I'm cynical, usually bored, patronising, bitter and refuse to make friends with anyone who's not local anymore since you all move away. Meanwhile I live my life in a state of perpetual lethargy - I'm not sure if I enjoy that but I really can't be bothered to think about it. I also have a tendency to talk absolute shite. For hours.
I live for the accumulation of music. Most other things in life have a tendancy to be a bit shit, especially society.
You know that one guy whose jokes always go one comment too far? The one who makes the dinner table go quiet, unwittingly insults those around him and brings shame to all the others for having made the mistake in actually inviting him; resulting in disgusted members of the group politely making their exit from the vicinity as they attempt to hide their emotional repulsion at the comments that took place?
Well I wish I had that guy's level of restraint.
I may sound it, but I'm not actually a complete shit... I don't think. I just thought I'd put the quite quick-to-emerge negatives out there first since if we can work with that, it'll be the start of a beautiful friendship. In a totally not-gay way.
But let's be honest, people only use Myspace in order to look at strangers' photos in a creepy internet-stalker way (wanking optional), browse for people they didn't like from school, or primarily to hunt down ex-girlfriends (or ex-boyfriends if you're a lady or that-way inclined) for perverse voyeuristic purposes. Then subsequently point and laugh at the self-glorifying crap that's contained within. So I've saved you the trouble. I'm a miserable fucker and that's all there is to it.
Things I hate:
- People who don't reply to emails - it's not hard you parasites. And I keep a list of you.
- Elitist Apple Macintosh adverts and users. Sub-human bohemian scum.
- Anyone I went to school with who's more successful than me. Which is most of them.
- Steroid-pumped twats who actually shop in 'supplement stores'.
- Anyone with a horrifically-designed, background-blinding, text-clashing, horizontally-scrolling, picture-flooded, thoroughly unreadable Myspace page that acts as a clear example of an amateur's abuse of the internet.
- Selfish twats who have Facebook accounts but not Myspace (as if Facebook is any less sad), and have the audacity to not create a public profile (which is most people on Facebook). How the fuck am I meant to cyberstalk you if I have to add you as a friend first? You thoughtless shits.
- People who think that really bad impressions of the shitty characters on Little Britain or Catherine Tate are in any way witty, clever or even remotely funny. Especially in populated public places.
- Orange tans.
- How someone has a "work do" every single week. No one'll care if you don't go to it, in fact you'll save the boss money. By going, you're taking advantage of the corporate cash fund, putting your business one-step closer to liquidation in the interests of "team-building". Be considerate and come out on the piss with your mates instead. Or else you won't have a job to go back to.
- Male models.
- Those who don't share my scathing, belittling, politcally-incorrect, innuendo-ridden, always-one-comment-too-far sense of humour.
Special powers:
Staying up late (be aware daywalkers, one day us nightcrawlers will rise up & take over and cast the world into perpetual darkness), slaying trolls, the endless novelty of trying beers from all around the world (except America, theirs are shit), smoking fine Cubans, a really good Skeletor impression, fluent in English and '1337 spk' and black metal logo-reading. Inventor of the Dirty Bounty. I also passed my cycling proficiency test. Subbuteo - have you forgotten how great it tastes?
