lalala!
F irstly, id like to say that although alot of my page contains alot of teen angst, im a very very happy person. eeeeeeeeeeeeee! :)Hewo, my name is Mister Steve and i have hobbies and interests pretty much like everyone does. I love music, getting drunky and such and such. I could possibly list all the bands i like but i generally can listen to anything, as long as it isnt an irish love song like Foster and Allen. Icky. Placebo are definatly worth mentioning though, as they rock my socks hehe. I also play guitar and sing, write music and poems, eat lots of yummy food and hug my awesome troll called rocky. eep! Intro over, im bored of talking to myself so message me maybe so i can actually type something that isnt random gibber. peep!
Hmm, something else you should know about me i guess. I have an ickle condition called M.E. which pretty much sucks. If you really want to understand why i forget things, am tired all the time, and why im so skinny look it up. woo.
Some things i like to remember:
- Everything is beautiful.
- Always try again.
- Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.
- Things take time.
- Chocolate is awesome.
- Anything is possible.
- Playing the game sucks.
- Honesty gets me into trouble.
- Some people are naturally mean, ignore them.
- Girls dont make any sense, but are worth the hassle.
- Love waits.
- Without love, breath is just a clock ticking.
- Life is pretty pointless so be happy about it.
- There's no point in being rich if you have to work too hard.
- Going for a pee when you really need it is the complete definition of
relief, hehe.x
Most important one i reckon though is to: - Be Yourself! I started work at Revolution recently, so im packed with trying to remember cocktail lists and vodka flavours. I also live in a shitty house at the mo which pisses me off, really really bad. But, moving soon so i can piss on it all i like. Rar for moving on. My current pursuit is to try and make myself happy, i think im moving in the right direction moving out and getting wrecked all the time etc. Its pretty rock to get drunk then go to work, sleep and repeat. Stuff and yeah, well yeah in fact. peep. Actually, seeing that written down makes me question the progress im making, but hey. hehe.
My msn is [email protected] if you wana chat instead. Just message me to let me know first as otherwise i wont know who you are! eep.x
Fuck the world. :(
Ashtray Heart's Poems
Alas. Emotional creativity is only acceptable when conceieved by females. Also contrary to what is written below it may be hinted that love exists. It doesnt."Apparantly Awake, Yet Not Actually Apparant."
Alternation dissasembling many species of mirth before.
Subjects dividing through lack of congestion, peering souls.
I think the words i was trying to articulate at birth were:
"Sixteen years later after this your production wont end well at all"
Abstracted senses colliding,
henceforth apparently misjudging direction.
Hell bent feelings, trashing meanings,
sincerely crashing toward your attention.
Safely avoided, unwittingly destroyed this
amazing perplexing fragment of myself.
Lately annoyed and bitterly removed,
adding parts that could not sustain my good health.
Not there before but here none-the-less,
something possibly arranged by above,
reading into words, that speak in my head,
perhaps trying to preach many sentences of love.
A distraction contained in one place alone,
feeding memories, created from your essence.
Intrusive doors close, shattered windows then repair,
thieving all that they can present. Unaware.
A repent marked by your station.
Hesitation sparked by yourself.
Sedulous decantings of hope you're creating
apparant toward you whether or not this is so.
Unknown readings felt in any situation
appearing to me slight fractions at all? No.
It seems yet again the same trap catches,
And out of it hatches yet more stone.
I'm alone.
"November 9th"
With the beating of existance,
This un-natural bliss.
Only aiding my desires,
From the hope you dismiss.
Procure me a feeling,
Let me breathe in your awe.
Expelling my own breath,
So you can breath once more.
If love is just a feeling,
And the pretence is this.
Come closer my lady,
My sweet little miss.
In my understanding,
I'll see forever more.
For you are my eyesight,
And the one i adore.
"Jayney"
If i could take an object,
And examine it to an extent.
I would be trying far too hard
to compare it to your entirity.
Completeness and perfection,
No more could be possible.
If i tried to compare;
further words would cease to comprehend.
The beginning and the end,
The process towards the result.
A moving frame that sits perfectly still,
No tangent could possibly insult.
Bring it back to me,
Bring me the world.
You are what others cannot see,
You are all that really should be.
"Oki Dokey"
I wander in blindly,
my eyes unable to see.
After pacing a short distance
you appear in front of me.
I look without looking,
and try to hide my physical profile.
Yet still you catch me out
with a look thats completely docile.
With ever more exchanging glances
and occasional brushing past,
Eventually we engage conversation,
nothing revealed and nothing asked.
