No longer a matter of strictly personal interests in otherwise irreconcilable perspectives,viz.,
Cartesian solipsism (it is most convenient, in my culture, to believe in a "me"), Tao of Chuang Tzu (artificial homage to the concept of the inexplicable), Lyotardian post-modernism (homage to Nietzschean nihilism, Heideggerian metaphysics,Kantian metaphysics), Marxist religico-pathos (I just made that up), Sartrean uber-existentialism (way too much "freedom" vis a vis contemporaneous scientific determinisms), Captain Kangaroo (intentional appreciation for, and propagation of innocent absurdity), Pink Floyd (,) Mikhail Alexandrovich Bakunin (Vonnegut's go-to man), Marquis de Sade (de gustibus non est disputandum), Dada, Vodka, Wittgensteinian logic, Lewis Carroll, Lewis Black, Merriweather Lewis, Charles Darwin, Charles Fort, Daniel Dennett, J.K. Huysmanns, female psychology majors, e.e. cummings, Pre-Raphaelites, Ambrose Bierce, Democratic propaganda, Soviet propaganda, Shakespeare's ‘Hamlet,’ ethical relativism, mass murderers, residential topiary, serial killers, Sophocles, South Park, H. L. Mencken, Woob, Jean Baudrilliard, Dostoyevsky, Kitsch, Kafka, Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., Mr. Rosewater, the Marlboro Man, James Heller, John Milton, Satan, David Ignatow (please google him), Lynn Anderson (please google her), Pabst Blue Ribbon, Lucifer, Buddhism, Heideggerian nothingness, Bartheleme, Me...
I find that in myspace I have to actually answer other peoples questions, which I hadn't counted on.
Shit. I've lost the thread. Oh yeah...late-night-aesthetically-challenged-impromptu-backyar d-debaucheries (you know what im talking about) with fatuous, fragrant whores with artsy tramp-stamps; and all those approximately 3 a.m. pseudo-philosophic deliberations with the moving ceilings of cheap mid-western motel rooms with wagon-wheel chandeliers.
What am I saying?
I've no idea, and stopped caring 10 minutes ago.
Mostly, I talk in order to hear my head roar.
But to summerize - my personal degree of intellectual success has amounted to little more than having learned how to shit backwards up a brick wall, whilst holding a dead monkey in my hand.
Life's always fucking happening now!
And like many believers I too was told I needed a high school degree in order to succeed in life. Then I was told I needed a college degree in order to succeed in life.Are you feeling me?
Then I got both. So now, I'm not sure exactly what happened, but right now, I'm about two days and three drinks away from living among the shrubbery of an exit ramp off anywhere.
So putting two and two together, I'm pretty certain somebody lied to me. Naturally no one wants to claim their share of the responsibility in the fact that I'm fucked up. Thats o.k.. Guess what?
Neither will I. This alone makes me a dissident.
And if somedays I feel an almost primordial urge to stand upon your wife's back and piss warm urine into your morning cereal, at least have the christian decency, the mostly-universally-humanitarian-empathetic-resonanant-altrui stic impulse, to feel MY pain, you selfish son of a bitch.
But if you are someone who believes anything someone ever tells you (such as you have done whilst "in love"), you probably possess a very serious socio-cultural flaw anyway, and it will probably cost you either your soul, your innocence, your money, your sanity, your free apartment, and/or your music collection (perhaps even your life).
In any case, previous institutionally-programmed rationalizations (such as the aforementioned), and any residual concern over the utterly-ineffable (if not wildly incoherent) utterly-Platonic idealizations of what is actually meant by the words, god, love, justice, freedom, progressive evolution, the universalization of human empathy, truth,order, equality...
amounts to nothing less than a conspiracy of myths with which to tenuously support the institutional pretentions of the very civilization in which you distractedly perambulate daily.
Does Fate = disposition?
