys. It's dark. To the outside world, it's just a Hot Wheels car. But, to them...well, they're in a pickle. It's so very dark and...shh...what's that sound? Sounds like a dragon...it is! It's a dragon! Ahhh! What will happen next?

We don't know, we haven't gotten that far...but, it's gonna be good. It's gonna blow your socks right off your mind's feet.

I'd like to meet:

Fun facts! Boring facts can suck it.

Music:

Music sounds like shit.

Movies:

"Not Today, Mother Fucker", of course.

Television:

did you just make eye contact with me, you piece of crap?!

Books:

Manuals for appliances that you do not own are a good read when you're so drunk on power after the promotion you recieved at work that you begin to try to find ways to bottle little girls' tears so that you can lace your cigarettes with them, then you go to jail, but still feel, somewhere in those brittle bones, that you are as immortal as you are misunderstood. Those are pretty good.

Heroes:

I used photoshop to make my hero, the "hang in there" kitty, more socially conscious...and fun.

and, this betch right here:

My Blog

fuckin sports, man, let’s watch them.

Sports rule! do you guys like Sports, too? Let's watch some Sports together. Sports are fun to watch and Sports are also fun to watch with other people who like Sports and who think that watching Spor...
Posted by c a r l o s on Tue, 09 Sep 2008 08:42:00 PST

band, now in WOODGRAIN.

"Ladies first? Now who the fuck made up that shit? Nine times out of ten it was a bitch."-Willie D of the Geto Boys, off of the track: I Ain't a Mother Fuckin GentlemenTo Whom It May Concern,Four of m...
Posted by c a r l o s on Sun, 03 Aug 2008 10:29:00 PST

Goodbye Mailbox, the Current State of my bullshit

Dear Diary,this was a much longer post, but I decided it was too heavy-handed and too...honest, maybe. Well, it was too much in my own voice, and I don't like being that serious.Na mean? Seen?here it ...
Posted by c a r l o s on Tue, 22 Jul 2008 02:19:00 PST

A recipe for a classy prank, for James P and Josh R

I found another thingy that I wrote a while back, and had erased from my Blogs for some reason.For Jimmy and Randolph:Hi. I came up with an idea for a real classy prank that one could pull on a friend...
Posted by c a r l o s on Sat, 01 Mar 2008 11:32:00 PST

Stop, drop, and hammer time.

I had a hammer, once. It was made of mid-grade steel, forged in a fire kindled by my father. The handle was of oak, the one and same oak tree that was planted over my grandmother's grave.My father bui...
Posted by c a r l o s on Wed, 30 Jan 2008 01:16:00 PST

Easter and Rape Whistles

Well, it's about that time of year. Yup, it's time for my god damn birthday. Again. What the fuck? All you need to do is find my friends from middle school, high school, or college...they'll all tell...
Posted by c a r l o s on Sat, 31 Mar 2007 10:32:00 PST

BUCK-BUCK

Dear Diary, Today was a good day. Well, no, today was a shitty day. No, no...today was just like any other day for me...half good, half shitty...all Day. To tell you the truth, Diary, today just kin...
Posted by c a r l o s on Thu, 01 Mar 2007 02:20:00 PST

A true story about guns and Time (not the magazine)

A few weeks ago, my very special lady friend that I don't have sex with, Dana, and I went to a gigantic, all-day party at a warehouse, downtown.It was sponsored by some energy drink; the name of which...
Posted by c a r l o s on Wed, 14 Feb 2007 07:01:00 PST

A love song for a tiger.

(This is a song I wrote about me and a tiger, if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and had had a life-long obsession with tigers, AND had decided to go on a safari to hunt down a tiger as my las...
Posted by c a r l o s on Fri, 26 Jan 2007 06:06:00 PST

I wish we had a movie.

TRANSCRIPT OF UNDERGOING EVENTS AT MY HOUSE, JAN 09, 2007, between me, david (roommate), kristian (roommate), zulu (dog), tv (television) david: it would be cool if we had a good movie to watch. tv:...
Posted by c a r l o s on Wed, 10 Jan 2007 11:19:00 PST