jared j. karow

I'd like to meet:

-information
as a child, i was forced to eat cockroaches and ragweed salads... my four psychologists suggest that this is the reason as to why i can never again eat russet potatoes.

i am infatuated with perfection, while i maintain a mindset of sheer insanity.

there are days when i feel like i should cover myself up in reynolds aluminum brand foil and sit outside... those days are usually rainy ones.

i am in college studying how to eat with forks... i am going to major in forkology... my minor, of course is sporkology.

i blow bubbles in my spare time... usually the bubbles are made from a secret mixture of soap, water, and essential oils from the paparadus plant of northern zimbabwe.

when i am hard up for money, i usually spin in circles on the corner of 2nd ave. and granite blvd. until somebody asks me if i am alright... upon their questioning of my status, i then jump onto them, grab their wallets, and nibble on their ears for approximately three seconds, and then i get off of them, and run away as fast as i can... throwing off any clothing articles that remain on my body, until i find a nice cement barrier to run into.

i live in an azalea bush.
i bathe under an orange tree.

i refuse to believe that global warming is happening, because the environmentalists lied to me and told me that there were "three r's", and years later i learned that there are actually four!

my father is a multi-billionaire -in fact- he was the man who invented the things that you place into your toilet tanks, and it turns your water blue... needless to say, he disowned me and now lives on his own island in the gulf coast of mexico.

my mother has had nothing but negative feelings since i was tossed from her cool-whip container, and she forced me into slavery at the age of six. i worked for a man named sylvester lemoore for nearly ten years. i was the one responsible for turning the cotton gin. this job took about twelve hours of my time each day... sylvester was a real nice man... he fed me the innards of the cows he slaughtered for dinner... it is a shame that they were always four weeks old! -my psychologists say that this is more than likely why i am an animal rights supporter.

i married a horse, two cattle, and a hedgehog... none of those marriages lasted, so i am now in a relationship with a human being.

i used to play yo-yo professionally, but had to retire to continue my studies in forkology.

i now spend my days sitting in dark crevices smoking cigars, drinking vinegar, and playing imaginary video games, using my dirty sock as my pretend controller.

my life could be summed up in one word... and that word has been forgotten.

if you need any further information about me, i would be willing to supply it upon request... just ask!

(information dupply costs only 15 easy payments of $12.99 (plus tax) not including $23.65 s&h. please allow two weeks to deliver. sorry, no c.o.d. we accept all major credit cards!)

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