Or are we compelled to behave in accord with the determinisms of hormonal influences beyond our immediate, viz., real-time comprehension; beyond the forces of NATURE more powerful than those in control of our plastic fruit production lines.
Now I don't care to be counted among "god's chosen" anymore than I would want to be a robot, a starfish, or wood rot.
But I am currently experiencing some cognitive dissonance between these questions.
I still have much to learn about the world.
Hahahahaha!
But after several years of 'higher-education,' and a few hands-on, mildly-remarkable decades of 'real life,' I find I am now somewhat somewhere between being...
a). less knowledgeable than I've ever possibly been, or
b). more knowledgeable than I ever wanted to be.
But then, Solomon and Socrates had the same problem.
I shall never accept complete responsibility for whatever I was in the past, what I am now, nor what I shall ever become, ever.
I'm faster than light, and harder.
I believe the presumption of "free Will" is the fundamental lie; the most insidious of delusions we live/love/are programmed to believe permitting us to pretend in an individual ego which can never be actualized, substantiated (a common practice among Cartesian occidentalists); allows us to believe that self-interest is the first principle; its the first principle of Capitalism too.
But the whole world cannot afford my adopting this principle.
I am innocuous, for now. Incubating. I've no longer the capacity to believe in anything at all, and have even come to envy those who can.
I'm a long way from the Garden of Eden.
People like me play with dead hookers.
.
What I've learned in college has only confirmed the suspicions about life I'd already had by the time I was seven years old, to wit:
that the so-called 'real' world has no foreseeable deficiency of fiction in it since most people are still (inexplicably) religious, and that despite the dubious benefits of religion, revolting acts of inhumanity are still being committed, here on Earth, one against another, even as we speak, by religious people, and that apparently such acts are always-already contemporaneous, if not ubiquitous, even in this our beloved ‘information age‘;
that the mind-numbing absurdity of a nation's political necessity, and/or actual ability, to obliterate another nation's existence with the threat of nuclear bombs (thereby subjecting its own people to the historic inevitability of a future retaliation in-kind) has become so psychologically debilitating as to render us all irremediably traumatized, terrorized and paranoid;
that many people still like to have sex with children, horses, siblings, house pets, corpses, and appliances, and apparently cannot stop themselves;
that various organic, as well as culturally-systemic determinants are forever plausible as explanations of all of the above-mentioned behaviors, despite the fact that most people still feel a need to cling to the myth of 'free will';
add to these the veritable filth parade of other really-fucking-tedious day to day bureaucratic perturbations along one's daily trajectory;
and of course the hours upon hours of soul crushing ennui and loneliness...all of these ‘realities’ have conspired to render me inextricably cynical and permanently celibate. But wait...
And then one fine day (tweet! tweet!) to suddenly realize, as it were, by way of a stupifying epiphany - that no one here has ever really known what in the HELL is going on in this world anyway - despite their historical fame, despite their world-shaking ambitions, despite their hereditary prestige, their ostentatious displays of egoism, their claims of (or assumptions to) exclusive wisdom, superior intelligence, stunning beauty, despite their irrational, annoying, and masochistic attempts to achieve divinity,
I came to one hardly-refutable conclusion, to wit...
Every single one of you is a God-damned liar.
And many of you even lie about lying.
If anyone were ever really fucking honest with themselves, which they aren't, they'd be able to tell you that they do not always want the "Truth." Sometimes, Truth is about as disturbing a prospect as a two-legged horse.
Now to some extent the theories of buddhism, taoism, existentialism, anarchism, nihilism, and zen recognize the validity of such ontological experiences/perspectives, and they each provide a slight degree of agreement, at least, with my own experiential accumulations. They each tend to embrace the pathologies of absurdity.
In any case, 'higher education' has not only consistently validated my initial intuition, my personal accumulation of experiential data, and my innate skepticism, it has also given me doggy-treats for asking questions about ideas I already knew they didn't have the answers to.