I end up speaking in my head
and asking such a simple question.
Why is this beautiful lady
giving me her divine attention?
Passing of time and a random occurrance
prompts us to another location,
Walking side by side and chatting,
begging to compliment,
no i must be patient.
Arriving at Kambar,
feeling more sober
and less confident in myself overall,
How can i be around someone so perfect
when my imperfections stand out so plain and so tall?
A tour of the place soon calmed my nerves
and soon we were dancing,
getting too close to observe,
Our lips draw closer by the second
yet theres nothing i think i can will myself to deserve.
Suddenly we meet and a feeling booms around,
its probably just the beat of a song.
Not really too sure what im doing here right now,
i sure as hell do not belong.
Time to leave unfortunatly,
so you ask me for my number.
How awesome i think,
but i can never remember what the hell it is.
Hang on, ill grab it on my phone, woo..
There ya go, so yeh, you'll text me tomorrow?
You're getting credit to do that huh?
Oki dokey.
You didnt do that huh?
Oki kokey.
You'll blank me forever
because you actually have a guy?
Okki dokki.
Lead me on, do what you will,
Nothing could change the fact
that i thought you WERE brill.
Oki dokey miss.
Oh K......
"The Bottom Of My Heart"
You know there may be plenty of fish in the sea,
But I still cant find one that likes me for me.
Its the "he's hot and im not" scenario thats been playing me false,
Im truely and deeply sorry that I make you feel repulsed.
I awake regrettably and another day passes, my isolation grows,
Yet still im the one asking "be mine", because it shows
Im really nothing to you, just a fictional character,
Is it all in my head? Are you truely an actor
Just leading me on with a false sense of hope?
I wish I were naive, perhaps then I could cope
And not give a damn, not care and be content,
Where am i going wrong? Where am i being sent?
For i did not mean harm, and i regret every mistake,
If you do not wish to relate then please undo what you create...
..On a side note however, perhaps you're not in the wrong,
I didnt ask to be here, I appeared and soon ill be gone.
Away from the lack of meaning, The hatred spawned from difference,
Away from the rejection, Away from my bloody relations.
Oh and did i mention ill be far from you too,
But its likely you wont notice, you're too busy with you.
Ill leave you with this thought though, may these words give you healing,
"Please dont ignore me when i tell you what i'm feeling"
"Situation"
A still framed picture,
An unforeseen event,
A blissful aquisition,
An action i resent.
A biting converstation,
An awful tragic mess,
A stressfull sad frustration,
A terrible mistake confessed.
Useless feelings brewing,
No longer able to contain,
No longer could i stew them,
No longer could i refrain.
The love perhaps peculiar,
Where sweet red hearts reside,
The love unheard of earlier,
Where ears should now confide.
Projected towards your direction,
Sadly repelled by selection,
Promptly undue with perfection,
Chasing after your reflection.
End of game; The story ends,
Clear to me, I dont reccomend.
Emotional trickery, love is pretend,
Next time i emote i shant attend.
"Fake"
If this one last time history repeats itself again,
Ill be forced to live the rest my life no longer able to pretend,
That im worth my weight in gold, im probably as heavy as a feather,
The truth that i now realise is we'll never be together.
Although forever id secretly hope that eventually things would work,
Reality ensues that of course you dont care and project everything but,
A care deep down, an imagined thought, something im unable to express.
Disregarded items, thrown away past times, so cheaply you confess.
Im a mess,
im distressed,
im a secret you've blessed,
You supress,
with success
stopping all progress.
A shame.
Would you do me a favour and perhaps just be real?
Train my heart to think, say and remember what i need to feel.
See ive never had the opportunity, to breathe alone in your wake.
Its a tragic messy mishap that i make the same mistake.
You're a fake.
"End"
No more poems,
An end to a small part.
Never truly knowing,
Relationships could never start..
..Through the act of love alone,
Desire simply not enough,
Needing perfect formed figures,
To replace all parts that dont have stuff.
I give you all i can,
And its as if you require more.
Perhaps in being half a man,
I should never seek and ask you for...
..The same love i give to you,
Returned without any question,
Sincerely without prompt discretion,
Un-aided by all fear of protection.
Sorely passed by your direction,
Saving patients with affection,
Chasing makers who destroy religion,
Reasons to live another day dissolve.
Where is it you come from,
Inside the absence of my mind?
Because im sure im the only one who could dream up;
A lady so horrible and un-kind.
These silly things ive written;
Are an adenda to un-happyness not love,
As every time when love is expressed;
You never end up with what you were thinking of.
