Apoptos1s

kooky.chemically imbalanced.curious.quick witted.body mod junkie.skydiver.organ donor.bdsm.stfu.
I over analyze everything. I am a perfectionist. I have dilusions of grandeur. I am not a lover of pessimisim, but I am a pessimistic lover. I fall in love far too easily far too often. I have never truly been loved back- not like that. Not the mad, passionate kind. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don't exactly want to die, but sometimes I don't really want to be alive. I admire my grandparents. I only drive when absolutely necessary. I have very little self control. I have no regrets. I do not make excuses. I do not lie. I do what I know is right. I follow my heart. I have seen beauty. I have known tragedy. I have felt pain. I have dreamt of joy. I have saved lives, and I have been three times really, really saved. I eat a lot of icecream. I don't eat much else. I am a vegetarian. I believe in a higher power. I believe in myself. I don't know if anyone else believes in me. I hate wet socks, but I like my overly dramatic reaction to them. I remember almost everything. I ask a lot of questions. I rarely sleep. I spend a lot of time trying. I like thunderstorms. I am a hopeless romantic. I am often convinced that I'm just plain hopeless. I smile a lot. I hide from strange noises at night. I am not afraid to admit that I am afraid of everything. I am not actually afraid of anything. I know that doesn't seem to make much sense. I can't really explain it. I wish for world peace. I wish all suffering would end. I wish all my friends could know how much I love them and need them. I wish I didn't feel so alone all the time. I like to write, to dance, to sing. I have no rhythm and I can not carry a tune. I love music. I brush my teeth too much. I probably don't floss enough. I have really bendable thumbs and ribs that stick out. I have a thing for llamas and goats and dogs..... and anything else with a tail. I guess I just really like animals. I guess some people are ok. I wonder if I'm ok. I like getting mail. I like sending mail. I think that I might be made of silver and fire. I don't care if you think that this makes me crazy. I am well aware that I probably am. I am. I am so tired, so beautiful, so broken, so brave, so lost, so weak, so smart, so lame, so eager, so fun, so random, confused, willing and ready, cherished, abused, so manic, depressed, so amazing, so wrecked. I am so something, so perfect. I am so so very sure.
Additional Updates
I like to climb trees and sit on my roof. I research random facts and use duck tape to fix everything. Concerts and plays make me extra happy. I can't stand chipped nail polish. And I think capri pants are evil. So is our government. I read my horoscope, but only pretend it's accurate when it's convenient. I am against capital punishment. And I am both pro-life and pro-choice. I collect stickers, rocks and bouncy balls. I consider my scars souvenirs of a life well lived. When I tell time I just tell what number the minute hand is closest to. If it was 11:45 I'd assume that the hour was a given and just say that it's on the 9. If you ask me to translate this into normal people time, I get flustered for a moment and have to think about it. You can ask me to translate other things though and I might be able to help you. I love languages and I've studied German, Spanish, and French. I think black and white pictures are better than color ones. I eat salted lemons because I like the way they make my face crinkle. I would rather be hot than cold. I would rather not be super thin. Hip bones can be hot as hell. But I like to lay on my stomach and even though they're sexy, hipbones digging into the ground is not cool. I adopt crazy catch phrases like mad. I hate math. But I am fascinated by anyone who understands it. I actually do bite sometimes, but only in a playful sort of way. I'm more masochist than sadist and more submissive than dominant. This doesn't mean I can't make you hurt like hell. And it definitely doesn't mean that I don't like control. I wiggle a lot. I cry a lot. I think a lot. I smile and laugh and play a lot. I pounce and tackle a lot. Acutally, I do everything I do a whole lot. And I do it damn well if you ask me. Which is good because if practice makes perfect- well you get the drift. And yeah, ok, sometimes I ramble a lot. Whatever.
