Laconic Tuna Melt profile picture

Laconic Tuna Melt

I am here for Dating, Serious Relationships, Friends and Networking

About Me

I only eat tuna if it is caught laconically. I can distinguish toothpaste brands when blindfolded. The underside of the hood of my car is painted to resemble the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. My relationship status is undefinable. I wanted to use the word "arid" but it was not one of the choices. I am not affiliated with any organization that believes in invisible overseers in the sky. I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me (even though sometimes I'd rather believe in someone else because, frankly, I have some self-esteem issues). I am the author of "Why For Not Women Like Me, It's My Nail Polish, Yes?". I am the co-author of "Hey, I Didn't Need You To Help Me Write This Book, Now I Only Get Half The Proceeds".

My Interests

Melting crayons on my car dashboard, bald tire licking, collecting unused, expired supermarket coupons, peeling dried Elmer's (tm) Glue from my body as if it were real skin, buying fine grain sandpaper in bulk and re-selling it at a loss and finally, skipping to my Lou.

I'd like to meet:

Michael Palin, Eddy Izzard, Chris Rock, any actress that played "Catwoman", Bill Clinton, Ellen Degeneres (before the dog nonsense), Larry David, Mikhail Gorbachev, a tornado, preferrably from several miles away, and anyone that doesn't smell like cabbage on the third Wednesday of January. I don't want to meet or for that matter share the same bus seat with anyone named "Missy Lou". I am sorry, some of you Missy Lou's are very nice, I am sure, but your name makes me want to become the next contestant on the Price is Right and bid 100 dollars on every item. A Catholic Priest who doesn't masturbate. My parents, they died before I was conceived, and seriously, voluptuous and zaftig women.

Music:

Infected Blackhead, Philbert and the Steamed Shumai, G.O.N.T.O.R.K., Ribbon, Two Raised to the Third, Herman Melville, Phatigue, Blanche and The Bad Perms, Stumped, At The Roxy, Koincidence, Kramer's Choice, Mild Mannered Ken Dolls, Skreaming Eeevil, Tortoise Soup, Croozin' for a Broozin', Hankering.

Movies:

"Superbad","Waiting for Guffman", "Office Space", "Ghost World", "High Fidelity", "Swingers", "Lost in Translation", "Rear Window", "After Hours", "Bridge on the River Kwai", "Stranger Than Paradise"

Television:

Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Office, History Detectives, Seinfeld, Nova, American Experience. I don't watch reality TV, but I have been known to be curious about American Idol, but only on the Wednesday night vote-off show.

Books:

Warranty for my new mp3 player, although I didn't finish it because someone spoiled the ending for me. Also, recently, "Innumeracy" and "Divided by God".

Heroes:

Bugs Bunny, Bill Murray and New Zealand's Flight of the Conchords. The inventor of mystery meat and the creator of Mystery Meet (a blind dating service). Puff the Magic Dragon did no make this list, though he did receive a Ms. Congeniality award. It hangs proudly on the left wall of his cave next to his dragon bowling trophies. That implies he has a mantel or a shelf--he doesnt: he hangs them by a thread of yarn in a very disturbing manner. I am going to boycott the imagination that thought him up because of it. And finally, McLovin.

My Blog

Life after Death?

Is there life after death, I hope so, because I'll need the time to pay off my credit cards.  Also, it would mean I am no longer middle aged.
Posted by Laconic Tuna Melt on Fri, 08 Feb 2008 03:55:00 PST

The Gabor Sisters

Zsa Zsa and Eva floated my boat.  The lesser known Mildred disturbed me with her poor Algebra study habits.
Posted by Laconic Tuna Melt on Sat, 09 Feb 2008 09:22:00 PST

People I wish I knew

I never knew my parents, they died before I was conceived.
Posted by Laconic Tuna Melt on Fri, 08 Feb 2008 03:52:00 PST

Nonsense

Women, part your hair in the middle and I will follow you anywhere.
Posted by Laconic Tuna Melt on Sat, 27 Oct 2007 02:43:00 PST

I am going to be a great grandfather!

I am going to be a great grandfather.  I met this really cool old guy who has several grandchildren.  I am going to adopt him.
Posted by Laconic Tuna Melt on Tue, 18 Sep 2007 09:45:00 PST

My Blog - Better Uses For Brussels Sprouts

I started a blog on blogspot. http://bettersprouts.blogspot.com/
Posted by Laconic Tuna Melt on Thu, 29 Mar 2007 02:50:00 PST

I tied my shoes

I tied my shoes today, again, as I have for seemingly always.  I needed no help, I tied them by myself.  Maybe tomorrow I will be able to say the same regarding my belt.  It seems simpl...
Posted by Laconic Tuna Melt on Mon, 12 Mar 2007 02:56:00 PST

Consonants, or am I too picky

What happened to good diction?  I was at a restaurant and my server, who I was told to call "Bennie" (but had no Jets), asked if I wanted "mustar" with my sandwich.  I did not hear the "d", ...
Posted by Laconic Tuna Melt on Mon, 12 Mar 2007 02:38:00 PST

Bean Town

Boston is referred to as Bean Town by some, which got me thinking.  Is there a municipality, borough or maybe an incorporation that is known for its attics such that it would be known as Attic Vi...
Posted by Laconic Tuna Melt on Mon, 12 Mar 2007 02:31:00 PST

Languid

Why do ATMs always ask what language we would prefer to transact our business but never, and I mean never, ask if we (the royal customer) are feeling languid?
Posted by Laconic Tuna Melt on Mon, 12 Mar 2007 02:25:00 PST