Hell Raisin - ProfilesArchive

About Me

How I made my profile:
I used MyWackoSpace.com 's amazing MySpace Editor .I don't like people knowing too much about me, so let me tell you about my favorite person in high school, Stephie Murgatroyd. Stephie was in my PE class, and given her formidable stature, Stephie was pretty much genetically ensured a future as a cannonballer in the roller derby. (Yes, I was alive for the fading days of that fine sport.) Big, dark, and bad ass as she appeared, Stephie had these soft blue eyes, and her voice sounded tiny and distant, like it was actually coming out of a tiny tulip somewhere. I was her Horton, I heard her "who". Nobody else in my PE class noticed her until the day we were called upon to perform a gymnastics routine that we'd been required to pull out of our asses some time before. The blue mats had been hauled out, and one by one we flopped and floundered, emerging with static in our hair and shorts bunched up in most unbecoming ways. Stephie, though, not only opted to do an unheard-of 2 routines, but she'd also brought along her own musical accompaniment. She tumbled and pranced (PRANCED, twisting at the waist, staccato clapping on the off-beats) to the theme song to Magnum P.I. (Ever heard that song? It's so fucking early eighties, it'll give you a cold sore.) Oblivious to the derisive giggles and snorts provoked by her performance, Stephie put another 45 on the turntable, stood up to the edge of the blue mat and bowed her head. As the opening piano notes of Styx's "Babe" delicately danced over the gym, she lifted her head slowly and kicked off her encore with a PIROUETTE. All 6 feet of her, swanning and swooning across the nasty blue mats, as "Babe" blared from cracked speakers. She was appallingly beautiful.
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My Interests

I'd like to meet:

Whoever gave hipster dudes permission to wear women's pants. My dear sir or madame, you are a comedic genius and I want to shake your hand!

My Blog

A Giftmas (TM) Moment

This is the season of giving, a time to sum up your most significant relationships, factor in your varying rate of interest in these relationships, carry the one, and cha-ching! Merry Giftma...
Posted by on Mon, 24 Dec 2007 15:13:00 GMT

Smurfin 4 Jesus!

You're in the hospital, who on your top 4 comes to visit you? Well, one's in Colorado, one's in Paris, one's in Michigan, and the last one is 2 years old. I guess we'll all hang at the funeral...
Posted by on Mon, 05 Nov 2007 02:22:00 GMT

Word Up!

Like a lot of people who wear glasses and listen to NPR, I like words. Big words, hard to say words, hard to hear words. Words that make people in NASCAR jackets want to punch me hard.&nbs...
Posted by on Sat, 03 Nov 2007 16:47:00 GMT

An inconveniently truthful makeover

I'm reposting this blog in honor of Al Gore's recent Nobel Prize victory. (Not bad for a tool, eh, Meister?) God bless Al Gore. Remember Al Gore? For a few brief minutes in ...
Posted by on Fri, 12 Oct 2007 02:27:00 GMT

Fagbug

On April 18 a VW Bug belonging to college student Erin Davies was vandalized with spray-painted retardoisms "fAg" and "u r gay". It is unknown at this date who perpetrated this low-grade hate c...
Posted by on Fri, 04 May 2007 08:32:00 GMT

My heroes have always been cowboys...freakishly tall Chinese cowboys

Meet Bao Xishun. He's 7 feet, 9 inches tall. He works as a "herdsman" in China, a vocation that I've decided is the Asian equivalent of "cowboy". As you can see from the picture above, it...
Posted by on Wed, 04 Apr 2007 09:08:00 GMT

Uncompromising Movie Magic

Recently my mother-in-law gave me a DVD camcorder (another birthday gift) and strict instructions to "make magic". This "magic" project has been bouncing around in development for days now becau...
Posted by on Tue, 20 Mar 2007 08:52:00 GMT

First Annual Pisces Birthday Fiesta Gala Wingding

Hello, my babies, and welcome to my first annual Pisces Birthday Fiesta Gala Wingding! Celebrating all those who share my astrological destiny and disposition, the guests of honor are ...
Posted by on Sat, 10 Mar 2007 09:30:00 GMT

Literalist Giraffe

In a nice gentrified boutique district not far from where I live there stands a sculpture. Towering on a foundation of 4 spindly metal legs, this sculpture is something of a ten foot tower...
Posted by on Wed, 28 Feb 2007 18:49:00 GMT

An Inconveniently Truthful Makeover

I'm reposting this blog in honor of Al Gore's recent Nobel Prize victory. (Not bad for a tool, eh, Meister?) God bless Al Gore. Remember Al Gore? For a few brief minutes in th...
Posted by on Tue, 27 Feb 2007 01:54:00 GMT