More things to know
Cotton balls and chalk dust make me shiver. I'll go out of my way to avoid stepping on little bugs. There are two reasons for this. One: I love animals- and feel it would be wrong to discriminate just because they aren't cute or fluffy. And two: Mostly the crunchy sound of an exoskeleton makes me want to throw up. Also cough medicine makes me want to throw up. I'd rather just be sick. But I do like vicks vapor rub. And I like the smell of gasoline (but definitely not the fucking price of it). I also enjoy the echo that drains make and the sucking sound of pulling your foot out of a mound of sticky mudd. Also I like when boys sleep over because morning wood and disheveled hair make me happy. And and and it's important to note- only people I'm way in love with are allowed to touch my hair. Not because I'm anal or high maintenance- half the time I don't even brush my hair. It is just something I find strangely intimate. It is my weak spot. And if you know you shouldn't be touching me like that and you do- I'll kick you extra hard in your weak spot. Other than that though, I'm kinda touchy feely. I love the taste of blood. I'm totally turned on by vampires. Dracula is better than porn. When I'm excited I make little eeee noises. And I do a twirly little arm spread airplane dance. There are four things I always, always have with me: A pink bouncy ball, chapstick, wallet, and cell phone. Mostly I never have keys- at least not keys to my house. I use the numberpad or I crawl through windows. I make up words all the time. I firmly believe that my right knee looks like an elephant. I pick at scabs. I can hold my breath longer than 90% of my friends. When I'm angry or upset that's what I do- I hold my breath. Sometimes until I get dizzy. I like being dizzy. Sometimes. Not drunk dizzy though. Headspins are the worst. They make me feel like crunchy exoskeletons..... I'm gonna throw up. Nothing else really makes me feel like I'm gonna yak though- except maybe other people doing it. But other people doing anything often makes me want to do those things too. I think it's called peer pressure. Or influence. Or manipulation. I laugh when others laugh. I cry when they cry. I get tattooed when they get tattooed. I jump off bridges when they.... yeah, we jump off bridges. We're crazy like that. I jump off lots of things. I like the tingly feeling that shoots up my legs on impact. Only now I'm kinda scared to do that sort of stuff because I had my knee reconstructed a couple times. If I mess it up again- I might not be able to walk right. Let alone jump or play or pounce. So careful must I be. I have a cross that I never, ever take off. And quite often I wear an engagement ring around my neck. I think carpet is way better than hardwood floors. My bowling alias is always Dagny. I have more nicknames than any other person in the world. I'm pretty convinced. I love jalepeno peppers with bananas. I drink at least a gallon of green tea a day. I wish more people would buy me cactii. Flowers are nice. But a cactus- that says I love you. I want someone to read me poetry. The best compliment I've ever received was from someone commenting on my poetry. It was probably the most desperate thing I'd ever written. It was from the worst night of my life. It was cynical. It was tragic. It was called Forever Has Ended. And there is nothing worse than when forever ends. It's happened a couple of times to me personally. I hope it never ever happens to you. Unless you like desperate. Then I highly recommend it. Sometimes I never feel more alive then when I'm close to dying. Sometimes my favorite days are the ones I wish would never come. Mostly though, my favorite days are the ones I spend with my best friends, the ones I get to spend time at the shelter with my puppies and kitties, or the ones when I get to just sit around and talk to grandma and grandpa. They are the smartest people I know. I think everyone should spend 4 years with their grandparents or 4 years volunteering at a nursing home instead of 4 years away at some college. All the most important and useful information I have comes from previous generations- mostly family- and their experiences. But I guess I might just have been lucky. I was born a Gedraitis. And this, after all, means a very important thing: I was born a cut above. I was born better. I was born with an advantage. And I am to know this and live this and take pride in this. I like to argue and debate- but there is no fighting this. And I wouldn't even want to.
**** Yes, more. Always more.****
I hate when my foot itches. There's no way to make it go away. Hands are like that too. Drives me insane. They'll itch forever and no matter how much you scratch- it won't go away. So I'll drag it on the floor. I'll bite. I'll shake and jump and have a mini spaz attack. I'll run it under hot hot hot water until it burns instead of itches. I'll do just about anything short of cutting off that particular limb. It's that bad. It might even be worse than the stupidity of the general public. I'm pretty sure they are the bane of my existence. Though morons are always so happy and oblivious, I often wish I was just slightly dumber myself. I like crazy punctuation marks- but semi colons make me uncomfortable. I use them anyway. I like artistic use of language. But I can't stand poor grammar otherwise. I always look when someone says not to. I touch when I'm told no. I like to sit indian style. I like to sit in my bathroom sink. I like to sit on my kitchen counter. I hate sitting at the kitchen table. I put my makeup on on the floor. I only wear it if it smells good. I think nothing in the world smells better than a lover's collarbone. It's my favorite thing ever. I'm kinda clumsy. I trip over nothingness on a regular basis. But it amuses me more than it embarrasses me. I'm a huge fan of shapries. And safety pins. I like when my friends drive fast. It's an I just turned 16 and I'm so cool look at me speeding being all badass feeling. Yeah, I'm supposed to be a grown up by now. I still get kinda giddy when it's blatant disregard for the speed limit. Just be sure to wear you seatbelts kids. And don't do this during the day when small children could run in front of your vehicle. Be careful for little animals too. Abuse of any kind is unacceptable. But child abuse and animal abuse- especially. I know I was against capital punishment-but have I mentioned I'm all for putting these types of people