ULTRAViOLENT ★ RAEs of D4TS

Hello. My Name is Rae. Born in Okinawa, Japan. Navy brat and Eldest of Four. I've lived in San Diego most of my life but have been kissed by the sun and waves of Okinawa, Honolulu, Cavite, Dededo, and Tacoma. I like to live Positively . FAiLURE is my FEAR but not an option. I'm Proud of my Heritage, Culture, Experiences, and Past. Anyone who says otherwise can keep my name out of their fucking mouths. If you don't like it, tough. I'm not here to impress or please you. And for those who want to judge a woman by appearance... Take a look in the mirror. I have come across some individuals, even "relatives" who question my choice of Tattoos, Piercings and Hair color, without even considering my contributions to Society, real FAMiLY, and Myself. You can SHUT THE FUCK UP now. I GOT MiNES. I'm a WiFE, LOVER , DAUGHTER, SiSTER, BEST FRiEND, ARTiST, WRiTER, SPEAK_EASY, POET and one day MOTHER. WTF have you done latey? Certification is not PROOF of TALENT, nor is TALENT an excuse for Certification.

I'm HAPPiLY MARRiED to my Best Friend, Lover, Bboy, SOLDiER, Ben. He's a FORMER US ARMY SGT and is now in the US ARMY RESERVES and going for DRiLL SGT. He DEPLOYED twice to iRAQ to serve in OPERATiON iRAQi FREEDOM and OPERATiON ENDURE FREEDOM. I LOVE HiM. He didn't go for BUSH. He went for YOU. So RESPECT.

my space

This is a picture taken 2004 of Rosanne, Roselle, My Lolo Indy, myself, and Rodney.
my heros are named

not numbered

I had to do a project on the Battle of Corrigedor and the Bataan Death March in my FIlipino Studies class at Miramar a couple years back. My Lolo was watching me cut and paste, his old eyes blue and grey with age watched me hard at work, cutting, pasting, labeling. He says to me inbroken english "I was there". At Corrigedor. I say to him in broken Tagalog, "Tell me Lolo"

He tried but stopped before the fully formed tears in his eyes had a chance to fall. The Boxing match on t.v. began, and he fell silent as the the announcer announced the fighters.

Lolo Igmidio is the only remaining GrandParent I have. Lola Palagia, his beloved wife passed away a good 6-8 years ago. My Nanay Salia, my Moms Mom, passed away a few years back as well. My Moms Dad passed away before I could ever meet him. All I have left in Tatay Indy... All I have left is him, and he's going to leave me soon. I regret not knowing MYSELF! I hat myself for being ashamed of who I AM. I didn't know any better back then. I think that is why I try so hard to be SOMEONE, be SOMEBODY, to be FILIPINO! I try so hard to be active and proactive with the FilipinoCULTURE, LANGUAGE, HERITAGE, SOCIETY, FAMILY, EXPERIENCE ... I join the clubs, take the language classes, and Filipino studay classes. I excert myself in every History class I can: Western Civ, Asian Civ, ETC. just to hear the words FILIPINO, FIGHTERS, and WAR in one minisual paragraph.I try so fucking hard because I feel as if... this is the only way I can say SORRY to him... For not being his GRAND-DAUGHTER all those years. For not speaking his LANGUAGE. For not knowing my ROOTS. Not knowing his ROOTS.

So now I am lost. With no one to see my struggle. I didn't care to listen to his when he was capable to tell me. I was too busy scowling him in my foreign english toungue about making me finish my cereal. I was too busy sulking at tumatampo ako ang aking paa while he held my hand to cross the street.

REGRET is nothing any of us should live with. My regret weighs my heart so heavily that no amount of physical or mental pain I have done to myself will make it feel any easier to bear. Before he died he had been in and out of the hospital. I remember the other times it has happened. He was there in bed smiling at us. Tubes were in and out of him. Machines were helping him live. In his hand he held a comb and calmly combed his hair smiling. He joked about a pretty nurse when he was asked what he was getting ready for. Everyday we visited him, he thought he was going home with us. We all cried when we saw him. We all cried and felt weak. I don't want to be weak anymore. I will see him and he will be held together with machines and tubes surrounded by stale air and the chirps of monitors and computers. I want to see my Lolo but I don't want to cry any tears for him. I want to be brave like he was at Corrigedor. Gusto kong maging matapang para mga KAWAL PILIPINO.