Hello everyone, friends, relatives, hookers with Macy's gift card offers, I have great news. Do you hate the options you have been given in the 2008 United States Presidential Election? Do you think Barack Obama is an asshole? Do you think John McCain is too old and pees his pants?
Well, me too. Fuck both of those guys. What this country needs is a straight shooter, a take-no-shit youngster with his eye on the prize. Ladies and gentlemen, I am that man.
The American people have clearly shown that having experience in politics and world leadership is not an important factor in choosing a candidate, so I feel that the time is right for me to step forth and offer myself as the savior of mankind.
My friends, we face hard times ahead. We are in the midst of what is likely to be a long and arduous recession, we are at war overseas, Patrick Dempsey is being called "the hottest man on television", and somebody just allowed Martin Lawrence to make another film. Yes, these are dark times. Allow me to be the tiki torch that lights the American future.
You might think I'm joking, but I am absolutely serious about this. To me, this country is no joke. Here are my thoughts on the issues that count:
War in Iraq:
I will wash my hands of all responsibility for the war in Iraq, and I will let you vote on it, because dude, seriously, I don't want to be responsible for whatever happens. This is a lesson I learned from our current administration; if you make a decision, and it sucks, you will be made fun of by rappers and John Stewarts, and effeminate pop stars will write songs about hating you.
The Recession:
I have an economic stimulus package. It's called stop f--king exporting labor abroad, and put an end to free trade. It's no wonder we can't keep up, America's trade laws are the financial equivalent of showing up to prison nude rubbing butter on your ass and blowing kisses to everyone. It's no surprise our economy is getting so brutally gang raped. Also, banks and lending company’s, please stop giving people with no money or source of income multi-million dollar loans, you goddamn idiots. It doesn't take a business degree to figure out that's going run a company or a bank into the ground. As president, I will take all of the jobs away from Indian call centers and give them back to our own citizens that can barely speak English. I will make it illegal to give people loans unless their IQ is above 120, which will keep the idiots poor and serving us hamburgers where they should be instead of trying to start their own retarded businesses that will never work and that taxpayers will have to eventually pay for when they go bankrupt.
Gas Prices
Cars will be ILLEGAL when I am made president. A government sponsored breeding program beginning in early 2009 will supply every American with 1 free horse by 2015. We will rip up the concrete highways that make our cities so ugly and replace them with rolling pastures in which our horses can eat and defecate. Through their feces more grass will grow, etc. It's a concept I call "cyclical transportation maintenance", because they horses will take care of their own grass roads by shitting all over them. This way, American tax dollars will no longer have to pay those surly assholes that work for the city to block off three lanes of the freeway, tear up the road, and then sit around and smoke until they are off the clock.
Immigration:
Legal immigration is good, illegal immigration is bad. Nobody is getting kicked out, but it’s time to pay taxes guys, I don’t want to put your kids through school. Which brings me to
Kids:
Under my administration, children will be seen and not heard. They will be asked to dress like smaller versions of adults, so that they resemble proportionate dwarves for our entertainment. It will be every citizen’s right to silence an obnoxious child, regardless of whether or not they are the parent of that child. It will be mandatory that grandpa’s kiss babies.
Abortion:
After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with murdering a baby here and there if it prevents them from growing up to be stupid and fat while waddling slowly in front of me at the mall while I’m in a hurry. Studies point to the fact that the offspring of poor, ignorant, sluts tend to grow up and kill themselves and or others. Look at most serial killers, or Anna Nicole Smith’s son. It’s a fact: when mommy’s a slut, your wrists get cut. So why not just surprise nature by doing it’s job for it in the second or even third trimester? Let’s face it, we’ve all known people that probably should have been aborted. The world would have been a better place if they didn’t exist. Please, join me America, let’s kill some wee ones together.
