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Patrick

I am here for Friends

About Me


The Stuff
The Word: Steatopygiac- fat assed
The Movie Quote: "It's just an eye! ~300
The Quote: "Dude, if I ever start producing pornography, I want you to be my writer." Jonny D, and it would be an honor.
The Joke:An elderly woman goes to her doctor to get his advice on recharging her husband's libido.
"Well, how about Viagra?" says the doctor.
"No way," says the woman. "He'll never go for it."
"Just put it in his coffee," says the doctor. "He'll never notice."
Two weeks later, the woman returns, and the doctor asks how it went.
"Oh, it was horrible!" she says. "As soon as he sucked down the coffee, he had a bulge in his pants. He swept the coffee cups and saucers onto the floor, picked me up, put me on the table, and made love to me right there!"
"So the sex was bad?" asks the doctor.
"No, the sex was great. But we'll never be able to go to that Starbucks again."

My Interests


Writing comedy, fantasy, and horror; Copyediting and proofreading; Publishing; Mixed Martial Arts; Stand up comedy; Medieval history...I told you I'm a nerd.

Also, crushing my enemies, seeing them driven before me, and hearing the lamentations of their women. (OK, that last part is What Is Best In Life, by Conan the Barbarian, but that doesn't make it any less poignant.)

I'd like to meet:

Robert Heinlein, Stephen King, George RR Martin, Snake Ghandi (he's just like Regular Ghandi, except evil)

Music:

Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Marvin Gaye, Jurassic 5, Tupac, B.I.G.,Blitz, The Business, The Pist, Anti Heroes, Agnostic Front, Oxymoron, The Band, Cypress Hill, A Tribe Called Quest, Atmosphere, The Spinners, The Commodores, Rage Against the Machine, Face To Face, Bad Religion, Against Me!, Rise Against, The Distillers, Pennywise

Movies:

In no particular order...40-Year-Old Virgin, American Beauty, American History X, Anchorman, Apocalypse Now, The Aristocrats, Braveheart, The Breaks, Club Dread, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Dogma, Friday, Gladiator, Hero, Kill Bill, Lord of the Rings, Mean Girls, Natural Born Killers, The Princess Bride, Psycho, The Shining, Silence of the Lambs, Super Troopers, Tombstone, Toxic Avenger 4 (shamefully), Transformers: the Movie, Unforgiven, Warlock, Willow

Television:

Read a book , you retards!

But since my hypocrisy knows no bounds...The Wire, Rescue Me, Brotherhood, Dexter, Rome, Scrubs, documentaries about anything (especially animals eating other animals)

Books:

Lord of the Flies, A Song of Ice and Fire, Parable of the Sower, The Stand, Pet Semetary, Salem's Lot, Apt Pupil (I'd read Stephen King's grocery list if he wanted to publish it), Things Fall Apart, A Tale of Two Cities, Dracula, The Sparrow, Starship Troopers, Apocalypse Watch, The Dresden Files, 1984, Animal Farm

Lee Child, Henry Miller, Edgar Allen Poe, Jonathan Kellerman, Jeffrey Deaver, Jim Butcher, John LeCarre, George Orwell

Heroes:

Megatron, Skeletor, Cobra Commander, Mum-Ra, Gargamel, Ghandi. No, just kidding. I hate Ghandi.

My Blog

Bring Your Child To Work Day

Yesterday was Bring Your Child To Work Day at my office. Yeah, it was the funnest day ever. I got to help out with the games for the kids. I got all the kids together and played Make The Crappy Little...
Posted by Patrick on Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:00:00 PST

The Archives

You may remember the archives from when I had Stuff of the Week.  Basically, this is a place to store all the old Stuff, because I hate the idea of losing any of my brilliant awesometude*. Imagin...
Posted by Patrick on Thu, 20 Mar 2008 03:31:00 PST

Official FBI Business

I just found out something interesting: my grandfather is fucking nuts. Allow me to elaborate.I went to his house to help him set up his new, big-ass TV. I bang on the door, and he doesn’t answe...
Posted by Patrick on Fri, 08 Feb 2008 03:36:00 PST

Get it all the fuck out of here.

So, you may have noticed that there is new stuff. I've decided to overhaul the format. Right now, it's slimmer and trimmer. I'm trying to think of a joke and waiting for someone to say something funny...
Posted by Patrick on Mon, 04 Feb 2008 02:54:00 PST

Le Sigh

Robyn and I broke up on Sunday. Not my idea. I'm pretty crushed. She cited "lifestyle differences" and "different places in our lives". She's right and I know that, but the thing is, I never cared. Th...
Posted by Patrick on Thu, 17 Jan 2008 05:18:00 PST

When I insult someone...

I expect them to be insulted! I was smoking outside of a restraunt on Saturday when this nosy bitch who couldn't mind her own business came up to me and started blah blah blah-ing on about the evils o...
Posted by Patrick on Wed, 11 Jul 2007 04:50:00 PST

Holy shit! Old Stuff!

Word of the Week: Mendication- lying Jack Handy's Deep Thought of the Week: A man doesn't automatically earn my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. Movie Quote of the Week: "An...
Posted by Patrick on Sat, 23 Jun 2007 09:35:00 PST

I just had to laugh

So I was driving home from work today, stuck at a stop sign behind some fat idiot in a minivan, when I see a little kid really hauling ass up the street, running as fast as her stumpy little legs coul...
Posted by Patrick on Mon, 14 May 2007 02:40:00 PST

Mine to lose

It's official: A's in both my classes! I'm really proud of myself. I knew, I knew I could do this college thing, I know I'm smart enough, talented enough, but I just haven't in the past. I didn't have...
Posted by Patrick on Fri, 11 May 2007 05:23:00 PST

Stuff Of Whenever The Hell I Feel Like It

Word of the Week: Saprophyte- a bacteria or fungus that eats the dead Jack Handy's Deep Thought of the Week: It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see....
Posted by Patrick on Thu, 03 May 2007 02:46:00 PST