There's something about Alyssa

March 18, 2066

In what caught most of the world off-guard, Alyssa Sager – wife, mother of 3, grandmother of 13 – broke the legendary fried potato career eating record with a massive 2lb. breakfast serving, bringing her running total to 2,396.5lbs. The old career record of 2,395.8lb was set by Cletus Bubba Murphy III back in the 1960’s, an era famous for its care-free and fun-at-the-breakfast table lifestyle. A son of an Irish immigrant and a 10th generation redneck Cletus was known throughout the potato crowd as ‘spud-nik’ (although it’s likely he never got the reference) and was said to have eaten fried potatoes for 3 days straight after hearing about the Irish Potato Famine of the 18th century. Since his passing in 1972 his grandson (Cletus V) has been monitoring the fried potato consumption around the world. “Ey juss new dat one day granpappy’s record be brokin’. Ey juss ne’r reckoned it be by some little 95lb lady. I gotta take my hat off to ‘er, she stayed true to form and it were her determinatin’ that got her here toduy.”

Quietly over the last 77yrs Alyssa has been slowly, but steadily, eating her way to the top. When asked to comment over the phone on her record-breaking accomplishment Alyssa could only say “huh?...Five more minutes…and…a glass…of water…zzzzzzzzz”. It is believed that we interrupted ‘nap time’, which is commonly phase III of a St. Patrick’s Day hangover.

Like many other eating records before it the career potato record is not without controversy. Despite close monitoring since the mid-90’s Alyssa has been accused of under-frying and over-salting on countless occasions – common points of contention. “This is very typical and we are, of course, investigating. However, this should in no way detract from this marvelous accomplishment. Even if the Murphy family contests this we anticipate Alyssa to eat her way to the top in very near future. Afterall, her 85th birthday’s coming up”. George Thompson, from Guinness World Records was quoted as saying.

Alyssa’s niece, Eleanor Snyder – world famous for her stunts in “I’m Gonna Get you Sucka IX” and her marriage to extreme moonboarder Clint Snyder – who was present at both the St. Patty’s celebration and the morning-after breakfast said “Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been dining with and more recently cooking her potatoes. I’m so proud to have known such a wonderful person and especially one that enjoys a fine meal. She has made all of us very proud.”

It appears that this record will stand for some time. Not only does Alyssa have years to pad her record, but the current active streak in 2nd place is at a paltry 1,589lbs – a point that Alyssa passed back in the 2020’s.

Rest up Alyssa and welcome to the record books!

(written by my amazing boyfriend Brian)

I sing, therefore I am, and I LOVE HISTORY! I feel as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders, but really, it's on all of our shoulders (or at least under our feet)...either way, I am helping to save the world. Some may say that I am controversial, I would say that I'm passionate. I also have a large presence. Some people don't like that. This is because they're taught that women shouldn't take up space, that their weight determines their worth. This is bull shit. Knowing who you are and what you stand for is true beauty. I plan to build a community of STRONG women (and men) all around me. That is what is real. Oh, and so is poverty and hunger....let's eradicate it together!