Forrest Mallard

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HOW TO MAKE A "FORREST MALLARD"

Birth and nurture in South Florida for the first 17 years Enlist with the United States Marine Corps immediately after high schoolEnlistment in USMC should come with healthy doses of travel to:Japan (4 years - where you will try, but never learn the language.. and sing in two Japanese pop bands even still) the Philippines (7 months - where you will become a minor pop star with a co-host TV show and people chasing you down the street in Manila.. until a volcano erupts and you have to evacuate the country with your A6 Air Squadron -- It will be the best time of your life.) Australia (4 months - spend the entire time in the outback in places that aren't even on the map.. your free time will be at dirtbike races and you'll ride in a Aussie helocopter that performs aerial 360* flips.. this makes you hyper-aware of your mortal status South Korea (where you will get trapped while on leave inside the American Embassy in Seoul during an anti-American riot.. and end up turning the situation into a dinner invitation that evening at the Embassy residences.. having to borrow another ambassador's tux to attend. North Carolina (sorry.. there had to be a catch, didn't there.. well get the hell out of here as soon as you possibly can)

at the age of 20, be the youngest person to reach the rank of Sergeant in the entire Pacific theatre (promoted 5 times in your first three years) obtain all of the necessary fluff awards and medals.. but also acquire the Navy Achievement Medal for outstanding service as an Intelligence Chief during the Gulf War and a Certificate of Commendation for being first in your class when graduating from Non-Commissioned Officer's School

Take your counter-intelligence training from the military and land a job as a white collar crime private investigator and work fighting industrial espionage along side the same people that uncovered Watergate Found the organization Arts In Action and raise well over $2 million for local DC AIDS charities.. without ever taking a penny in return Produce a series of events over the span of three years that incorporate the national touring companies from Broadway productions into small cabaret events to be held in various Georgetown mansion ballrooms Become the only white singer in the mass chior "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Gospel" which will take you to the Kennedy Center stage several times a year Produce the entertainment concert after-party on the capitol lawn for AIDS Walk starring Cindy Lauper and Diane Reeves.. but you will not be able to attend because you leave for your new job, working on Broadway with the production of CRAZY FOR YOU, the same day

Work on Broadway on and off for 10 years and learn every angle of production, including: House management, stage management, public relations and marketing, general management, etc. Work with so many celebrities and people that you grew up watching on TV that you will eventually completely lose your ability to become star-struck Launch one of the first ever Internet newsletters, Production Notes, that will start out as a hobby then quickly consume your life. ProdNotes will eventually become the theater industry's main source of gossip and will stay that way until the dawn of the theater websites like Broadway World and TheaterMania. Theater, film and TV stars will now be fans of yours. Grow your subscriber list from 200 to 45,000 over the period of 10 years.. and cover the behind the scenes happenings of any event you ever wanted to attend.. because now you're "press"

TURNING POINT (stop trying to be an artist - go for the money)

After spending some time working for corporate America .. and learning from the pros like Tony Staffieri, President Savvy Management and John Hayes. EVP Global Advertising, American Express, you will try to take some of that thinking and you will be filled with the entrepreneurial spirit?will fail miserably. Take a three month break to Woodstock , NY where you will re-energize your spirits and learn to really dislike (because hate is such a strong word) your lesbian ex-wife Return to NYC with all of the energy you had when you first arrived.. except this time you have a Rolodex to DIE FOR!! Get recruited to work in the nightlife industry where your combined organizational and production management skills will have you on the executive staff within a month Since you are now known as a man who can get his hands on ANYTHING at ANYTIME, you will become actively involved with the New York Chapter of Celebrity Personal Assistants and the NY Hotel Concierge Association For extra flavor you will extend yourself out of these parameters and become involved with projects like handling the press for the Olympic Medals Plaza during the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympic Games and helping to produce the 2006 Winter Music Conference and the International Dance Music Awards

Finally.. when everything has been brewing, baked and cooled, and it looks like the process is complete.. realize that you really enjoy your life more when you are just around good people. Knowing you would trade the opportunity to work on another MTV or Grammy Awards show for the chance to spend some time in a third-world country where the people have nothing.. but whatever they have is yours to share. No questions asked.

Then.. you're done. (I think.)

Television:

Though I never really watched TV when I lived in the states, living in Ecuador I have the option of buying TV shows for $1.50 per DVD.. which means I can catch entire seasons for about $7.50 (as apposed to $60 in the USA). So far I have caught up on and fallen in love with the following:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Smallville
Lost
Despirate Housewives