Chris Allen

I am suffering with personal grief over the loss of my parents within one year of each other. I was very close to them and took care of my invalid father until he died in his bed in my home. I found him on Saturday May 20, 2006. Next to his bed on the little table was his little list of things were going to go out and get after we had our customary breakfast at a local diner. I walked into his room that morning and said come on dad its ime to get up. Knowing full well he wasnt. As this was the first time he did not stir when i went in there.I pushed on him and said lets go...and then i saw his lips were tinted blue. I continued to take out his clothes for the day while I melted to the floor.I called 911 and calmly told the man dad wouldnt wake up - he asked me if he had a pulse and told me where to check. It was like an out of body experience...i felt where they told me too - but I couldnt tell if it was beating or not. I screamed that he felt warm - I later was told cause he had his covers up. I went thru all the motions and have been doing the same till early last december when at work after 34 years one last insult broke my back - almost literaly. I went home for my year end vacation and began to crumble in mind, spirit and body. On most days I cant even stand up straight let alone walk.My best friends assume I should be well over the grief...after all - Dad will be gone one whole year on May 19 and Mom will be gone 2 whole years on May 26. Well - they have no clue how i cry...everyday i cry and cry. I have severe ankolosis of the cervical spine and my vertebrea are turning to cement...some days I can stand others i cannot. My first try at disability was turned down by letter last Friday. I then called my lawyer - I worked at the same company for 34 years since High School. I have been very fortunate to never have to get unemployment - ever. I played by the rules...however with the horrific pain i must endure each day, came less patience than i used to pocess. i tried my best to keep up the good front - but in the end...i could not - the stress that place has given me, the hostile enviornment I am suppose to work under only made things so much worse. I went on my vacation in early December and never went back. I am on sickleave now. I cannot make it through the night in bed - i must sit in a chair. the pillls that barely work make me drosy, my head no longer turns when i need to look both ways while driving, i cant sit too long, i cant stand too long, i cant lay down to long, i cant walk too long. I have lashed out and now lost 2 of my dear friends - people dont know what to say to me...so they avoid me. They dont know how to make me feel better...and i cant tell them. The pain pills do not seem to be helping at all anymore - I went through everything they could think of - spinal epidurals, one after another - huge needles while i was wide awake...other needles with scopes on them - while i was wide awake...and still other needles that electrocuted some nerves to try and give me some relief, at this point there is nothing that anyone can do. And my biggest problem is - I dont have Mom and Dad to say...it will be ok. Cause for some dumb reason that was the only thing that kinda worked. I am so thankful that although Mom and Dad had terrible health issues whilst alive - when it was there... time -it was over quick. That is something I thank God for.Beyond that, please dont tell me they are in a better place, please dont tell me they are whole again and happy together - cause no one can prove that to me.I am sincerely sorry to anyone I have upset. I have a variety of reasons why i wrote what I wrote...however to me it matters not. I am sorry...I mean it...but there is no more I can do about it.To all my friends - I thank you for your notes of comfort...they truly help.Blessings, Chris [email protected]