"Life is short. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that makes you smile."
People Who:
Keep in touch,
Tell stories,
Don't spred alot of bullshit,
Are challenging,
Ask questions,
And have time to talk
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Sir, yes, sir.
I'll bet they regret that. You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece.
Like my uncle Les used to say "When the money is gone, it's time to move on". So enjoy it, you secret handshaking assholes.
You have to understand that there are some things a girl just can't do.
Name one.
Piss on a wall, get laid with your pants on...
Who'd want to?
I don't know about you, but I intend on writing a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this.
Well, guess I'm next. 'Bout time, too. I have a photo shoot with GQ in about an hour and a half. They've been trying to get me for weeks. Some underware thing or something...
I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
Ah! Beach Boys!
Oh, hell no! You didn't just touch my goddamn radio!
The Beach Boys are great American music.
The Beach Boys gonna get you a great ass whuppin'. Don't you ever touch a black man's radio, boy! You can do that in China but you can get your ass killed out here, man!
How could you do this to me? On national television!
Because you're not quite evil enough.
Well it's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
Excuse me, I uh... excuse me.
How is it in there?
Be careful.
Why's that?
You could, spend ALL your money... in there.
Ballplayers. I don't have ballplayers, I've got girls. Girls are what you sleep with after the game, not, not what you coach during the game.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.
It's not. It's the same ballpark.
Ain't no fuckin' ballpark neither. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her Holiest of Holies, ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Look, foot massages don't mean shit.
THAAAANKKK YOUUUUU SIRRRRRRR.
Wow. I wish I could speak whale...
My father was an alcoholic. Mean fuckin' drunk. Used to come home hammered, looking to whale on someone. So I had to provoke him, so he wouldn't go after my mother and little brother. Interesting nights were when he wore his rings...
He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "Choose."
Well, I gotta go with the belt there.
I used to go with the wrench.
Why?
Cause fuck him, that' why.
Did you brush your teeth?
Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.
You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it... to see if you actually brushed your teeth... or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.
If that's true, we're gonna REALLY have to start brushing our teeth.
How would you like that?
Three dimes, a hundred dollar bill and 87 ones.
In case we don't make it and I die first... eat me.
Eat you? I don't even like talking to you on the phone.
You can milk just about anything with nipples.
I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?
Have you seen this girl in the past 24 hours?
Yeah, cute kid. Ain't my type though. You know, I like 'em with a little more meat on 'em. Ha ha. The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'.
I think I can still smell your wife's pussy stink on my gun... hope it doesn't rust the barrel.
We blow half a day in Paris, all because Browning had a bad fucking dream?
What is that?
It's a belly-button ring.
Speak up, I can't hear you.
ITS A BELLY-BUTTON RING! HOW ELSE CAN I SAY IT, I DON'T SPEAK NO OTHER LANGUAGES! Oh, and you wanna know what that is,
[sticks out her tongue]
that is a tongue ring.
Pontoon boat? Whaddya going to do with a pontoon boat? Retake Omaha Beach?
I'm so hungry I could eat the ass end out of a dead rhino, I should have had you get me three of these things!
I'm telling you, the Devil gypped me for a HAMBURGER!
My Son was watching law&order with me where a kid jumped out into the road. I said see what can happen if you go into the road. He said " That wouldn't happen to me mommy because Spiderman would save me.