obviously the names brigitte.
and...fuckin' shite i don't know!
....i love san marcos?
I LOVE BEER!!!!!
daaaaaamn... Now it's 100% hard work...goin' to school and makin' that money man.
some things i like are...
1. chillin & drinkin with friends
2. going to mexico
3. I LOOOVE traveling...i wanna go everywhere and do everything...(so far i got costa rica, mexico, spain, holland, france and portugal
4. grocery shopping with diana and ruthie
5. SNOWBOARDING
6. having long talks that last all night where you can just pour your little heart out
7. getting REAL mail
8. when people leave me long voicemails or messages or write long letters,etc.
9. helping people
10. driving with the windows down and the heater on with seat warmers and blasting music (oh i LOVE music)
11. going to the beach
12. reading a good book
13. visiting my family in New York
14. going to Disneyland or Six Flags
15. sleeping
16. cuddling
17. spending quality time with someone you REALLY care about
18. really really good food
19. going out
20. dressing up
21. writing
22. trying on clothes/shopping
23. reminiscing
24. waking up after a really good dream
25. smiling, laughing, being happy...
um yeah anyway.....
I hate...
1. DRAMA
2. people who make my friends cry
3. when my mom is sad
4. mean people
5. people who take other people for advantage
6. people who think they know everything and never shut up about it
7. unsanitariness
7. things that smell bad
8. being sick, tired, or in pain
9. waking up after a really great dream that seemed so real you were happy for the first five minutes after you woke up but then you realize it didn't really happen and you just get sad and depressed again
10. when a bunch of things all happen at once and it seems like everyone's just going against you trying to bring you down.
11. people who pretend to care about you when they don't or they're just using you for some stupid bullshite to make themselves feel more important
12. feeling like a complete and total failure...
I'm sick of being let down by false impressions, but i'm always happier when i realize that the best things in life are the things ive always had...like family... and friends that really are forever and do stick with you through everything... and its always nice to look back and remember and argue over whether it was when you were 13 or 14 or if it was august or july of fucking 1990-something, cuz now that seems so long ago, and it even feels good to hurt when someone else is hurting cuz on a higher level that means that you're connected and even though you may not understand completely, you still would do anything in your power to help them...and one of the best feelings may be being hugged and told that you were missed and knowing that it's sincere and feeling so good to be back in the place you always knew you could belong and then even when you do have to go you know you can come back whenever you want and even if it's not soon, you'll always be wanted and accepted...and i still can't decide if it's nearly heaven or nearly hell or maybe just in the middle...when you go back to what you did before even just for a day and you do it so well like if you had never stopped and it feels so wonderful until you realize that you're not that person anymore or that part... and you're not supposed to do that anymore and when you try to do what you do every day now it doesn't feel as right and you just wish you could go back in time and stay there forever...but you can't
and i think sometimes i get scared because i don't know what i want or what i'm supposed to do anymore and everyone's got their own ideas and i'm thinking about so many things at once that i can't concentrate and i feel like i'm not thinking at all but i really am and everything in my head is going a hundred miles an hour and no one gets it and i get so tired but i can't sleep cuz i can't stop thinking and i try to write it all out but it never comes fast enough and then i get so exhausted that i just pass out and wake up thinking about more shite and the cycle never ends.....
and then this happens. this shite that just blew me away. far away. this river overflowed and now i've got my very own ocean. haven't hurt so bad in a long time. so sick of losing the best things, and maybe it's my fault. maybe i'm so scared to have them, so afraid to lose them, i push them away. how stupid is that? that's not how i used to be. what the hell happened? and now i wake up every morning thinking i fixed everything and then i realize nope i didn't fix a damn thing cuz i don't know how and even if i tried i don't think it would work. and maybe that's the problem is that i haven't tried. but i've tried so many other times and it never seems to work and i guess maybe the reason i haven't tried this time is because i don't want it to work. but i can't see that actually being the case because i love him more than anything despite how hard i try not to. and maybe that's the worst part...i'm trying to go against what i feel and that's sinful in my eyes. what a hypocrite, ha? its funny though because this may be here but if you read it you do but 99% of everybody doesnt and i guess thats good. and i guess more than anything i just want to leave this place and never look back, and maybe that's what i'll do, and maybe that's why this happened, kind of like a shove in the direction i've been so scared to go in. but i still hate it, and i think i'll miss you forever
tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock
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