Faith and Religion:
Look, let’s get this straight- you’re kidding yourself if you deny that Jesus is and will always be your savior, ok? Buddha was just a fat guy that rolled around in a robe all day being cute, not unlike myself, and Allah is just a liar. Hindu’s clearly worship 8-armed elephant Jesus, which I am praying is what he actually looks like. This brings me to my next idea for America.
Elephant Shipping
Big rigs are stinky, hard to get around, and make infamously hazardous sharp turns. I propose to replace them with elephants that have large woven baskets harnessed to their tusks which they drag across the nation to power our shipping industry. Not only is this eco friendly, it’s also cute.
Crime and Punishment:
I have a pretty good track record of being anti-crime, pro punishment. I believe that the death penalty is the best way of killing criminals. I believe that more criminals should be killed. As president, I would make it illegal to be in a gang, and you will be killed for pretending to do so. Not only will my rampant killing make a mockery of justice, it will also make a mockery of killing, because I plan to drastically overhaul the execution methods currently in use to allow for the inclusion of water ballooning and mouth kissing.
Tupac:
As president, I will personally devote Wednesday evenings to looking for Tupac, and as a nation, working together, we can find him and convince him to end his death hoax and come back to the rap game.
Wild Dogs Roaming the Streets:
They rule. More of them will be a hot issue on my agenda.
Mexican Food:
My legacy will be the “Mexican Food Presidentâ€. I plan to invest heavily the bean and rice industries, and I will instate government subsidized tortilla factories where all of the unemployed will work making hand made flour, corn, wheat, and avocado spinach tortillas. These tortilla factories will be paid for by taxes, and the tortillas produced will be FREE FOR EVERYONE! Every family will get one 20 pack a week, and it will be paid for by taxes under a “public recreationâ€.
G.E.V. (giant ewok village):
As president, I will lay groundwork for my plan to transform America from a disgusting concrete and blacktop wasteland into a thriving Ewok village, with pathways lit by tiki torches. The first step in this plan is to tear up all of the concrete, and replace it with grass and soil (this way we can all go barefoot). Then we will release livestock, and, couple with wild animals and horses and their poop, the grass will grow into a vast, lush jungle. We will rebuild our houses in the trees.
Marijuana:
Legalized and taxed for 18 and over.
Medical Care:
Universal health care.
Disabilities:
ADD is not a disability. It’s not even anything, you just lack discipline. Disabled people either can’t walk, see, speak, or hear, every other “disability†will fall under my “shut the fuck up and deal with it†bill, which will prevent people from asking for special treatment unless they fit the previously outlined criteria.
Sitting Down More
I believe that there is a serious lack of places to sit in this country. It is an inalienable right of every free man to always have a chair, couch, chez lounge, or hammock in which to relax. I believe that it is an atrocity that American citizens, the most important people in the world, are forced to STAND in line like common animals at places like the library, the DMV, and cafeterias. I am preparing with my cabinet members the “Take A Load Off†act, which will require counties to install a chair, couch, or seating device on every 20 square feet of land in the entirety of this great country.
Teenagers:
I will enact a law under which every year, the faculty of each high school will select the 4 teenagers who are the biggest douchebags and send them on buses to a large arena where we will televise their brutal murders for entertainment. This will serve as a lesson to the others not to try and be so fucking cool all the time. Their parents will be asked not to breed.
Gun Control
Control your guns, or some one else's guns will control YOU.
Obesity in America:
I think, in this great country, we are all sick of fatties. But why are we complaining unless we are fatties ourselves. There is nobody to blame but yourself, fatty (as well as Nabisco and your alcohol problem).
Those are my opinions on some of the issues facing our nation today. I will release a more detailed overview of my administration’s aims and policies later in the campaign. For now, I would like to invite everyone cordially to attend the Sean Cahill/Dan Cottrell For America 2008 rally which will be held on June 1st in an unspecified location (campaign staff is looking for a location). Until then, feel free to ask the campaign any questions you have regarding this dream ticket.
Thank You, and God Bless America
Sean Cahill