Billy the Kid

Just decided what I'm going to do when I win the $100,000,000.00 Powerball, first I'm going to make a generous contribution to charity, because that's the kind of good soul that I am! And with the other $99,999,995.00 I'm going to buy a jet and chase happy hour around the globe! ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ Wanna get the party started at your next beach get together? throw a hand full of shot gun shells in the fire (remove the pellets, leave the primer, then seal the end back up)! ***Hint***** it's more funnier if you do it at night when it's cold! All converstaion will stop, and the initial look on everyone's face sitting around the fire will be that of disbelief! the funny part comes when people flip over in their chairs, and those sitting on the ground run backwards away frm the fire for the first couple of feet using their butts! ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ I'm not a violent person, but I sure would like to smack the livin snot out of that those fellas on those GPS commercials, you know ones where they repeat the names of the folks they're riding with in the car .... "Sue Sue should I turn here? Sue Sue , I think we're lost!" .... yep I'd have to tell them "You call me Bill Bill one more time, then you leave me no choice but to smack smack the crap crap out of ya!" .... am I the only one? come on gimme some feedback?___________________________________________________ ____________________________________________ I just read something that touched my heart and in a way I have never felt before! I thought I'd share it with my friends it goes something like this ... "If I had a choice between breathing or loving you, then I would spend my last breath saying I love you" ..... I know I feel it to .... Is that not the best dang line to use to get some gal's clothes off?? come on ... gimme some feedback:) ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ ATTENTION/ATTENCION/ACHTUNG ....I'm here to hang out, have fun, vent, brag, and lie if I feel like it (well look what I listed as my occupation)? I'll chat with anyone, BUT if you're gay don't get your hopes up, as my buddy Dave says "My door does not swing that way!" ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ Things I have learned in my 39 years on this earth.... a steering wheel does not work while the boat is airborne (thank you Burt Reynolds ) and I suspect that may be the the same case for an automobile? And Amway is ..... hmmmm ....... how should i say this ? .... for suckers! wanna get rich quick scheme .... go to College! Natural male enhancement consist of brushing your teeth and at least a four minute shower, and if she doesn't dig you after that, then just kick her out and get another one, I'm all factory equipment. ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ Also ....... if I do accept you as a friend and you are a male, please do not leave the comment "Just stopping by to show some love" That worries me and makes me sleep with the lights on??? ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ Okay why do women all ask the same question at some point in a relationship "What ....... do you think I'm stupid?" The answer will always be no, ... unless it involves my car and a wreck. ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ I once caught a 24 hour case of the dumbass and almost voted Democrat, thank the lord my buddies were there (yep, I know I'll catch it from some of you over that one, it's cool if you swing that way:) And there's no hope for Tom Cruise , .... his case is terminal ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ The best way to deal with a problem is to pretend it doesn't exist! This also works for a stack of bills. ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ I'm gonna trade my used car in for a pre-owned one! ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ What's my biggest fear you ask??? Hmmmm, my buddies getting me plowed and talking me into playing freeze tag in a pit of alligators! Yes..... it has almost happen ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ Are you having a bad day, feeling down? This will fix it ....... Go look in the bathroom mirror and say the word SPACKLE out loud really fast until you smile, I can't make it past three:) ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ Please familiarize yourself with the emergency exit nearest you while visiting, and in the event of chat room depressurization a mask will drop from the ceiling, administer oxygen first to yourself........ and screw the guy next to you, he's a goner! (Yeah I know that's stupid, but guess what?? this is my space and I felt like writing it. ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ Hmmmm, let's see.... Well I'm pretty much perfect. Wait on my women hand and foot, drive a BMW Z4, have a Collie named Lassie, cleared 1.5 million after taxes last year, do charity work for homeless kids, have a voice like Elvis, and I have a degree from Bullshitsky U. ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ Things that turn me off, the words work and Billy in the same sentence. ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ I've had to explain this to my buddy Artty several times, but his slang kills me, I don't have a "Crib" and haven't been in one since I was 2, "Chillin" is something I do during the winter, and I'm still not exactly sure what "True that!" means and I think it would stop all conversation around the campfire if I were to use it! But I still dig ya Artty. ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ Hey..... what's three inches high, green and red, and moves a hundred miles an hour?? No ......... really, I'm curious because one hauled ass across my living room the other night?? .........I had to sleep with the lights on! ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ I was a hitman at one time then I got fired, try collecting unemployment after that??? ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ My friend Jess is a love child and has tried to convince me the world is one big family, so Jess if you're reading this, I agree, but there are still a couple of cousins I'd like to see get whacked! ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ I'm gonna be a cowboy when I grow up! ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ Why can't we just pay the cops on the spot like you do the nice policemen down in Mexico?_____________________________________________________ _________________________________________ The answer is NO, If Jack helped me off the horse, I in turn would not help Jack off the horse ............. sorry Jack! ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________ My girlfriend sucks .................. and I thank my lucky stars:) ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ I find that Vodka makes me more productive, and that when a girl wants to set you up with a friend and she says "She's nice" that it is a code phrase for homely. ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ I think that guys who drive the new VW bugs are not quite like the other kids? Just go ahead and tattoo a flame on your forehead. ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ I'm confused by the fact that partly sunny and mostly cloudy aren't the same thing? ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ I can't understand why women wake you up to talk about "Us" at 3 in the morning during the middle of the week?_______________________________________________________ ________________________________________ I can't understand why women think they can trip you up by asking "Are you lying to me?"..... duh ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ Eating coconut anything will make me swell up like a tick ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ I wish I had a paintball gun to peg rude people in the forehead ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ I've been asked if I would give half of my money up to fight world hunger if I won the powerball, my answer is.....hell no! I'm gonna buy something cool, like a submarine, or a big ass house with a pool and disco ball in every room. ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ I'm one of those weird guys who doesn't mind being felt up by a good looking gal after I've had to much to drink in a bar, no....... really, try me? ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ I made the mistake of telling my buddies I met a gay midget in a bar in Charlotte, and now I regret it, I'll never live that one down! And for the record I repeat "I did not have sexual relations with that midget!" They must have made me homophobic, I just realized this is the third time I've mentioned gay on here??______________________________________________________ _________________________________________ I will not exchange nude pictures and porn over the net,.......unless you're Pam Anderson, so Pam if you're reading this go ahead and send them, I'm cool with it. ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ If you"re looking for a sugar daddy, then consider me to be a diet coke variety kind of fella. ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ I dig stupid people, they're funny. ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ One gal I was chatting with asked me how I felt about swingers, my reaction was "huh". "really". "how do you feel about it?", " Does the other guy have to be there if I can find a girlfriend who does that", "Will there be free food?", so anyway I'm still out on that question since I didn't get a response....how rude! ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ Yes, I have a tattoo, When I came to it was just there? ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ If you don't like people who just start singing or whistling when they are walking through the mall, then you probably wouldn't like me. ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________ Well I guess that sums me up