"Simple"
Normal to meet with incoherance,
Strange to speak without an appearance.
Hesitations holding back simplicity,
Beginnings becoming an end too quickly.
Fractions forever taking me aside,
Never could i keep something i hide.
Yet inside you keep everything contained,
Practiced fronts with emotions refrained.
Beauty should always be natural,
Instead when forced its never actual.
Perhaps a reality never meant to happen,
Shamefully predictable moments meet your cackle.
Forever behind a rock you call love,
True meanings of this tell sentences of,
Tragedies you cant get through alone,
When opportunity arises you never take the bone.
Distant voices scream softly at me,
Telling tales of ache and sombre.
Stagnant choices dream often through seas,
Yelling pails of shame and hunger.
I used to think you were afraid of death,
But being alive is actually something you fear.
Its definatly something bad for my health,
To think that one day i can have you near.
"Desk"
Scratched, beaten and aged,
An object useful for junk.
Patched, un-even and decayed,
A platform supporting my work.
Dirty, marked and faded,
By means of stature unknown.
Containers parked and shaded,
Items hidden, invisible, deep down.
I spend time resting palms,
Extending fresh thoughts into,
Remembering various different parts,
Forgetting important things i do.
Such uses taken for granted,
Always questions still ask this,
If me and this were parted,
Would my thoughts here even exist?
"Dating Kate"
Standing in crowds,
Thoughts full of silence,
Peering through shrouds,
Behind statues im hiding.
Wandering around,
Tracing steps you created,
Making no sound;
Nothing renowned unless stated.
All outdated thoughts,
Continue crashing into one,
Forming perfect beating shapes,
Something brighter than the sun.
I bump into an image,
A small fraction of your bliss,
A distant frame i used to live in
Something never easily dismissed.
Kisses dancing through the midnight,
Seamless beuaty forever appearing,
Dissapearing from my memory,
Perhaps never existing at all.
I wonder sometimes how forever,
Frequently you're always there,
Without being there at all,
Simply blissfully un-aware.
"Twenty One"
Gazing into the distance,
Staring blankly at the absence.
Looking toward directions,
Anywhere but something transparent.
Specific locations bleating,
Mind sets crashing and repeating.
Cheating meetings and retreating
till all emotions deleted.
Forward thinking locked,
A product from a thought of you.
A thought that i could never undo,
A thought that gets me through.
Perception chosen directly,
Toward your attraction madly.
Unto my retraction sadly,
Frankly never satisfied.
On my part i apologise,
As i can never realise,
How to acquire the eyes that see,
When you are there in front of me.
"Me All Over"
Its interesting how a word can be taken,
In such a fashion thats completely mistaken.
As if i was telling you i loved you,
A part of me adoring you.
Not that that would be far from the truth,
Its apparant you assume otherwise.
Can i not express friendship in this form?
A sentence elaborated into something you ignore.
I wonder how its possible that i write these words,
And you change them to a thing you think you deserve.
Youre more than that, i tell no jokes,
Just believe for one second you like yourself.
As thats the first step to accept that someone can like you.
As I do.
Even with the confusion you put me through.
Would it be ironic to say i love you?
It would. As im like that.
At least im honest.
"Familiarity"
Lets just be friends,
A line i hear too often.
The softening of my mettle,
From a flower that sheds its petals.
Whether it bothers me anymore depends,
Its something so familiar,
Something i cant comprehend.
A situation so incredibly peculiar.
I finally find you and yet you dissapear,
I suppose youre just another line tallied.
The depths of my bemusement
sadly paint entire cities like rain.
Again its something mis-understood,
And many words from me will say.
Why do i bother giving anyone my time,
When they cant even give me their heart for a day?
"Lies?"
Sometimes the time we spend together is in silence,
When this happens my heart takes over pounding in morse code,
Spelling out the three words that often give a death sentence.
In this case im hoping thats not true.
However you dont know me all that well,
And i know you the same.
Yet I feel like ive known you for an amount of time i cant write down.
The number is too great.
And furthermore a number couldnt compare time spent with you.
As sometimes there are more than sixty minutes in one hour.
But more is true that there are less.
There is never enough time.
When we are apart I constantly worry that you are just fantasy.
As its certain to me ive been waiting for you entirely.
I kick myself I actually know you.
You're just beautiful.
We speak through messages and words written down.
Hence when we meet there is no sound. :(
Honesty keeps you alone :(
Ashtray Heart's Pictures
Im just gonna shove funny pictures here.. Well, funny to moi anyways honey.x