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&; I'm Katie.
I'm all kinds of retarded. I'm vulgar and obscene, I'm cordial and polite. I'm sympathetic towards some, indifferent towards others. I can't stand waiting in lines, or crowded places. I talk too much for most people's liking. I'm too often told I'm too nice. Oh well. I wear a lot of makeup sometimes, and I don't care if you don't like it.
There are very few people who appreciate my quirky personality. I'm confused about my entire life. I've got skeletons in my closet, just like you and everyone else.
Don’t ask for my advice, I don’t have the answers. I live life in avoidance of reality. Don't tell me that I'm 'scene' or 'emo', you're fucking stupid. Don't make me kick you in the teeth, you dumb fuck. When people meet me, they always ask if I have extensions. Go ahead and feel my hair, it's real. I tend to screw people over; most sincerely unintentionally. I'm hypocritical and contradictory in every single way.
I worry about every possible, minute detail of my life. I like things the way I like them, and I don't like to change. I have a hard time trying new things, but I've been getting a lot better about that lately. I'm not perfect. I've made more mistakes than you'll ever know, and I keep making them. I'm human. Just like you. And the most difficult moment in my entire life was watching the person who gave me life, breathe the last ragged breaths of theirs.
&; You delve a little deeper.
I've sat down on this curb and thought awhile, got back up
and walked a mile, and realized it's just a constant cycle.
I try so hard to fix everyone else's life, while mine crumbles
to dust right before my eyes. So eventually I give up, and
stop caring. I sit down on the curb and tell everyone to
fuck off. I push away those closest to me, and most of the
time they don't come back, I go back to them, because
my fear of being alone is deeper than my fear of failure.
I crawl back to people and situations that are bad for
me, because they feel good sometimes and I talk myself
into believing that those few good times outweigh the
many bad ones. But to be completely honest, they don't.
Don't think you'll be able to use me as the excuse for your relationships falling apart, for your life becoming unmanageable. You fight with someone for some completely stupid and utterly pointless reason, and it escalates into a huge ordeal. When you've run out of excuses for the way that you've acted and the things that you've said, you turn to your last resort; me. Does my existence ruin your life? Not really, I'm not even bothering you. But you tell everyone I am. It's not my fault, okay?
I'm the type of person that doesn't give up on people, even when they give up on me. Once you've come into your own place inside my heart, you're stuck there with an infinite amount of the world's strongest super glue. You can't unstick yourself, and neither can I.
I have a really odd personality. I'll be the shyest person you'll ever meet. I'll hide when I'm afraid of you, and I'll forget how to speak English at times. Then once I get to know you, I am the stupidest, happiest, most genuine and affectionate person towards you. I love my friends more than anything, and I'm the kind of person who always listens, that you can call day or night with your problems. I'll try to help you. I might succeed, I might fail horribly and make everything worse. I'm only human. My laugh is kind of like a disease, hang around too long and you'll catch it. It's this annoying, high pitched squeaky squeal thing that makes my ears bleed. I can't help it. Kelsey says I hiccup weird too. Oh well.
Have you ever had the unexplainable urge to just cut yourself open and take a look at your insides? I sometimes have that feeling. I want to open myself up and examine everything about my body that makes my heart beat, my blood race, my soul ache.
The things I've said, the things I've done, the places I've been, and all that I have seen have helped shape the person I am today. I'm not who I want to be. I'm still figuring it all out. I want to be myself. When I find out who that person is; I'll let you know. Until then just be content with the person I am, and don't wait around for the person I am yet to become. You might be waiting forever. If you asked me right now, this very second, who I am, it’s most likely I wouldn’t be able to answer you, because the truth is; I have no clue. Some days I wake up in the morning with this notion in my head, that I’ve got it all figured out; I know exactly who I am and what the world is all about. Then some sudden, completely out of the blue occurrence shatters my entire foundation on which I stand, and my feet fall out from under me and I spiral down and down, back to the real world; a world I will never understand.
I think the worst part about finding out someone lied to you, is realizing you weren't worth knowing the truth. I tend to put faith in people too easily. I give people my trust and my complete loyalty, without thinking twice about all prior experiences and reasons why this is really a terrible idea. Then what do you know? Someone I trust always lets me down, always screws me over; and I get reminded again of how I shouldn't trust anyone. Thanks for everything.
Honestly…I’d be lying if I said I was so different from any of you, because in truth I’m probably a lot like you. I don’t try to be, and I don’t care if I am or not. I’m not looking to fit in, and I’m not looking to stand out. I’m just trying to get by in life. I would ask you not to judge me based off my looks, my style, my musical preferences, or the people I hang out with…but what’s the point? You probably already have a preconceived notion in your head about me. So go ahead and judge me.
I have a hard time holding decent conversations with people, because I find most people to be lacking a high enough level of conversational skill to satisfy my intellectual needs. So do me a favor? Be midly interesting and thought provoking with conversation directed towards me. "What's up?" Nothing. "How are you?" I'm fine, thanks. Be creative. And whatever you do, don't ask me, "So, what do you want to talk about?" Ix nay.
&; This is my life. I'm trying to think of something to say that describes this part of me. It's so hard to find words.
You are my whole world, inside of out. I owe you everything, and yet you take nothing from me, all you do is give a reason to wake up in the morning. You know me better than any other.
I would give anything to see you smile. Your laughter heals my aching heart. Thank you for being there when everyone else walked out on me.
Denny, I love you. That's a promise that no one can break.
&; Rest In Peace.
Lacy Lee Peck
March 10, 1954 - December 11, 2006
My mommy was an amazing woman. She used to be my best friend. There is so much a mother has to teach her children about life. I know I didn't learn everything my mom ever meant to teach me, but what I did learn; I treasure. I will carry with me those "life lessons" forever. The bond I shared with her, is impossible to ever share with another. Between mother and child, there exists an unexplainable, intangible connection. Not in your entire life will you realize that connection exists, until it's broken. When that happens; the emptiness, loneliness, loss, and longing that you feel is overwhelming. Mommy, I love you more than words could ever express, and I miss you with each waking moment, and each dragging day. I'm sorry for all that I've done, I hope you've forgiven me now. I love you.
You know, everyone has been telling me to get over the loss of my mom, to move on with my life or whatever, yet the people who sit there and say such things have never lost anyone close to them, and they have no idea how it feels to have to face each day with the cold realization the one person you thought would live forever...is gone. I was convinced as a child that my mom was going to always be there, I mean, I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS imagined she could die; it just wasn't possible. But she did. She's gone, and I think every day about all the time I ever wasted being angry or being a horrible child. I was never who my mom wanted me to be, sometimes I tried to be, but most of the time I just didn't care, and now I regret so much of what I've done.
I hate when I hear people say shit like, "I hate my mom, she's such a fucking bitch. Why doesn't she just go die?" You will regret that some day, every thing like that you will say. No matter how much you think you 'hate' her, you'll never realize how much she means to you, until she's gone. And then you'll realize how much you actually loved her, but it'll be too late to say you're sorry.
