Barnacle

When I walk into a bar, people are excited. Why? Because I'm awesome. Quite simply, I excel at life. Women, money, cigars, scotch - sure these are things you'll undoubtedly find on my person. However, it is not these things that define me - rather, it is my choice to surround myself with such things that should tell you exactly who I am - a man of impeccable taste, unprecedented fashion, and sophisticated wit. Now, this may sound conceited but that is hardly the case. I simply state the obvious and don't worry, I'm more than willing to share my wisdom with you. Those who have experienced the full Barney have always asked for seconds. I have been voted best wing man by the readers of Barney's Blog three years running - it is an honor I accept with the utmost humility. I have no problem going out and helping my friends get laid because while I'm helping you mack that little cutie by the bar (the one with the cute dimples and the tribal tattoo) I'm sending out vibes to that gorgeous blonde bopping her head to "Purple Rain" by the jukebox. Bet you didn't even see her there - stick with me and I'm sure you'll see the world in a whole new, beautifully awesome light.