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I hold these truth to be self evident that my name is KaleoLani Makaleo San Nicolas Reyes in Hawaiian but Kevin James John (Confirmation name) San Nicolas Reyes. Among these truth is I am a Hard-Of-Hearing male... now lets back this up a little bit... to all you damn stereotypers... just because we are deaf or hard-of-hearing doesn't mean we can't do anything worth doing... I am one out of ONLY two student who attended the National Technical Institute for the Deaf at Rochester Institute of Technology in Rochester, New York to be directly accepted and admitted into RIT College of Liberal Arts. I am currently majoring in Criminal Justice with a minor in Criminal Psychology and a concentration on Secondary Education... So don't mess with me...******************************************************* ************************They say a historian is a prophet looking backwards... so I will speak of my past, my present, and forget the damn future because it didn't happen yet... I was born and raised on the Island of Guam... Land of the brave and home of the free... (Seriously... it is!) Chamorro strength baby! Whooo! I was raised all my life by a single mother (Salome SN Reyes) and I don't give a fuck about my father who fucken left the family when I was 3 years old... Wish he was fucken dead... he deserves it! I have 3 older brothers (Mark Steven and Jacob Ray) and one oldest sister (Cindy Jean) who passed away at a young age even before my oldest brother was born.******************************************************* ************************I am a Lanchero, a voyager, a gecko, a tiger, and a fucken scropio... all combined into one... my holy fucked up trinity... I'm gothic... Was before, now I am... Back to my old shit... and I don't give a damn what others say... Life isn't about finding yourself, its about creating yourself. Just think for yourself and don't fucken judge others and let others enjoy the privilege to do so too. People may forget what you say to them, people may forget what you do to them, but people never forget how you make them feel, or so I have learned... and experienced otherwise...************************************************ *******************************You know, I came to understand that the secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived. The aim of life is self-development. To realize perfectly - that is what each of us are here on this fucked up Earth... and I bet you were thinking I'm just another fucken dumb brute... But hell no... I'm fucken smarter than you think.. after all... I'm in psychology and criminal justice... I like to think... and I do no more... I wonder... and I do no less... In hope I pray that my mind does not falter... if it does... then I guess a mental hospital is a few blocks away... but then again, I can only hope... knowledge seems so precious... once you gained it... you musn't let it go... if you do... your a dumbfuck.*************************************************** ****************************I have spent my entire life looking for the way out of pain. However, no matter what form it took – fear, depression, bitterness, anxiety, jealousy, loneliness, addiction, anger, judgment, self-criticism, you name it – and no matter how much it hurt, for most of my life I didn’t think of it as pain. Rather I qualified these feelings as symptoms of my imperfection. In other words, I thought the pain was me.********************************************************* **********************As an adolescent growing up on the Island of Guam, I was in a lot of pain. But by the time I was sixteen, I was sick of enough of being listless and depressed to do something about it. I decided that I wanted to be happy. And I was certain that the way to do this was to correct my imperfections.********************************************** *********************************The most serious of these imperfections was my homosexuality – it was my fatal flaw, my original sin that I had not chosen to commit. Though by my mid teens I had accepted that this condition was never going to change, I could not really accept that I was gay. To me that would have meant accepting that I was lonely, pitiful and defective human being, that I was never going to be happy, so that was out of the question.*************************************************** ****************************My sexual attraction to men, however, was by no means the only Imperfection I needed to hide. Compared to the fabulous ‘Pretty in Pink’ teens I grew up with, I was absolutely riddled with imperfections – I wasn’t that great; I wasn’t rich; I wasn’t masculine; I wasn’t confident; I wasn’t athletic. As I became aware of these inadequacies, too, I slowly became both ashamed and embarrassed of myself, embarrassed to be no one else, but me.********************************************************* **********************To remedy this I became devoted to getting gorgeous and becoming popular – other words, to getting “perfect.” And college became the set where I was able to successfully act the role of a privileged gay boy. Playing this role felt like the very first shot of morphine after a lifetime of debilitating pain, and I often felt high. But whenever the morphine wore off, I would find myself hurtling back into the void, and it was as if I had never left.******************************************************* ************************Meanwhile, my sexuality was literally in the closet – that’s where I kept my private belongings. I even did such a number on myself that, whenever I saw a guy I thought was gay, I would find myself thinking, “Ugh, how horrible that would be.” Then I realized that I was this person I pitied. I was in a state of shock over my own being.****************************************************** *************************A few years back, during my time in High School, I made a monumental shift in how I experienced my life when I rebelled against the depression that still tormented me and looked inside myself for the first time for its source in the form of my own thoughts. Not only did learning how to fight my thoughts mark the beginning of the end of depression for me, it awoke a nascent awareness of my power to change the reality of my life by looking inward rather than outward. As a result, the way I lived my life began to change.***************************************************** **************************First I ditched my plans to continue living on my island, perhaps pumping gas and flipping hamburgers and decided instead to move out of my mother’s house for reasons I wish to remain confidential which is then I met a few fantastic friends who have helped me get through the emotional time while applying for college. Even more significant, for the first time in my life I began to question my belief that I couldn’t come out of the closet and be happy. There were a few images of gay people in the media then, which allows for many typical yet wrongful stereotyping among the public in general, so it was still very lonely to be gay. And I couldn’t even say the word “gay” out loud, so I was at a total loss as to how to go about coming out.******************************************************** ***********************Growing up, I have gathered many quotes from many famous celebrities, poets, and from famous people who left their mark in the hearts of history. Although, while I was cleaning the house with my mind full of questions; I noticed a book that belongs to my mother that includes the many sonnets, plays and poems by William Shakespeare. I opened the book, and noticed a very catchy, yet insightful line that grabbed my attention; “This above all, to thine own self be true.” Finally, as of this moment, I understood what Shakespeare meant.****************************************************** *************************I discovered that I was the creator of my life, not a victim of it, and I created in two ways – consciously in a state of awareness, and unconsciously without awareness. This helped me to discover the true nature if my emotional pain, which I unconsciously created my own thoughts. Being unaware of this, I believed that pain came from outside of me or was an intrinsic part of me. Consciously I could see what I had been doing with the power this knowledge gave me; I could stop using my mind against myself, ending the need for anesthesia to cover the pain up or internal battles to fight it off. And as I began to heal, I discovered that an infinite abundance of happiness existed inside me; all I had to do is learn how to want it, and how to receive it.********************************************************* **********************Though I was putting all this newfound insight into practice, for a long time I still felt empty and removed, and in a great deal of conflict. It was as if I had one foot in my old life but the other foot was still hanging in the air. Coming out of the closet is usually thought of as the singular answer to the gay “predicament”. As transformative as it is, coming out is not enough, for there is now a gay world ready to take over your mind and fill your head with yet another “reality” about who you are.p align=center

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