I am a dynamic figure. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have been known to remodel train stations, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. My floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. On Wednesday nights, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I breed prizewinning clams. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. The laws of physics do not apply to me. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
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The sense of humor is the only sense that makes the other senses worthwhile and the only sense that makes any sense to me.
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Noah takes down Daddy
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