1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss' car. (d) When she is using her teeth.3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! (b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! (c) Another set and we can hit the showers!22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.28. Never take a mans wife out for drinks when he is more than 50 miles away from home.29. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below."GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?""BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."ENJOY!
JESSICA ALBA! I WAS IN THE SAME ROOM WITH HER ONCE AND I DIDNT HAVE THE BALLS TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF. BUT TRUST ME I'VE LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES AND IT WON'T EVER HAPPEN AGAIN. IF IM EVER IN THAT SAME SITUATION AGAIN I'LL HAVE A GAME PLAN READY. I START OFF BY PUTTING OUT SEXUALLY FERAMONES. LET THE VIBE GET OUT THERE AND BE KNOWN. I MAY HAVE TO ENTERTAIN OR EVEN FIGHT OFF OTHER WOMEN IN THE ROOM BUT I WILL KEEP THE PRIZE IN SIGHT. ONCE I FEEL THE MOOD IS RIGHT I'LL BEGIN MY APPROCH. LIKE A SEX CRAZED CHEATA I’LL MOVE IN FOR THE KILL. OUR EYES WILL MEET AND THEN BECOME LOCKED. SHE WILL BE HELPLESS AGAINST MY POWERS OF SEXUALLY TENTION. HER MOUTH WILL BEGIN TO MOVE AS IF SHE WANTS TO SPEAK BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. THEN, AND ONLY THEN, I WILL GRAB HER IN MY ARMS, FIRM BUT YET PASSIONITLY I WILL TOSS HER OVER MY SHOULDER AND BEGIN TO RUN LIKE HELL. PASS THE SECURITY OFFICERS IN THE ROOM AND TOWARDS THE ELEVATOR. ONCE WE’RE AROUND THE CORNER I’LL MAKE A DARING MOVE FOR THE STAIRS. FLIGHT AFTER FLIGHT WE’LL GO. SHE WEEPS TEARS OF JOY AS WE TAKE TWO STAIRS AT A TIME. FINALY IN THE PARKING GARGE AND INTO MY VAN WE GO. WE’LL SPEND THE NEXT TEN YEARS MAKING BABIES IN SECULSION IN THE WILDERNESS ON THE RUN FROM THE AUTHORITIES. SOME DAY WE’LL SIT BACK AND TELL THE STORY ABOUT OUR FIRST DATE TO ALL OF OUR GRAND CHILDREN. THE END!
JOHN LEGEND, CHILI PEPERS, AND THE ONE AND ONLY BILLY JOEL.
ME MYSELF AND IRENE