TYLER, the giant gilla monster

Excuse me for growing up black and poor.
I'm a crazy asshole from the rocky mountains of colorado. I'm hungry for knowledge and a sucker for mustaches.
Journey through time? I blink at the thought. What was the guardian supposed to be, a time traveler? I hadn't realized that bit of silliness had existed for so long.
Currently, I'm employed with the Navy, somehow they "got" me. They forced me to be on a floating death trap for six months with other smelly dudes and a few beastly women that make your cousin with all that back-acne look a whole lot better. Sure, its taken me to places like Italy and Greece, but seriously, no.
Weirdos and normal people alike are always astonished when they come to find that my parents actually do love me and that I'm not some escaped mental patient.
I usually rock the emo scene but I can play any role (ex. alcoholic, banker, children's book author, lion tamer). I prefer to be a desperate housewife.
Someday I plan to runaway from life and join the circus. There's nothing better than drinking with some chimps and a bearded lady.
it's funny how your worst enemies always seem to turn out to be all your best friend's best friends.
Alcohol is ruining my life and I'm not too worried about it. Drink. Then go drive. Or just call a taxi.
These are essential:
♣I butter the bottom of my toast
♣I enjoy people who own penny jars
♣PGA Tour groupies are hott!!!
♣when drunk, I order BMTs at Subway
♣I prefer peeing in public
adopt your own virtual pet!