in prision for life- forcing them to work 12 hour days, no television, no gym, no time outside, no air conditioning, no conjugal visits, no cigarettes. They should suffer every day until death is so appealing most of them just kill themselves or each other. This is fine by me. I'm a vicious girl.... or I can be. I'm mostly nice. But I have no reservations about defending myself or kicking ass when necessary. If anyone hits me without my asking them to- it's on. Unless, of course, it's part of foreplay. Unless it's kinda kinky and kinda rough. Unless you have handcuffs. I'll bring the restraints. Oh, I'm just teasing. Kinda. Maybe. Anyway- that's not the point. I love tattoos. I love piercings. I want to be suspended again. And I hope in the future to turn my passion for skydiving into something more than just a hobby. Maybe I’ll get a license to instruct. Maybe. I am a registered bone marrow donor. I am the youngest recorded non direct living kidney donor. I like the funny lines on your body after you wake up, when you've been in one position too long- especially when they're on your face. And courtesy of my cousin- I now know how to pick a lock in under 30 seconds. And how to install a new one in just a few minutes. I am right handed, but slightly ambidexterous. I can legibly write with my left. I never sign my real name on the automatic credit card things. I'm really bad at returning phone calls. I'm a big fan of texture. You can't bring me into stores anywhere. I have to molest everything. Furry, smooth, soft, bumpy, warm- whatever. I just gotta touch it. I like to skip. I'm sensitive to smells. I can rotate my ears somewhat. I can't have anything that lights up in my room at night- except my glowy bouncy ball. I'll never be able to sleep otherwise. I just try to synchronize all the patterns of the flashing lights from the computer, the tv, the clocks, the stereo- oh friends, you have no idea. I am a pyromanic. I like to spill candle wax all over. I like to put it under running cold water because it splashes up and hardens in the most fantastic designs. I come preprogrammed with my own special sound effects. I talk to inanimate objects. I accept candy from strangers. I have parties for all of the most random reasons. I make up my own holidays. I'm cool like that.
So much more it's gluttonous.
Because mostly I just wanted to add that I have what I call pywd- or the premature your welcome disease. This reaction is one I have attributed to a lack of etiquette in others. It happens when a thank you is in order, and I expecting this as a natural reaction, follow up with a your welcome even when no thanks are given. It happens, I guess, to test my patience. And while it used to embarrass me, these days I just get it out there and enjoy the awkward silence that follows when in the ingrate in question squirms and stubbles over their own obvious rudeness. Serves them right I think. A thank you isn't that taxing. And while we're on the topic of things that are as they shouldn't be, let's discuss some other stuff that sort of annoys me. In no particular order we've got: people that drive without using their blinker and perhaps worse, people that do drive with their blinker- for 20 miles at a time, mosquito bites, long lines, being sick, stubbing my toe (not on the soft couch, no) only on the most solid of surfaces, and captcha. Also I absolutely hate, hate, hate when people are late. Punctuality is probably my biggest thing. I know it's an almost irrational reaction how frustrated I get- but I just can't help it. I'll forgive up to 15 minutes. Anything longer than that warrants a phone call to say: yeah, sorry, I got tied up- I will be there at such and such a time. I just wanted you to know. Otherwise chances are I'll be so upset by the time you get here- I won't want to see you at all. I can't stand dropped phone calls and dropped friends. Pop up windows and junk mail saturated accounts. Overly bright lights, having to work through a thunderstorm when I'd rather be puddle jumping, wanting to eat 10 cookies when there's only 3 left, bathroom doors that swing inward, paper cuts, people who ask, "Are you OK?" when you obviously aren't, people who say, "I know how you feel." when they obviously don't. I hate my birthday and people who make a fuss over it, but more so I hate when it's my birthday and everyone completely forgets. I can't stand people who always pretend to know way more than they do, and then get pissed off when you call them on it, people who don't know when to be quiet, people who don't know the difference between playing games with someone's head and playing games with someone's heart- and especially the people who do the latter. I hate anything that both flies and buzzes around my ears, the uber disgusting skin that forms on the top of homemade pudding, dirty fingernails and anyone who actually lets long, scary hairs grow out of big, scary moles- even more so when it's in a location on their body that I might be a witness to. And speaking of unruly and unattractive hair- to the unibrow I say this: Just no. Oh and while I'm thinking about it- this is totally off topic- it's actually something I like very much: old people. Specifically old people who take eons to count out their change penny by penny to make a purchase. It's cute the way they mistake nickels for quarters. It's the only time I don't mind waiting extra long. So take your time ancients, you've earned it. Other than that though, when I want something, I tend to want it ten minutes ago- so just give it to me quickly, as fast as you can, and everything will be ok. Alright. And so that's all for now, except where I tell you that the rumors are true. 90% of them anyway. And yes I've done some of those things you wish I hadn’t. Because I can. And if you don't like it- too damn bad. But other than that I'm done for now, just remember that I add to this regularly and I think that if you read all this you might as well make your way over to my blogs. There's fun, random stuff to be found there. Me being honest. Me being sad. Me having a nervous breakdown. Heh, you know. All the moments of me. Shared with you. Sharing is good. As long as it's not a disease. Those should be kept to oneself. Mmkay. Look around. Have fun. Ask questions. Leave comments. Be bad. And rock on.
The one and only,
Amandala
I swear- by my life and my love of it- that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for the sake of mine.