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When I was younger I had lots of anger and depression issues. At what, you ask. I'm not really sure anymore. Maybe because my parents separated when I was young. Maybe I couldn't relate well socially. Whatever the case I was full of anger and bitterness, I felt useless and unfulfilled. I started to feel like a somebody after meeting my friend Bill. He had a plan, someone who was going somewhere. I looked up to him and thought this guy has it together. I'll hang with him. Many year's later he died right after high school graduation, and so did my identity. The pain was too much for this 18 year old. After that I lost myself in the emotion numbing effects of drugs. After a year and a half of drug use I couldn't go more that 12 hours without some.
I started to hang out with the wrong types of people. One day I was partying with this guy at his house. Turns out he was in a cult. Telling me that there was this mighty knowledge and power. It's what people in power use and others such as the Hollywood actors and actresses. I could have it to. Oh and by the way the leader of all this the one who trickles this power and prestige to all who are his is the king of sorrows. Ehem... What? What about joy, what about happiness, eh what about God!? I don't want to talk about him anymore, he said. Yea it was really creepy, right about then... At that point he said some odd sounding words and burned some paper scroll. I felt very odd and empty on the inside. I started to experience odd feelings on the inside and hearing dogs barking that scared me to death . All I could utter was "oh God". On the inside I was screaming; "God, help me please". Because with the little Christian teaching I had growing up I knew heaven was a good place and hell wasn't.
So now I'm pretty sober. Even though a minute ago I was buzzing. He was pretty upset that I called on God but God protected me all evening. At one point he even swung a pool stick at my head when it stopped suddenly he gritted his teeth and jumped up and down 2 times. He even told me that some thought they could get away but had to learn the hard way. I would have just left but his house was in the middle of nowhere and didn't have a car. He finally went to sleep after a few hours of harassing me. I stayed awake the rest of the night too afraid to sleep fearing he would try something. Finally I had the idea to call my mother. I didn't know what to say I just said; "I love you, I wanted to call and tell you that". She said; "I know something is wrong and I'm coming to get you". I gave her directions and waited a bit before she came to get me. His parents were up by then and I went upstairs and visited with them. They tried really hard to get their son to take me home but just kept telling them that my mother was already on her way. They were smoking and I asked if I could borrow a cigarette.
After chain smoking 2 cigarettes my mother arrived. I went upstairs to get my things before leaving and told that guy my mother is here and I'm leaving. He was like what? I said my goodbye and left.
I told my mother everything. I told her about the drugs about what happened that night. I said I'm damned to hell and can't do anything about it. I might as well move out of the state.
She told me there was another way. That God could fix it. I knew a powerless religion could do nothing for me. But she said she knew where we could go where God still does miracles and wonderful things. I was on board with that. So we when to a church we found in the yellow pages. I told the pastor about what had happened. He said there was a girl attending that had a similar experience.
He opened the bible and read to me the following passages.
Romans 3:23: "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."
Romans 6:23a: "...The wages of sin is death..." Or eternal separation from God.
Romans 6:23b: "...But the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Romans 5:8: "God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us!"
Romans 10:13: "Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved!"
Romans 10:9,10: "...If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, you shall be saved; for with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation."
Jesus said, (Revelation 3:20a):
"Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him..."
By the time the pastor had made it to this part I was dead set to do all the things in those versus. I knew that I wasn't a good person or that I hadn't lived a "sinless life". I hadn't realized my sinfulness would leave to eternal separation from God. I had no idea that Jesus actually died for our sins to pay the price of sinfulness! And God the father sacrificed Him for that purpose! I realized that I had called on God that night before but needed to confess all these things out loud.
My heart was racing faster than I had ever felt it, I was even sweating. I felt if I said a prayer with this person something weird would happen. But I did it anyway. The pastor asked that I repeat after him, so I did.
I don't remember the whole prayer but it went something like this:
"Lord I realized that I am a sinner and can't earn my way to heaven. Please God save me from my sin and give me the gift of eternal life. God I ask that you be the lord of my life and teach me how to be a better person. I thank you God for saving me and setting me free from sin."
From that moment the weight of the world came off my shoulders. I felt peace, not dread which I'd had from the night before. After everything was finished I went outside and saw the bluest sky, whitest clouds, and the birds sang the most beautiful songs I'd ever heard. It was like everything (my senses) was muted until God saved me!
March 20th, 1993 9:00 am was the day my life began.