(o.k., ending sentences in prepositions is really bad, i know, but this is conversational is it not? and not using a shift key is lazy, even though it worked for e.e. cummings. and then, my 'teachers' have never agreed about where i should place my fucking commas either. and god help you if you are prone to neologisms...like Shakespeare).
In brief, the experts of knowledge rewarded me for having already learnt most of the things there are to learn about life before i ever went to college.
I still owe them about 40k for NOT telling me anything I didn't already know, but I'm being ungrateful. they did send me a crisp, official-looking piece of paper I can either fold into an origami pterodactyl, or hang around my fucking neck as a symbol of systemic failure, whilst standing in the rain, on an exit ramp somewhere in Utah, begging for beer money, or a Whammy Burger.
I'm told I've become quiet annoying, reckless, irresponsible, and innocuously socio-pathic. Admittedly, I have become irredeemably disillusioned by practically every social, cultural and institutional situation in which I have ever participated, namely
family (or, in my case, social services), education ('shoot the turkey, win a free ring tone'), religion (for those who still need to believe in fictions that forever prevent societal evolution), love (a biologically-based human desire having to do with the selfish-consumerist appropriation of everything from sex to greasy cheeseburgers), marriage (see 'religion'), justice (a popular euphemism for, 'revenge'), capitalism (a highly-venerated, yet inherently cynical socio-economic ideology the basic principles of which are certain to prevent further progress in any theory of societal and humanitarian evolution. its argument always comes down to, 'hey! this is the best we have,' and it makes me want to wash my hands), sex (a glorified toilet habit in which washing hands is remarkably optional), truth (the search for which is more apparent than real).
But now, for all you young, booger-flipping, hamster-headed, vanilla pudding-shitting believers out there who think you know something about life that the rest of us don't, here's another helpful hint for living:
the 'truth,' the 'forbidden knowledge,' as it were, that all your pip-squeak religionists, all your 'secret societies,' all your conspiracy theorists, all your fat, gas-guzzling, liberal-elitist, owl-hugging P.C. police, all your goddamn uppity economically-privileged, selfish, self-righteous/hypocritical, ass-munching, 'conservative' sex clowns out there, and the 'truth' to which any fucking body else who claims to have an exclusive/elitist relation, or favored status with some almighty sky-daddy,
here's what I have to say...
Make A Bunch Of Shit Up!
So I suppose the only thing left for us to do, little buddy, is to put on giant plaster duck heads and walk around pretending the whole world is one big fucking Disneyland. Stop working, stop fucking like minks, stop making sense, stop driving (in any case), and make a vow to do everything fortune cookies tell you to for the rest of your life.
On a personal note, my remaining goals in life are simple - avoid responsibility as though it were herpes, maintain a functional level of alcoholism, ignore my school loans, try not to ‘climb the tower,’ ignore the little man (who lives behind my refrigerator) who tells me to hunt down and methodically torture every cocksucker I've ever trusted, and waste what little money i have left on lottos, tattoos and cheap whores and...
eventually get a 9-5 at Home Depot - before they no longer accept applications from people with the odd desire to set fire to lumber departments.
And if the realization of these modest aspirations fails to materialize, I intend to 'go out' like the typical post-mod vigilante/villain,
that is, mad as hell, draped in the american flag, and towing some kind of hydraulic device behind my car that sprays a steady stream of LIQUIDY SHIT, from one end of suburbia to the next, until the authorities shoot me down in the street like the mongrel pestilence I am.
People like me are a threat to the systemic integrity of a culture and society built mostly upon BULLSHIT.
I am telling you this now so that in the future you will not be inordinately shocked, dismayed, disarrayed, or otherwise cerebrally-debilitated by the inconvenience of further cognitive dissonances whilst stumbling around your lives like traumatized bovine, mumbling ridiculous questions like,
"Honey, why is that man playing golf with our Irish Setter's head on his lawn?"
The answer is unambiguous, to wit,