I like laughing at people who've fallen (either physically, financially, socially or mentally). Won't you join me? I dabble in rough sex from behind (watch out!) and I enjoy a good tango. I pleasure myself by reading interesting, informative literature and then slowly crapping my pants. My unbridled wit knows no bounds. When I'm not riding my ponies along the shores of Rhode Island, you're likely to find me curled up on a couch being molested by my Uncle Jim, who finds my testicles the be "fantastic play things." I try to keep busy and in certain circles I'm known as a "Busy Bee," while in others I'm known for being a convicted sex offender and pedophile. Cheerio.
If you're not a sexy lady, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up. No, really. I like meeting all kinds of people. Perhaps you're the type of person who carries their feces with them in a jar--I'd love to meet you. I'm just that kind of guy. Try to be sexy about it though...just a little.I'd also like to travel back in time and suck on Thomas Jefferson's healthy balls. Did you know that TJ stands for Mr. Jefferson's pen name--Tiny Jugs, a name which he got after a crowd of horny teenage boys tore his shirt off and discovered his small man tits. In 1786 TJ published his first essay on masturbation entitled, "Oh, The Glory!" which was followed by his runaway hit, "My Penis Likes Your Anus" in 1788. The most fascinating part of TJ's life was a darker, more sinister side. Few people know this, but after spending countless hours in our National Archives here in DC, I discovered that TJ was head of a secret cult, Friends Of Bestiality, which he led with close friend and partner John Adams. Yes, it's true. After researching thousands of documents and checking (and double checking) my sources, I found that TJ had sex with over 200 horses in just 3 years and 400 cocks (roosters to you and me) in an amazing 6 month period. One source listed that he also engaged in procreation with 5 wild boars and that one of them gave birth to his first son, Peter Boar in 1790. Peter was unfortunately born with only 1 lung and a tiny penis and only lived to be 15. His classmates described Peter to be unusually slow-witted and sloppy. He looked like a pig crossed with a female squirrel and rumor has it that he was popular with the ladies of his time.
Wow, this is a tough one. I had to search through all my CDs, cassettes, and even old 45s for this one. My favorites would have to include the classic disco hit "Sweaty Twat" (1974) and its follow up "Meaty Twat" (1975) among others. When "Tall Glass of Titty Milk" was relased in 1984, guess who was first in line to buy it? I was, even though I was only 2 years old. That's how influential this song was on my generation. If you want to talk about today's music, I'm in favor of Georgio Gets Tea-bagged, a group out of Detroit, which blends smooth blues with gay funk. Expect to see a lot more of them in the future, possibly in your own music collection and fond memories. That's the deal.
I pride myself on being a movie buff. I've watched everything from the golden age of cinema up till today's bullshit like Harry Potter and the Rugrats (yes, the one with that bald fucker in a diaper). There have been so many excellent directors--true visionaries if you will--in the movie industry. I feel it's a shame that their work is tossed aside in favor of pre-pubescent English boys flying around on shiny broomsticks, servicing ogres and eating out flying monkeys or whatever those things are. I digress. Back to the subject at hand--my favorite movies. The 70s were a tumultuous decade. Remember all that cocaine? No? It's the reason I'm so maladjusted and have poor motor skills. Either way, one movie in particular comes to mind, a cinematic masterpiece which really captures the essence of the 70s. Since its release in 1983, it's captured the hearts of millions and is essential viewing for any movie buff or 70s aficionado. "Smell My Wet, Brown Diarrhea" is that movie. I won't give the plot away. Brilliant colors light up the silver screen in my next favorite, which shows you what happens when an old, horny, yet impotent, man teams up with a group of lesbo feminists. It stars Katharine Hepburn as the old impotent man, for which she won an oscar. The name of this movie? None other than "Blow on My Unwashed Pubes, Go Ahead" (1986). The last movie I'll tell you about is a more recent one. It examines the life of a struggling musician living in Chicago. It's a movie that's really in a league/genre of its own. The dialogue is truly captivating and real. I was on the edge of my seat for the entire 78 minutes. Set in the 1980s, "Farting on Your Face" (1994) is sure to please.
Seriously, I like Seinfeld and the Simpsons, the Daily Show and...not much else. I watch my fair share of TV. I'm not gonna bullshit my profile anymore.
My favorite book is "Once Upon a Cunt" by Marcy "Sticky Vagina" Williams. Another highly recommended book you'll find me raving about is the first book of the "Tight Anus, Tough Love" trilogy written (skillfully might I add) by David, a dwarf. Yes, David is a real live dwarf, folks. The most recent book I've read is "Dirty Douche Face." Yes, it's a classic, I know--you don't have to tell me twice (or cum on my new sweater either for that matter). For those of you unfamiliar with this novel (some would call it a novella), it takes place in rural Kentucky on the estate of P.J. Cocksworthy, a wealthy white farmer. He falls in love with a young deformed Asian boy and his one-eyed squirrel. Well, to make a long, sweet story short, hilarity and interracial golden shower love scenes ensue. For those of you who lean more towards historical literature, I might recommend "Penis Mouse."
When I was growing up in my small village I met a lot of characters, some memorable and some rather unsavory. My personal hero has to be a man named Waldo "the Dildo" Johnson, who showed me the real meaning of pain. He must have punctured something in my rectal region. I can still feel it today AKA I have a limp. Please, don't pity me. I can still feel his cold hands rubbing my hairless thighs.