The Democratic Republic of Duff

By the decree of Duff the Ace, these laws are to be obeyed, or else.I. No dogs. II. The seventh day of the week is Duffday. III. Anyone visiting the democratic republic of Duff between the hours of 18:00 and 23:00 on a weekend or during any hours on a public holiday must dance across the border while singing the national anthem. IV. Anything labelled the property of Duff is the property of Duff. It is to be considered more important than anything and anyone else other than Duff himself and must be treated with care and respect. V. No Wigs. VI. Anyone who questions Duff is and idiot and will be punished. VII. No idiots. VIII. Duff is not an idiot. Anyone who says so is an idiot and will be punished. IX. Any sandwich made on a Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday or Duffday is to contain cheese. X. In the card game poker, the best hand is always the one held by Duff. XI. Duff is in charge. In Duffs absence The Microwave is to be consulted on urgent matters. Should The Microwave be unable to fulfil His duties the answers to urgent questions are to be pulled randomly from a hat. In the event of this system failing, The Democratic Republic of Duff should be burnt to the ground and all records of the Democratic Republic of Duff removed from history. Alternatively you can phone Duff in his absence. XII. Pointing out the irony in the name of the Democratic Republic of Duff is considered an act of war. XIII. Wednesday and Saturday are market trading times. Trade may only take place during these times unless otherwise declared by Duff.XIV. Citizens and visitors to the Democratic Republic of Duff have no human rights.XV. No moustaches unless accompanied by a beard.XVI. No man may wear womens clothes.XVII. All citizens must contribute to the maintenance of the Democratic Republic of Duff. Whether this be financial, in labour or in the form of dance.XVIII. Duff is the green Power Ranger. Anyone saying otherwise will be punished.XIX. You may not accessorise on Thursday or Duffday.XX. Duff must never contradict himself.XXI. Duff may contradict himself when ever he feels like it.XXII. No breathing unless strictly necessary.XXIII. No emotions, emotions make Duff angry.XXIV. Not being able to answer a dinosaur related question is a punishable offence.XXV. The maximum speed limit in the Democratic Republic of Duff is 3x10^8m/sXXVI. Invertebrates, with the exception of woodlice, spiders, millipedes, centipedes and crustaceans are the enemy of the Democratic Republic of Duff.XXVII. In his book, Jurassic Park, Michael Crichton accurately describes the events which took place in August 1989 on Isla Nublar off the coast of Costa Rica in the “InGen incident”. This account is entirely factual and correct, anyone denying that the “Ingen incident” took place is a traitor and enemy of the truth and the Democratic Republic of Duff.XXVIII. Every citizen must do thirty minutes training a week to prepare for the event of a dinosaur attack.XXIX. In the event of a dinosaur attack or drill it is the responsibility of each individual to carry out their own pre-assigned tasks. Failure to be prepared for and fulfil your duties will result in a serious punishment.XXX. The Jurassic Park films must be watched by all citizens as a point of reference. However it must be noted the films are not entirely factual and Jurassic Park III was a bit on the rubbish side.XXXI. All citizens once issued with a dinosaur handbook must carry it with them at all times. Citizens found without their hand books will be punished.XXXII. Duff is to be referred to as “Duff the Ace” or “Duff”. He is not to be called any derogatory name or term, especially not by Goody.XXXIII. All vehicles must explode upon collision when in the Democratic Republic of Duff. This includes electric vehicles, roller skates and bicycles.XXXIV. No smoking.XXXV. Salmon may not be eaten on a Tuesday unless brought into the Democratic Republic of Duff alive.XXXVI. Causing any form of flood damage to the democratic republic of Duff will not be tolerated.XXXVII. Duff is not to be confused.XXXVIII. No communists or liberals.XXXIX. No posters of communists or liberals.XL. No children.XLI. Every member of the Democratic Republic of Duff must arm themselves in case of the event of a dinosaur or communist attack.XLII. Failure to display the Democratic Republic of Duff flag in your home is considered treason.XLIII. Duffs grammer and speeling is always right#XLIV. The character “#” is called a shreddie and not anything else. It may represent any character or piece of punctu#tion.XLV. Any images of Duff must be saluted and the national anthem sung.XLVI. Any farm yard animal found in the democratic republic of Duff is automatical#y the property of Duff and is subject to law IV.XLVII. No organic produce.XLVIII. Duff must accept anyone’s challenge to a game of Connect 4. If they should emerge from the challenge victorious they may be excused from their thirty minutes training for that week. If the challenger should loose however they must perform a dance of woe and defeat.XLIX. Any damage done to the property of the Democratic Republic of Duff, Duff himself or images representing Duff and the Democratic Republic of Duff, including it’s flag, will be exiled for 30 minutes to think about what they have done.L. What Duff says goes.