matthew profile picture

matthew

Just bring your handsome face, and a check for $60

About Me

i was born on a pirate ship. and on that ship i had a duck. eee eye eee eye oooh. but that duck he had herpes. eggos eggos eggos. with a rash rash here and some discharge there. also, on that duck i raised some fleas. and on those fleas i put little clothes. and that drove me crazy. and wouldnt give me a ride back. and then i had to call a cab. and the cab driver took me to my house. and i said, "this is not my house, its a pirate ship." and he said, "pile of shit?" and i said, "no. pirate ship." and he said, "stop holding your tongue or pirate ship will sould like pile of shit every time." and then i released my tounge and said, "thanks." and then i got out and i showed everyone i know the pictures of my trip to crazy. i was not very pleased when i found the duck had gotten pregnant and was full of live babies. i said, "duck, how in the hell do you have live babies? ducks lay eggs." and then the duck pulled off his mask and it was not a duck at all. it was in fact, a vhs cassette. i was outraged that i poured so much of myself into raising what i thought was a duck with fleas with tiny clothes on that i stormed out of the house and had the worst pastrami on rye that i ever ate. it was so dry. i mean, did they have to make it so dry? it was really dry. plus, i asked for swiss cheese and they gave me provalone. now, don't get me wrong, i am totally down with the provalone but shit, i ASKED for swiss, goddamnit. thats when i threw out my sandwich and asked for the movie rights to my neighbor's lawn. he said no. so i burned his lawn to the ground. which turned out to be a quick job because his lawn sits on the ground. not like my floating lawn. it would take at least nine hours to burn IT to the ground. thats why i'm better than my neighbor. plus i dont get married to the first lady who'll suck my dick, much unlike my neighbor. i think he is a virgin. or at least, he used to be.

My Interests

comics, animation, science, beer, jagermiester, cooking, eating, hanging out, taking naps, burnination, SHITZMUOR!

I'd like to meet:

upstanding ladies and gentlemen. also lowlifes and dead beats. all walks of life, including, but not limited to: robots, androids, dwarves, millionaires, gnomes, perverts, and wizards. please, no religious fundamentalists or advertising executives. also, the abiliity to enjoy/tell good dick and fart jokes a must. Warning: Mayostard will expire before Mustardayonaise

Music:

Automator, Mike Patton, Chemlab , My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult , Henrietta Collins and the Wifebeating Childhaters, Nine Inch Nails , Afghan Whigs, Ween , Danzig , Rollinsband, CCR, the Stones, the Beatles, KMFDM , Skinny Puppy, Del the Funky Homosapian, the Pixies, Mos Def , Talib Kwali, Kool Kieth, Mastadon, Neurosis, Space Ghost's Musical Bar-B-Q, MC Paul Barman, Tool , Aphex Twin, Underworld, DJ Shadow , Pulp, the Orb, Autechre , Plastikman, Bad Religion, Pantera, Dimmu Borgir, all things Ninja Tune , Bjork, Pink Floyd, Black Flag, James Kochalka Superstar , Firewater , Ministry, Elliot Smith, Add n to x , Sonic Youth, the Roots , Billy Joel, Fantastic Plastic Machine, Kid Koala, Dave Brubek, mc chris , the Eels, Leonard Cohen, Neutral Milk Hotel, Dillenger Escape Plan, Stereolab, James Plotkin's Atom Smasher, the Misfits, Mu-ziq, the Dolimites, Shpongle, Bongzilla, the apartment, the Queers, We, De La Sol, Beastie Boys, Mr. T Experience, Public Enemy, Aube, the song in Rules of Attraction when the girl who likes vanderbeek kills herself, ...I also like Radiohead.

Movies:

Battle Royale , Kill Bill vol. 1 and 2 , Adaptation , Versus, Suicide Circle, Evil Dead 2, Dead Alive, Memento, Spun, Fahrenheit 9/11, Donnie Darko , Spiderman, Meet the Feebles, Kentucky Fried Movie, Blackbelt Jones, Spaceballs, Rope, the Big Lebowski, The Lord of the Rings , The Duel, 28 Days Later, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?, The Mortal Storm, all things Troma related , Rear Window, Amelie, Breakfast of Champions, Time Bandits, Brazil, A Clockwork Orgy, 12 Angry Men(the old one, not the one with Tony Danza), Full Metal Jacket, The Cube, Comic Book Villians, Fantasy Exchange, House of Flying Daggers, Cool Hand Luke, and others.

Television:

family guy, simpsons , mr. show , [adult swim] , 24 , the IFC, futurama, arrested development, farscape

Books:

the work of alan moore, the work of neil gaimen , the work of brian micheal bendis , the work of frank miller , the work of chuck palahniuk , the work of david sederis, the work of kurt vonegut, the work of tom wolfe, the work of jim mahfood , battle royale, 100 Bullets , stormwatch: team achilles, sleeper.

Heroes:

batman, superman, the avengers (excluding ant man, he is dumb), the x-men, captain marvel. the guy who made this movie....
Dick Doodles - Watch more free videos

My Blog

all you motherfuckers are going to pay! it is you who are the ball lickers

i felt it was time for a new "blog."
Posted by matthew on Sat, 04 Aug 2007 02:22:00 PST

The Lost "What If?" Comic Archives

I wasn't very popular in high school. While my peers were playing team sports, attending social activities, and engaging in sexual congress with the opposite sex, I was in my basement organizing my co...
Posted by matthew on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Movies From Memory: "The Matrix"

Once upon a time, inside a computer, there was a guy named Neo. He was just a regular guy who had his brain plugged into a giant computer by the robots that ruled over mankind. The robot's giant compu...
Posted by matthew on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

superman vs. the judicial system, part two

as great as he was at catching criminals, superman was frequently frustrated as a crime-fighter, because often when the peole he captured came up for trial, the judge would simply set them free. one o...
Posted by matthew on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

johnny carson is dead

wow. king of late night is no more. and to get off the subject whats with all this bullshit down there. current mood? i am annoyed by the internet and how it makes people dumb.
Posted by matthew on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

fedex sucks.....and the horrible disaster that is my life

man o man does fedex suck it. please, to all reading this, dont use them. go brown. cuz its way funnier. also they can't suck as hard as fedex. a buncha goons run that shit. also everything that...
Posted by matthew on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

so this is different....

much has changed in the world of myspace as well as the world of me. i am still a drunk but i have significantly less money than i should like. also, this is called blog? what the fuck is that? bl...
Posted by matthew on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

The End is nigh...repent! i mean rejoice.

three more days. yes, yes, y'all. three more days y'all. then i never have to talk with anyone about their unpaid bills again, unless i want to or i am forced to because they are my unpaid bills an...
Posted by matthew on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Lord of the King: Return of the Ring.

what a buncha bullshit. that movie has been playin all damn day and i'm stuck here, not watching it. and it looks like i'll have to wait until the weekend to find out if Isildur's heir asends the th...
Posted by matthew on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

i've been hit by a friggin car.

at least that's what it feels like. or i mean, what i imagine it feels like. i've never been full on hit by a car (truck or van) but i hear its painfull. so...snow sucks it, big time. also, not ex...
Posted by matthew on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST