HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!! profile picture

HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!!

I am here for Friends

About Me


my name is josh. if i seem a little strange, that's because i am. i moved to orlando in the fall of 2004. my story is as old as orlando itself. i just want to tell you up front, orlando is a cruel town. i had a friend in high school who moved here after we graduated to become a broadway dancer, and she ended up becoming a whore. i had another friend who moved here to become a whore and ended up being a broadway dancer. but i digress. when i first came to central florida i was friendless, penniless and living a thousand miles from my hometown. now i own this town. once I'm in motion i become an unstoppable bulging locomotive crammed full of pastries and urine.
doltman
doltman is my right-hand man and closest political advisor. when i found doltman wandering the streets of calcutta, he was muttering about some conspiracy theory involving travis barker being responsible for a sudden increase in prescription drug prices. after taking him in and nursing him back to health on a steady diet of framboise and bikkuri special rolls we became fast friends. since then we have had many adventures, like the "tale of the robot sheriff" and "that one time i drank too much and passed out in the bushes in front of the orlando public library." you can usually find doltman at the beach windsurfing, or out at a local bar on the drums rocking his jewel-encrusted codpiece, or plotting a genocidal coup in a bunker thousands of miles below the earth's surface. beware his punishing "snap and pose."
some fun facts about doltman:
1. he has no understanding of clouds.
2. he refuses to use so-called "privacy glass," much to the detriment of other restaurant patrons.
3. he once ate a baby rhino.
rappy
rappy mcrappington is my lovebot that i constructed during the period in my life i call "the lonely time." i forged her from titanium alloy and with an adamantium endoskeleton and realistic flesh. rappy has striking red hair and green eyes, and loves to lol. she likes the simple pleasures of life, such as taking long walks in winter park with her nose as high as possible in the air, encouraging parking in shopping cart returns and playing strip yahtzee. rappy and i spend most of our tome together. she is currently developing a time travel device to return to the earliest days of human ancestry in an attempt to get the autograph of jebus.

My Interests

daydreaming about improbable situations with co-workers while at my desk, looking at a jpeg image of a 100 years tortoise befriending a baby hippo, creating a business plan based predominately around retrofitting the oscar meyer weinermobile to appeal to a largely homosexual male clientele, writing music and wowing millions with my brilliant guitar and piano works, driving my supremely masculine vehicle with its top down around the local corporate facility at speeds significantly above the posted limit.

I'd like to meet:

tomorrow we fight, and perhaps we die, but know this, years from now, when you've settled down, you can sit your boy up on your lap, and when he asks you how you met his mom, you wont have to shift him to the other knee, clear your throat and say, "boy I got someones hand me down." instead you can look at him straight in the eye and say, "i followed this son of a bitch named joshua witter and we took what we wanted."

Music:

i play guitar and piano. i regularly attend concerts at the local venues. someday i hope to play at them. they just don't seem to appreciate my unique blend of traditional native american ragtime. fuck them. i like music that can crush me, like an ancient thousand acre squid emerging from a mid-oceanic trench and flattening a series of campsites with it's wheelbarrow sized clacking beak. bands i like: the used, afi, cartel, fall out boy, hawthorne heights, all-american rejects, the killers, death cab for cutie, flyleaf, dave matthews, coldplay, morrissey/smiths, oasis, radiohead, the darkness, something corporate, smashing pumpkins, guns n' roses, third eye blind, travis, u2, weezer, tenacious d, pulp, journey, green day, blink 182, gin blossoms, arcade fire

Television:

america's next top model, top chef, top gear, and star trek: the original series. all other television shows suck.

Heroes:

JAMES RANDI, Stephen Hawking, Richard Dawkins, psychology students with red hair and green eyes that constantly quote al gore, build robotic law enforcement devices out of cardboard and get turned on by chicken impersonations. octogenarian drummers who look 30 years old who travel the globe in search of extreme outdoor activities such as volcanic windsurfing while drinking only the most expensive (read: gayest) beers.

My Blog

blast off

after spending two days inside, this morning rachel and i decided to go for a walk around the block. it turned out that when we were rounding the last bend a group of neighbors appeared in the street...
Posted by HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!! on Wed, 24 Oct 2007 08:46:00 PST

fyad

He's fyad, so it's ironic. FYAD kind of reminds me of a joke Bill Hicks used to open with. "Hello ladies and gentlemen. I am a comedian and a poet, so anything I say that you don't laugh at is a poem...
Posted by HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!! on Sun, 03 Jun 2007 11:22:00 PST

Web Site Will Deliver Letters to Those Left Behind

Web Site Will Deliver Letters to Those Left Behind By KATHERINE BOYLE c. 2007 Religion News Service (UNDATED) Neither snow, nor rain, nor fire and brimstone will keep Joshua Witter from the swift ...
Posted by HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!! on Tue, 08 May 2007 11:53:00 PST

russell's teapot

http://russellsteapot.com/comics/...an excellent comic!
Posted by HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!! on Mon, 09 Apr 2007 01:50:00 PST

george bush: great president or greatest president? we report, you decide

The List Wikipedia List - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catego...n_controversies HenryKrinkle's list (Link) List of Scandalized Administraion Officals - (Link) Firing of US Attorneys for possibly polit...
Posted by HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!! on Mon, 09 Apr 2007 09:33:00 PST

america

khaled el-masriextraordinary rendition...and i'm proud to be an american,where at least i know i'm free.and i wont forget the men who died,who gave that right to me. and i'll gladly stand up,next to y...
Posted by HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!! on Mon, 05 Mar 2007 09:12:00 PST

god needs your support!

he loves you, and he needs money! he always needs money! he's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!"ps this country was founded on slave labor the chri...
Posted by HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!! on Thu, 01 Mar 2007 08:12:00 PST

lol nyc

i'm going to ban the words "ban" and "word". then we'll see who bans what words 
Posted by HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!! on Thu, 01 Mar 2007 05:44:00 PST

amazing low calorie breakfast

as you know i love instant oatmeal.  my two favorite flavors are peach and raisin cinnamon.  did you know that every fruit and cream oatmeal is made with apples as the fruit?  it's true...
Posted by HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!! on Wed, 28 Feb 2007 12:35:00 PST

recipe for fun circa 1998

1. drive a big old american v6 land barge such as the ford fairmont that comes with with pseudo luxury items particularly vacume operated cruise control and a 3 speed auto. set the cruise control at 8...
Posted by HAIL THE RAPTOR JESUS!! on Tue, 27 Feb 2007 10:35:00 PST