Grant

I'm a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice with my bare hands. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row without eating. I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my backyard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. And critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. In baseball, I bat 400, and my deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small, moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read 'Paradise Lost,' 'Moby Dick,' and 'David Copperfield' in one day, and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item at our local supermarket, and I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week, and when I do, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in the Arizona desert, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I take part in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a hand-mixer and a toaster-oven. I breed prizewinning clams, and I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. performed open-heart surgery, and spoken with Elvis.