The Dustin Zirkle profile picture

The Dustin Zirkle

CAPTAIN INSAINO!!!

About Me

I am 24 years old and live on my familys ranch. I go to Howard Payne right now in pursuit of a buisness degree I am also coaching the goalkeepers on the soccer team.


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Grandpa: "What the... what the hell is this?"John: "That's lite beer."Grandpa: "Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?"John: "Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high."Grandpa: "Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?"John: "Bacon."Grandpa: "Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?"John: "What?"Grandpa: "Huh?"John: "Goes to show you what?"Grandpa: "Well it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?"John: "Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts."Grandpa: "Yeah?"John: "I thought maybe there was a moral."Grandpa: "No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. Like that story."

My Interests

Hunting and Fishing and coaching soccer


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I'd like to meet:

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey & fell into it:"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas, & was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, & I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event & a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, & besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. broad is starting to look HOT, and I am being to suspect it is nuclear-waste I'm eating.Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted & 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended whenI told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice & peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions & garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me.I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, & I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, & the world sound like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell & pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)

Music:

Everything, but I mostly listen to country

Movies:

anything thats good I love to watch movies

Television:

I like to watch the discovery channel because I enjoy seeing the crab fishing show eight times a day and then when that gets old I switch over to CNN so I can get the democats view on whats going on then I know that if I am not agreeing with it I havent lost my mind


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Books:

I never learned how to read but I can can make a fart noise with my legs

Heroes:

I like Elton John first off because he has a name that works when reversed. And second because he let all the other gays think that it's ok to dress like a fairy. I also believe he is the metro sexuals idol and that saves some poor strait guy that just looks like a girl from that embarisment.


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